Fifty Shades Complete Part 3
by newgirl3366
Summary: This is the third story in my series. This story begins in May of 2013 with Teddy approaching his first birthday. In this story Ana and Christian will deal with happiness as well as tragedy. If you have not read Fifty Shades Complete Part 1 or Part 2 I encourage you to do so before reading this story. I do not own Fifty Shades or these characters. All rights go to EL James.
1. Chapter 1

**_Fifty Shades Complete Part 3_**

**_May 2013_**

_*I do not own these characters. All rights go to E.L. James*_

**_Prologue_**

_ A glass-shattering scream escapes from the other side of the closed bathroom door. Ana! My heart seizes at the sound and my feet cannot move fast enough to carry me to her. Reluctantly I leave our son in the middle of my vast bed where we have been playing, spending our morning as a family of four together. The bright rays streaming through the window were only moments earlier a bright sign of a welcome day. Now they only serve as a mechanism to elucidate the obscure fear, which is suddenly dousing the room. _

_"Stay here son. Daddy will be right back," I tell Ted, placing my hand on his lap to emphasize my words. He looks up at me with bright gray eyes, so unaware of the dread in mine. _

_My feet feel laden and are difficult to move, my imagination is in overdrive and deep inside I know what I will find on the other side of that door. The air in the room has become thick oppression, making it hard to breathe. I swing the door open and see Ana. She is sitting on the floor, one hand grasping her belly while she holds the other out in front of her. Her fingers splayed wide as she looks at her hand in terror. Blood. Blood on her fingers. Blood on the toilet beside her, on the tiles around her, and soaking her panties which are tangled at her ankles. All I see is blood and the woman I love sitting amongst it. _

_Her eyes shift to mine and they are filled with tears. Without hesitation, I am at her side immediately. I press her head to my chest and feel her damp cheeks soak my bare skin. Minutes before we were blissfully engaged as a family. Now I feel desolate, a deep feeling of dread has nestled itself in my gut. _

_ "I'm bleeding," she speaks, stating the obvious with a quivering voice. Her words are a simple explanation of what I already know. "I shouldn't be bleeding." She shakes her head violently. "No. No. No…I shouldn't be bleeding." Her body begins to convulse as the tears and sobs take over. Realization hits me hard, like a freight train loaded with bricks. This is the penance I should pay for my response when she told me she was carrying our first child. Not her though, not my Ana. She has done nothing wrong and does not deserve this punishment for my inadequacies. I am not worthy of experiencing the elation I felt when she told me of the second life she was carrying. Jesus fucking Christ, I know that now. Why punish my Ana God? Why?_

_My mouth is dry and I swallow hard to attempt to bring any moisture back in to it but nothing changes. I cannot speak. I need to speak. I must say something to comfort my Ana, but I have nothing. All I have are my own selfish tears. I hold her tight and she feels so broken in my arms. A crumpled mass of the woman I love. I have no words to comfort her. I have no words at all. There are no words. _


	2. Chapter 2

****A few notes...This is NOT Ana's pregnancy with Phoebe. We are approaching Teddy's first birthday in this story. If you remember Ana was 6 months pregnant with Phoebe at Teddy's second birthday in the epilogue at the end of Freed. In writing my stories I keep with the timeline set forth by EL James. I will not deviate from that. I had one reader beg me not to make Ana have a hysterectomy and be infertile or kill Phoebe. Again, this is not Phoebe. I do not know what other authors do in their FanFics because I do not read other FanFics. I can tell you that there will be nothing like that though. This is simply a M/C. No infertility will be written about. Months from now when I write Fifty Shades Complete Part 4 it will be her becoming pregnant with Phoebe. I intend for there to be a total of 5 installments in my story series and as you know I am now currently writing Part 3. **

**I hope this alleviates some confusion. Thank you all for reading, reviewing and for following. I love you all. **

**Enjoy!**

The glorious sights, smells and sounds of spring in Seattle surround me. Briefcase in hand I cannot help but look around at all of the people bustling up and down the busy city street. Cars are honking their horns, parking briefly at the sidewalk to let someone out, changing lanes and stopping for pedestrians as they cross to enter whatever building they may work in. The delis and bakeries, which dot this part of downtown, are already open and the smell of coffee and fresh pastries fills the air. I slip my arms in to my cardigan sweater, the morning breeze is still cool, and the sweater matches my cream blouse with small navy swirls dotting it. Sawyer offers me my briefcase and I take it from him with a smile and thank him for driving me to work.

A busy workdaygreets me the moment I step through the doors of Grey's Publishing. Hannah is waiting for me at Claire's desk and without stopping to say hello to anyone we sit down and get right to work. Two more full weeks until Teddy's first birthday, I muse to myself, ashamedly only half way listening to Hannah as she rambles on and on about what the week ahead holds for Grey's Publishing Inc. His party invitations are in the mail, a silly thing to do for a little boy's first birthday party when the only attendees will be family, but I wanted to do it. It will give me another small memento to slip in to his ever-growing baby book. One year, how time flies.

One year ago, I was as big as a house, beyond pregnant and ready to meet my little blip. Now he is here and is the light of Christian and I's lives. Constantly toddling around the house, he holds on to any piece of furniture he can, or onto his mommy or daddy, but he is not quite ready to let go and trust his little legs to hold him up by themselves.

Hannah finishes with her dissertation and a knock sounds at my office door just as she is rising from her seat.

"Come in," I call out and Claire enters holding a dozen white and pink roses which are artfully arranged in a crystal vase.

"Delivery for you Mrs. Grey." She smiles knowingly and comes to place them on my desk. I pluck the card from the plastic holding and read the scrawling script.

_Have a wonderful day at work my beautiful wife._

_Love, your husband…Christian. _

"Thank you Claire," I say and slip the card inside of my desk along with the other two cards from last week and the week before that. For the past two years, Christian has sent me flowers at the beginning of each week in May to commemorate the month we met each other in. I love the flowers, I love the gesture and I love him.

Before going back to my work I pick up my blackberry and tap out a simple text, thanking him for the beautiful flowers.

_Thank you for the flowers. I love them and I love you._

_Your Ana, xoxo_

I hit send and smile to myself wondering if he will call or text or me back. I am not allowed time to dwell on my inner thoughts for long. A new email arrives from the finance department and my mind is back on my job.

**Opening my brown lunch **sack, packed so loving by Gail this morning, with one hand I tap out a response to an earlier email I received from one of our editors with the other. I have been hungry ever since I finished breakfast and have not had a moment to eat. My day started busy with my briefing from Hannah and has proved to continue in the same manner. I hit send and reach in the bag to retrieve the tuna sandwich. When the smell of the sandwich reaches my nostrils my stomach responds and not in a good way. I cover my mouth with my hand and try to dash to the bathroom, but my efforts are futile. I only make it as far as the trash can just inside my office door before I lose my breakfast and I am convinced part of my stomach itself.

I do not know what came over me, but the wave of nausea passes as quickly as it appeared. Still holding my unsettled stomach, I press my hand to my forehead. I don't feel hot, no fever. I sit back down in my desk chair, reach for a napkin from my lunch bag, and use it to wipe my mouth. I hope it is not some kind of stomach bug that I could pass along to Teddy. He has been such a healthy baby and I want to keep it that way. Feeling a bit better, I grab my bottle of water and walk to the bathroom. I need to wash out my mouth, it feels disgusting.

Thankfully, the bathroom is empty. My reflection in the bathroom mirror displays my pale skin paler than usual. After splashing cold water on my face and drying it with a paper towel, I return to my desk. The thought of the tuna fish sandwich is still an unsavory one. I decide to deposit it in the trash and gather up the bag to take it down to dumpster outside. I do not want this trash bag to remain in my office a second longer.

I stomach the granola Gail has packed me and munch slowly on that for the remainder of the afternoon. Gone is my morning energy. It has been replaced by exhaustion and for the first time in a long time I want to take a nap. I feel my eyelids drifting close and straighten my back. Squaring my shoulders I roll my head from side to side, stretching my neck, I try to get back to work. The words on the screen lose their crisp definition and begin to blur again. Blinking my eyes a few times, I convince myself to stay awake and finish my work. It is only three o'clock, you have two more hours of work, I tell myself but I'm not doing a very good job at this pep talk.

Another hour passes and I close my laptop, having decided to give up and stop for the day.

"Hannah," I knock on her open office door.

"Yes, Mrs. Grey?" She lifts her head from where she has been working. Several manuscripts are piled on her desk and I know that is work headed my way tomorrow or some other day this week. The substantial piles make me feel guilty for leaving so early.

"I'm going to call it a day early. I'm not feeling very well."

"Is there anything I can get you?"

"No, I'm just going to go home. I'll see you in the morning."

"Yes, ma'am. Have a good night."

"You too." I smile weakly at her and trudge out of the building to where my Saab is parked.

Sawyer follows being me dutifully just as he has every day for the past six months, every day since the black Friday encounter with James Brook. I cannot for the life of me convince Christian that it was a one-time thing. That the man was just making small talk. I know it was odd but it was months ago and I am sure Mr. Brook has forgotten all about it. I know I have, or would like to, if Christian would let me. Today I am glad for his company though. I do not feel well enough to drive home.

Sawyer opens the rear door but I decline. "My stomach is not feeling well Sawyer, I think I'd like to sit up front."

"Should I call Mr. Grey ma'am?"

What is it with all of these people calling me ma'am today? I find myself agitated but don't really know why. Every member of our security detail calls me ma'am and even Gail sometimes. Sheesh, what is with me. Mentally I chastise myself for being cranky, I really must put myself to bed.

"No Sawyer, it's nothing I'm sure. I'll be fine, there's no need to interrupt Christian's work day."

A stern look of disapproval passes over Sawyer's face but he nods firmly and starts the car, heading in the direction of home. A small voice inside of me whispers, urging me to call Christian. _You know he would want to know that you are not feeling well _my derisive subconscious reminds me. I would agree with her but I'm too exhausted to even give her comment a second thought. Leaning my head against the cool glass of the car window, I finally allow my eyes to close.

"Yes sir, we are just arriving at the house now."

Sawyer's voice stirs me from my apparent nap. He is speaking in to his earpiece and I know he is on the phone with either Christian or Taylor. I hope it is the latter.

"Mrs. Grey is awake now sir. Would you like to speak with her?"

_Oh no, it is definitely not the latter. _I blink my eyes open and cover my mouth to stifle a yawn.

"I will let her know sir, goodbye." Sawyer glances in my direction as he turns off the car. "Mr. Grey will be calling your cell ma'am."

I nod feeling imprudent. Sawyer was right, I should have phone Christian myself to begin with. How does this man know everything? I almost laugh at myself…He's Christian, that's how. My cell begins to ring immediately and Sawyer exits the car to give me privacy while I search through my purse for the ringing phone.

"Hello Christian." I brighten my voice to hide the fact that I was sleeping. He will only worry if he knows I did not feel well.

"Anastasia, why did you not call me when you left work not feeling well?"

Well, so much for that. Apparently, Sawyer has already filled him in on my sick spell. "I didn't want to bother you. It's nothing really, my stomach was just a little upset is all. I felt tired and decided to go home early, no big deal."

I hear him sigh over the phone. I can picture him running his hands through his hair the way he always does when he is exasperated, worried, or at a loss for words. "I wish you would have called me."

"Christian, I'm fine. There is nothing you could have done; besides I feel better already. I took a nap on the way home and ate some granola before I left work."

Silence…I know he is thinking. "Are you sure? Do you need me to come home?"

"Christian that would be silly. You finish your day out and Ted and I will see you in a few hours."

"You're sure you are feeling fine?" He questions me again. I grin loving how much he cares.

"I'm sure. I love you."

"I love you."

"Goodbye Christian."

"Goodbye."

He hangs up the phone and I drop it back in my purse. Sawyer opens my door and offers me his hand to help me out of the car. He keeps a stoic look on his face but I give him a smirk, letting him know that I am fully aware of his tattle tailing capabilities.

**The cheerful sound of** Teddy babbling floats through the house to meet my ears the moment I enter the front door. Following the noise I find he and Gail in the family room. He is wearing his brown and white striped teddy bear jumper complete with furry little brown bear on the behind. Grace bought it for him last week and I think he is adorable in it.

"Hey there baby boy," I greet him. He looks up from his bowl of dry cereal and right away drops the few pieces he has in his fist along with the blue sippy cup he was holding by its handle in his other hand. Placing both hands on the coffee table, he quickly scurries to the end closest to me. I laugh at his enthusiasm. So willing to stand on his own but he will not walk without holding onto something.

"Mrs. Grey, you're home early." Gail observes from her place on the floor. She had been sitting beside Teddy but he has since moved away and is now crawling across the floor to hoping I will scoop him up in to my arms.

"I wasn't feeling very well so I left work." I bend down and lift my little boy from where he is now pulling on my pants legs. "I'm feeling much better now though. I thought I was coming down with something but it appears to have passed." As quickly as it came on, I muse to myself. I dozed on the car ride home and woke feeling much better. Perhaps breakfast did not agree with me. I did not eat anything out of the ordinary though.

"That's good." She stands and picks up the pieces of cereal left behind by Teddy. "He just woke up from a long nap and was having a snack while playing with his toys."

The evidence of Teddy's playtime litters nearly every surface of the family room. His favorite zoo animal balls dot the furniture and the floor. A warm breeze blows through the floor to ceiling windows, causing the long sheer curtains to billow and flow gracefully.

"I think I will take him outside to play Gail." I tell her. The fragrant scent of the sweet pea flowers planted in the beds by the windows envelope me. Calling to my senses and asking me to come enjoy the warm afternoon.

"Is there anything special you would like for dinner?"

"Some of your chicken soup would be wonderful." I think a simple dinner would be easy on my stomach. Gail leaves the room with the remnants of Ted's snack in tow and with my wriggly little boy in my arms; I open the French doors leading out to the backyard.

Grasping my hand Teddy and I move at a slow pace as he toddles at my side moving gingerly through the soft green grass. His supple leather brown teddy bear shoes sink amongst the emerald blades and bends down. Using his free hand, he concentrates hard to touch the pink sweet pea flowers in front of him.

I kneel beside him holding his hand to steady him. "They are pretty flowers aren't they Teddy?" I pluck one and hold it up to my nose. I breathe in the sweet smell and then offer it to him. A giggle breaks free from my lips when Teddy blows air out of his nose and mouth instead of breathing in the fragrant flower. "No smell Teddy, like this." I show him again, smelling the flower myself before letting him have another try. Just like before he blows air on the flower and I laugh. "You will get the hang of it sweet boy."

"Bbbbbb" He blows bubbles out of his mouth and points to a yellow butterfly fluttering in the sky above our heads. I look up to see it against the crisp blue sky.

"Butterfly," I tell him pointing just like he is.

The world is so new and magical to my baby boy. Everything is a cause for wonder and I love seeing things as he sees them, pristine and exciting. The sun shines down, highlighting his burnished copper curls. I run my fingers through them, feeling their baby fineness and I can't help kissing his chubby pink cheek.

His eyes still fixed on the yellow butterfly he turns his head to continue watching it when he sees Christian walk out onto stone patio.

"Dada!" He squeals excitedly and attempts to take off by himself, wanting to move speedily. He releases my hand and promptly plops down on his behind. The fall does not daunt him though, he never falters for a second, quickly turning to crawl on his knees he moves across the grass closing the short distance between himself and Christian.

"I thought I told you to finish at work and that I was fine." I gently admonish Christian as I follow the path in the grass left by our eager baby boy who is now beaming happily from his daddy's arms.

"You did." He gives me his killer one thousand megawatt smile. He is breathtaking in his gray flannel pants and simple white linen shirt. The sun illuminates his hair the same way it does Ted's.

"And you didn't listen."

"Do I ever listen Mrs. Grey?" He smirks with a raised eyebrow.

I put my hands on my hips, feigning irritation. "Not every often Mr. Grey."

He leans over and kisses the tip of my nose causing my frown to break and my lips to turn up in to a smile. "You love me though."

"That I do."

Christian seems to freeze for a moment. His eyes rake over my body from head to toe and I feel self-conscious.

"What is it?" I ask smoothing out my blouse and pants. "Do I have something on my clothes?" It is very probable considering I have been crawling around on the ground with Ted for nearly an hour exploring whatever he can find outside to peer at. He shakes his head 'no' but continues to look at me. "Then what is wrong?"

"Nothing…You're just beautiful Mrs. Grey."

I give him my shy smile. "You always tell me that Christian."

"And I always mean it." He echoes back. "You look radiant though…" He begins but trails off. With Ted still in his arms, he steps closer to me so that we are toe to toe. He places a hand against my cheek and strums his thumb along my cheekbone. "I love you."

Gazing in to his eyes, I see something hidden in the depths of the molten gray pools but I cannot grasp it. He is regarding me differently with a look of pure veneration. "I love you." I say back to him.

He presses his lips to mine. "Shall we go for a short walk?"

Teddy wiggles wanting down. Christian obliges his wordless request and each of us grasps one of Ted's hands. Moving at Ted's slow ambling pace, we walk towards the meadow. I doubt we get all the way there before one of us has to scoop him up to be carried.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you all for your reviews and thank you for sticking with me through my stories. I hope you all enjoy this chapter. I admit writing it was bittersweet for me because I feel for these characters and though I know they are not real it is hard writing something so heartwarming when I know they will lose their joy. I promise this will turn out happily though and Ana and Christian will be so much stronger on the other side of this impending tragedy. **

A tired Ted is propped on Christian's hip when we make it back to the house. The aroma of Mrs. Taylor's chicken soup wafts through the French doors when I open them and I have to fight back the impulse of nausea I feel. My stomach rolls and turns. I place my hand on it, wishing this bilious feeling would pass. I thought I was feeling better. My short nap then time spent outdoors in the fresh air made me feel so much better.

"Do you feel okay?" Christian asks noticing that I have paused by the doorway, not continuing to enter the house with him and Ted.

He sets Ted down on the floor and walks back to me. I watch Ted quickly crawl to where he left his sippy cup. Once he reaches his desired destination he sits on his bottom and reaches for it on the coffee table then brings it down to his mouth and drinks thirstily. Wetting my lips with my tongue, I swallow back my saliva, trying to wet my dry mouth.

"Baby, you look pale. Why don't you go lie down for a while?" Christian rubs my arm and I nod my head acquiescing to his suggestion, lying down actually sounds pretty good right now. I feel awful for leaving Christian and Teddy. I was so hoping we would sit down and have dinner together. Up until this very moment, I was actually feeling hungry.

"I think I will." My feet feel like lead and I shuffle them along up the stairs and in to our bedroom.

I don't even make it to the bed before I feel the few contents of my stomach making their way back up. Oh no, not again…I dash to the bathroom and this time I make it to the toilet, unlike the unfortunate event at work the trashcan is spared this time.

A soft knock sounds on the bathroom door just before it opens; Christian is standing in the doorway. Batting my hand rapidly at him, I motion like a lunatic for him to get out of the bathroom. _It is not as if he has never seen you vomit before_, my subconscious rolls her eyes at my stupid actions. I'd like to roll my eyes too if my head was not currently hanging over the seat of the toilet. Christian told me I looked radiant when he arrived home this afternoon. I know I do not look very radiant now. Ugh, irony…it is a nasty witch sometimes, just like my subconscious I think. She glares at me in response.

I feel Christian by my side; he is holding my hair in a makeshift ponytail behind my head and rubbing small circles on my back. "I'm right here baby." He coos to me and just his simple words and tone of voice make me feel better.

When I am confident that my stomach is done with its vicious revolt, I stand and take the hand towel Christian is offering me. Wiping my mouth, I grab my toothbrush and squirt a large amount of toothpaste on it. I scrub my teeth twice to get the metallic taste out of my mouth. This is awful, and looking in the mirror I see my reflection is awful was well, pale and gaunt, just like it was at work. I rinse my mouth out with the little cup beside the sink and then look up at Christian.

He is smiling. What the hell? A big ear-to-ear grin paints his face and I haven't the faintest idea why.

"What is so amusing Mr. Grey?" I arch and eyebrow at him and look around. "And where is Ted?"

"He is downstairs having his dinner with Mrs. Taylor." He answers being elusive about answering my first question. He is still wearing his face-splitting smile. Without speak he turns me so that I am facing the mirror. "Look at yourself Anastasia." He murmurs against my ear. I'm watching mostly him in the mirror and he is intently watching me, gray and blue staring back at one another.

"I'd rather not." I scoff as I am forced to once again peer at my less than desirable appearance in the mirror.

His hands move from where they are resting on my shoulders. Traveling down my arms they come to rest around my waist. Slowly he glides his hands around to my front, moving them in small adoring caresses. . "This is why you are sick baby." His voice hums, his cheek, scruffy with stubble, is pressed against mine.

My heart jumps in to my throat. "Christian, I don't think so."

"Why not?" He nuzzles my neck and kisses me just behind my ear.

"I only stopped taking the pills a few weeks ago and I'm still nursing Ted." I shake my head, wanting to hope but knowing it can't be so. Yes, I stopped taking my birth control pills because we wanted to have another baby but can I really be pregnant this soon after stopping them? Dumbfounded I stare blankly at myself.

A baby…another baby…surreptitiously a smile begins to tug at the corners of my mouth until it begs to be a full-blown smile and I cannot hold it back any longer. I am grinning at my reflection like a loon and I love it. I place my hands on top of Christians and marvel at how small they are in comparison to his. Together our four hands shelter my belly and the new life growing inside of me.

How can I be sure though? My smile falls. "Christian, I don't have any tests. I can't be sure until I've taken one."

Stepping back, Christian releases his hold on me and opens one of the drawers on his side of the vanity. He pulls out two boxes, both containing pregnancy tests.

"Were you planning on taking those?" I chide him.

"Don't get smart with me Mrs. Grey." He taps the end of my nose with his finger. "I bought them the day you threw away your pills."

Christian Grey shopping for pregnancy tests, now there is a picture I never thought I would have in my mind. I stifle a giggle. He probably had someone buy them for him.

"What?" He asks.

"I just can't imagine you actually buying those." I confess with a grin.

"Well I did Mrs. Grey and now I want you to take one." He hands one of the boxes to me and places the other on the counter top.

I open the box and pull out the folded paper pamphlet. Glancing over the instructions, I read that it is a digital test and will either display the words 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant.'

"Easy enough," I declare aloud to myself. Christian is still standing, watching me. "I hope you don't expect to stay in here Mr. Grey. Shoo, out, give me some privacy."

He kisses the tip of my nose, which he had just tapped. "Yes ma'am." Christian walks out of the bathroom and closes the door, leaving me alone to take care of erm…business.

After following the directions, I place the white stick flat on the bathroom counter and wash my hands. Waiting even the few minutes required for the test to read the results feels like an eternity. I will not look until it is time. I repeat to myself in my head several times and decide to leave the bathroom to wait. I cannot help it though and my eyes shift to where they test is lying as I make to exit the room. Pregnant. I grab the test and hold it in my shaking hands. Reading the eight-letter word again and again. Pregnant.

"Christian!" I scream his name and he bolts in to the bathroom immediately. No doubt, he was waiting right outside the door the entire time.

I hold the test up for him to see and feel tears welling up in my eyes. The tears are good tears. I am smiling and he is smiling. We are both laughing and he picks me up in his arms swinging me in a circle before grasping my face in his hands and kissing me with wild abandon. Teddy is going to have a baby brother or sister and I cannot stop smiling. I smile even though Christian is kissing me and I feel on top of the world.

"Oh baby," he whispers finally breaking our kiss. "I love you so much Ana. Thank you. Thank you for giving me our family." With his thumbs, he wipes away the tears that refuse to stop streaming down my cheeks.

"I love you," I whisper back to him and we kiss again. I am carrying Christian Grey's baby inside of me and I could not be happier.


	4. Chapter 4

I want to tell everyone the moment I know I am pregnant. Keeping my elation to myself and my lips sealed is proving difficult for me and I've only known for a few hours. How in the world am I going to keep the news a secret for twelve weeks? I already have an appointment with Dr. Greene as Christian forced me to call right after we read the positive test. Not many women can call their obstetrician and get an appointment the next day, another benefit of being Mrs. Christian Grey.

Stepping out of the shower, I slip on my sweat pants and tank top, which are lying on top of the bathroom counter top. _Christian_…I think to myself, knowing he was the one who placed clean clothes in the bathroom for me. I am tired and right now sleep is the only thing I want. I don't remember being this exhausted when I was first pregnant with Ted. I didn't even know when I was first pregnant with Ted. I cannot be more than three to four weeks pregnant I calculate the weeks in my head as I brush out my long hair and tie it back in wet messy bun on top of my head. Yes, I am very newly pregnant.

I lift my white tank top and move my hand slowly over my still flat stomach. I know the baby is in there. He or she is already making their presence known through my nausea and exhaustion but it is still so hard to believe. In nine short months, Christian and I will have two babies to take care of. Our family is expanding soon my belly will be too.

**"Kiss Mommy night night** Teddy," Christian urges Teddy with a whisper. The bed dips and I feel my baby boy crawling toward me. I blink my eyes having fallen asleep while reading a manuscript I brought home with me to read over. My pen is still in my hand and I am still sitting up in the bed with a few pillows propped behind me. My plate and glass containing untouched crackers and ginger ale still sit on my bedside table.

"I must have dozed off," I yawn. "Let me get up, I'll come help you tuck him in."

"Nonsense," Christian kisses me and gathers the strewn papers from the bed. "You stay here. I can give him a bottle and tuck him in." He takes the pen from my hand and places it on top of the papers, which he has stacked neatly and placed on his nightstand.

Teddy climbs in my lap and tugs on my shirt. "Mmmmmm…" he pats my chest and I smile at him.

"Yes baby boy," I say in answer, running my fingers through his fine curls I lift my shirt for him.

"Ana," Christian begins in protest. I know he wants me to rest and I cannot deny how tired I am but my Teddy wants me. I will not send him away.

Ted leans forward and latches on to my breast to nurse before bedtime. My stomach growls and I feel like I could eat maybe.

"Ana, you have to eat baby." Christian says as if reading my thoughts. I also notice that his eyes have drifted to my untouched plate and glass. He has disapproval written all over his face.

"I know. I'm actually hungry." I reach for a cracker and take a bite. It actually tastes good and I want more. "Will you fetch me some of the soup Mrs. Taylor made for dinner?" I watch his eyes light up.

"Coming right up Mommy."

"Thank you Daddy."

Christian returns holding a tray containing more crackers and a steaming hot bowl of chicken noodle soup. It smells heavenly and I cannot wait to dig in. I am thankful that my appetite has made a return. Having not eaten anything since the granola at lunch I am starving.

Teddy is still snuggled against me and as much as I don't want to move him I want to eat. I make to shift him but Christian stops me. "Let him nurse baby. I will feed you."

He sets the tray on top of the quilt and carefully climbs on the bed beside me. He lifts the full bowl dips the spoon in capturing some broth, carrots and noodles. "Open wide Mrs. Grey."

"Christian, this is silly. I can feed myself."

"Nonsense, you feed our son and I will feed you and our other baby." He puts the spoon to my mouth and I take the bite of soup. It is warm, comforting and delicious…perfect. My hungry stomach growls, wanting more. Teddy sighs and I cradle his head with my hand gently as he switches to my other breast.

I eat bite after bite until nearly the entire bowl of soup is gone. I even manage to eat a few more crackers and drink nearly all of my ginger ale. All the while, I am praying it all stays down, not wanting to be sick anymore tonight.

After taking the nearly empty tray back to the kitchen Christian lifts Ted off me and goes to tuck him in to his crib. I slide down in the bed and pull the covers up over me. I cannot resist placing my hands back over my belly. Tonight I held both of my babies. I cannot wait to hold them both in my arms. How different things are now than they were when we found out I was carrying Ted. I marvel at the happiness surrounding us and am thankful for it. Christian is such a good father to Teddy and I know he will love our second child just as much.

"A penny for your thoughts?" Christian's deep voice pulls me from my reverie. I shift my gaze from where I have been staring at the ceiling lost contemplation and see him standing by the bureau emptying his pockets. He steps out of his shoes and peels off his socks.

"I wasn't thinking of anything really."

"You looked very deep in thought for someone who wasn't thinking anything." He walks to the closet and hangs his belt up before slipping his gray pants off his body, followed by his shirt. He is an Adonis divine. His finely sculpted muscles move beneath his skin, showing every finely sketched sinew. Lastly, he sheds his black boxer briefs, trading them for a pair of navy pajama pants.

"I was just thinking of how happy we are." I answer after him as he walks in to the bathroom. I hear the faucet run and he returns a few moments later to climb in bed with me.

"You make me happy." He places a hand on top of where both of mine are resting. "Ana, promise me if you aren't feeling well in the morning you will stay at home." His voice changes subtly to a more solemn tone.

"Christian, I worked the entire time I was pregnant with Ted."

"I know and I did not approve it then and I do not approve of it now. You need to take care of yourself baby." I search his eyes and although my first inclination is to argue with him, seeing the earnestness behind his eyes I cannot.

"Okay," I acquiesce.

"Okay?" He ask in shock.

"Yes," I half giggle, "okay."

"Why can't you always be that agreeable?"

"Because you like a challenge Mr. Grey and you like my smart mouth. I have to keep you on your toes."

"That I do and that you do." He kisses me gently. "I mean it though Ana." He waggles a finger at me playfully, he is serious though.

"I know you do." I kiss him back. "I promise, no work if I don't feel well. Will you go with me to see Dr. Greene tomorrow?"

"Anastasia, I only missed your first doctor's appointment with Ted. I was there for every single one after and I will be with you for every appointment this time as well. I promise. Now, it is time for you to get some sleep."

I yawn in agreement and curl my body against Christian's. "My beautiful girl," he murmurs and presses his lips against the top of my head. I put my hands on his chest and feel his vital warmth against my skin. I could lay like this forever, with his arms wrapped around me. I am safe and I fall asleep instantly to the lullaby of his heartbeat and deep rhythmic breaths.


	5. Chapter 5

**I twist my hands** nervously in my lap while waiting for the nurse to call my name. The waiting room is quite full and again I wonder how in the world Dr. Greene managed to squeeze me in on such short notice. Surely, my pregnancy is not any more important than any of the other women who are seated around me.

Christian places his hands over mine to still my fidgeting. "Calm down baby. We've done this before, remember?" I look up and see him smiling down at me. I take a deep breath and nod. He's right, I have nothing to be nervous about.

"Mrs. Grey," a petite blonde woman calls my name and I nearly jump out of my seat. Christian stands just as quickly and places a hand at the small of my back to guide me through the waiting room.

"Good morning," the blonde nurse greets me cheerily and shows me to a room.

Dutifully Christian stands aside while my blood pressure, temperature and weight are taken. After making a few notes, the nurse hands me a cup and asks me to take it to the bathroom so she can perform the pregnancy test. Everything is just as it was when I was first pregnant with Ted. Only this time I am not alone, Christian is with me. I remember the fear I felt being all alone. The dread that washed over me when Dr. Greene asked me to take that first pregnancy test. This time is so much different. My stomach is not in knots as it was then. When I return with the cup the nurse dips the stick in and congratulates me on my new pregnancy. She then tells me the doctor will be in to see me soon.

Dr. Greene bustles in the room a few minutes later. "I see congratulations are in order Mrs. Grey, Mr. Grey." She says reading through the medical chart in her hand. She sits on a stool and places the chart on the desk in front of her then pivots the stool so that she is facing us.

"Thank you," I beam at her.

"Do you have any idea as to how far along you may be?" She asks with her pen in hand.

"Only a few weeks I think." I mentally count back and calculate dates in my head like I did last night. Not coming up with anymore definitive of an answer than I did then.

"When was your last period?"

"I haven't had one. I stopped taking the birth control pills only a few weeks ago."

"And you did not have a full cycle?"

I look up to Christian then back to her. "No."

"Do you know the exact date you stopped taking the contraceptive pills?" She is still taking notes and glancing up at me intermittently.

I open my mouth to answer and tell the doctor that I am not sure the exact date when Christian speaks up. "The eighteenth of April." He says answering the question for me. I look at him questioningly and he shrugs his shoulders. "I told you I went out and bought the tests." He answers my nonverbal questions with such casualness that I cannot help but giggle.

I glance at Dr. Greene and I see that she is wearing a smile of her own as she jots down the given information on my chart. "Very well then. Mrs. Grey, would you like to put on a gown and we can try to see the baby?" She puts her pen down and hands me the blue gown, which was resting on the examining chair.

I take it and despite Christian's questioning looks I go in to the adjoining bathroom and slip off my clothes. When I come out Dr. Greene has the ultrasound machine ready. I sit back on the table and she instructs me to relax. Christian is by my side and holding my hand.

"It's okay," I reassure him. "This is how Teddy's first baby picture was taken."

He looks skeptical but nods. I have to remind myself that this is all new to him. He came to every appointment after the first but did not experience what I experienced the first time I saw a picture of our little Ted.

I feel the wand slide inside of my body and out of pure reaction, my muscles tense. "Relax," Dr. Greene says in her firm but comforting voice. I do and an image appears on the screen.

"Look, there." She points to a tiny dot. "There is your baby Mrs. Grey." She smiles and moves the screen to face us. "I believe you are four weeks pregnant, an early detection just like last time, if I remember right."

I smile, "Yes, just like last time."

"Would you like for me to print a picture for you?"

"Yes, please."

Christian is still staring at the screen mesmerized. Finally, he breaks his gaze and looks at me. He has tears in his eyes. I reach up and stroke his cheek. "I'm okay Christian."

"I know," he whispers hoarsely. He clears his throat. "Is the baby doing well?" He asks directing his attention to the doctor.

"The baby looks fine Mr. Grey." She hands us the print out and flips the machine off.

I sit up while Dr. Greene moves the ultrasound machine back and goes back to the chart on the desk. "You are due sometime in mid-January Mrs. Grey. I would like to schedule another appointment to see you back in four weeks."

"Four weeks?" Christian asks evidently shocked.

"Yes Mr. Grey, that is standard protocol. Also Mrs. Grey I need to ask if you have had any cramping, nausea, spotting and are you still breastfeeding?"

"I have had a bit of nausea yes and I am still breastfeeding Ted."

She makes a few more notes. "Would you like anything for the nausea?"

Christian urges me to consider the doctor's offer but I tell her no and that if it persists I will call and let her know. She seems content with my answer and gives me information on breastfeeding while pregnant. "Your milk may taste different to your baby now that your hormones are changing. Also, if you notice any spotting please call me. Many women breastfeed while they are pregnant and as long as the pregnancy is healthy with no complications, I see no reason for you to stop. Breastfeeding can cause small uterine contractions though and in an unhealthy pregnancy that can increase your chances of preterm labor or miscarriage." I feel Christian's hand squeeze mine. Dr. Greene notices the change in both of our expressions. "There is no reason to believe any of those instances will occur to you Mrs. Grey. Your first pregnancy was a normal and healthy one. There is nothing that gives me cause to believe that this one will be any different." Inwardly I let out a sigh of relief and thank her for her time.

The warm May air surrounds us as we exit the doctor's office. "What would you like to do for the rest of the day my beautiful girl?" Christian asks putting his arm around my waist.

I look up at him confused. "Don't you have to go back to work?"

"Baby, I'm the CEO. If I want to take the day off to be with my wife then that is what I will do and I want to take the day off to be with my wife."

See, it is that easy, just another benefit of being Christian Grey or being married to him. "I could go for some lunch." I answer due to the pang of hunger I suddenly feel.

"Anything you want baby." He kisses my hair and opens the passenger side door of the R8 for me.

I climb in and look at the picture I am still clutching in my hand. My little baby…is it a girl or a boy? Should I call it blip or junior like Christian wanted to call Teddy but settled for my already given term of endearment, blip. I settle on junior, just knowing that it must be another baby boy growing in my belly.

My entire steak is gone and only half of my fries are left. I wipe my mouth with my white linen napkin then place it back in my lap. Christian is smiling at me and I know it is because he is happy to see me eat. My nausea from yesterday has yet to make a return today and my stomach is thankful.

"I would like to tell my parents about the baby," he says lifting his glass of water and taking a sip.

I grin, "Good, I am dying to tell someone."

We both laugh and it is a wonderful feeling. "I am so glad. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops the moment I saw you yesterday." He confesses.

"Christian, how did you know yesterday?"

"I knew it the moment I saw you Anastasia. You are so beautiful, you are always beautiful, but when you were, carrying Ted there was something different. It was as if you were constantly beaming and you were so radiant. When I saw you outside with Ted yesterday I just knew." The sincere adulation in his words reflects in his eyes. Their splendid gray hue is immaculate. "You're beaming even now."

"That is because I have the most wonderful husband in the world."

"That too," he agrees and he gives me a mischievous smile.

"Narcissist." I chide him but I don't really mean it.

"If I am it is only because of you Mrs. Grey. It is the way you make me feel."

Oh Christian, such a change, so much more self-assured, he is gorgeous inside and out. "When do you want to tell your parents about junior?"

"Junior?"

"Yes, I decided since I named Ted blip we could use your name this time."

"Shall we have them over for dinner tomorrow?"

"Yes, I will speak with Gail about dinner." My heart smiles as I think about telling Christian's parents. I know Grace will be thrilled when we share the news with her.


	6. Chapter 6

Ladies,

This is not a chapter although I am working on a new one and will have it up very soon. I felt, in light of several reviews and PMs I have received lately, that I wanted to write to you all and share some things about myself. I know this story is different from my other two in some ways. I have had a few of you say it is not as light hearted and you do not like it. Some of you have said you will skip the heartbreaking chapters. I understand your feelings. However, I would like to point out that not everything about the original three books by EL James were happy. Nothing was all 'hearts and flowers' ;) if you will.

Christian and Ana are going through something in my story which is real, it is human and it happens.

I myself suffer from infertility. Yep, I have never had a baby. My husband and I tried for eight years before I finally threw in the towel. We have a beautiful son from my husbands first marriage. He turned 13 years old today. I have been mom to this beautiful boy since he was 11 months old. His biological mother has been gone since he was 2 months old. I consider him mine in every sense of the word with the exception of the fact that I did not give birth to him.

Shortly after my husband and I were married I had a miscarriage. I was never able to become pregnant again.

Writing these stories have been a sort of therapy to me. Writing Christian, Ana and Teddy is cathartic. I do a substantial amount of research when I write. I constantly google, read books and websites to make the story as real as I can. By writing what I do I feel like I get to live the characters lives. I step out of myself for a few moments and it is a beautiful thing to do.

I hope this will give you all a little more insight and perspective on my writing. Please know that I am not insensitive to anyone who has struggled with miscarriage or infertility because I as a woman have been there myself.

Over a year ago I accepted the fact that I am not meant to have biological children and if I was put on this earth to be solely the mother of my 13 year old then I am okay with that. Finding that piece was the first part of my healing process. Reading the books I read and then writing this story was the next part.

Well, enough of my rambling. I just wanted you all to see a piece of me and know that...I get it.

Love,

Rebekah


	7. Chapter 7

**_Thank you all for your words and thank you to the ladies who shared their stories with me. I never intend to stop writing this story or the others. I only wanted everyone to know that I am sensitive to my readers and understand this is a sensitive subject. Thank you all so much for reading. :) I Hope you enjoy this chapter, I've tossed in a lemon for you all._**

**An orchestral piece drifts** through the speakers, wrapping me in its waiflike sound. Christian glances over at me, briefly taking his eyes off the road ahead of us. "Are you tired?"

"I feel exhausted, funny because I haven't done much of anything today."

"Except grow another human being inside of your body," he reaches his hand over and grasps one of mine. "Sleep baby, I will wake you when we get home."

With his hand holding mine I lean my head against the window. The trees are a blur of bright spring green outside of my window. I watch them and the other cars passing us for a while before giving over completely to my impending slumber. The motion of Christian's thumb running back and forth over my knuckles soothes me. Happiness is the last thing I remember feeling before my eyes close.

"Baby," Christian nuzzles me awake and kisses each of my closed eyelids in turn. I smile and stretch feeling the warm wind brush over me. The car has stopped and he is on my right side. We must be at home. "Come on sweet girl, we are at home."

Home…I can lay in my bed and sleep. My body and mind still feel so heavy with tiredness. Christian reaches over me and unbuckles my seatbelt. I try to protest telling him I can do it but he overlooks my feeble attempt at dissent. When he puts his arms around me to carry me I stop him. "Christian, I can walk."

"I know," he replies chastened by my sudden rebuttal.

"I'm sorry," I quickly apologize for my crass tone. Placing my hand against his cheek, I soothe him. "I know you were just looking out for me, but I can walk, really."

He gives me a soft smile and kisses my cheek. "Then let me help you out at least." I place my hand in his and allow him to help me from the car.

Almost as if he was anticipating our arrival, Teddy is crawling in the direction of the foyer the moment we open the door. I hear Gail calling after him and see her scurrying to follow my fast moving little boy.

"It's alright Gail, I've got him." I tell her and bend down to lift him up. Christian beats me to it though and picks him up first.

Teddy does not dispute the change and wraps his short little baby arms around Christian's neck tightly to give him a welcoming hug. "Dada," he says then pulls his face back and leaves a slobbery kiss on Christian's cheek. As quickly as he accepted Christian holding him, he wants down and wiggles his little body like a worm trying to get away.

Once on the floor he is crawling back in to the great room. We follow him and he pulls himself up to stand beside the couch.

"I was just about to put Mister Teddy down for a nap." Gail says lifting him up in her arms.

"I can get him Gail."

"Ana, let me. You go lie down and rest." Christian crosses in front of me once again taking Ted in to his arms.

Gail is watching the exchange between Christian and I with a peculiar look on her face. Does she know that I am pregnant too? Is it obvious to everyone? Instinctively my hand goes to my belly as if I was already growing a bump. I know I am not though and the idea is absurd. There is positively no way anyone other than Christian and I know I am pregnant. I thank Christian and Gail excuses herself to go begin preparing dinner.

"I think we should consider hiring help for Mrs. Taylor," Christian announces to me as we are walking up the stairs. "She is already busy with housework; Ted is growing and becoming more active which is keeping her busier…and now with a new baby on the way…"

I agree with Christian. Gail's schedule is already demanding and could prove to be even more so the bigger Teddy gets. Of course, I will be home to help her once the baby comes and I am still not working a full time schedule. _You will never work a full time schedule_ my subconscious interjects. My life is so different than I ever imagined it would be. Most days I am accustomed to life with Christian but they are still moments when it mystifies me and I find myself disconcerted. I would not trade what I have with the man I love for anything in the world though.

"I will begin searching for help and accepting applications immediately." He finishes his thought. Was he talking to me this entire time? I have no idea, I must have faded in to my own contemplations, unhearing of what he was saying to me.

"How will you find someone to help Gail?" I ask, ignorant to how one goes about finding a house cleaner. I think of Gail as so much more than a maid. Calling her a maid feels coldhearted to me. She is very much a friend to me and I depend on her in so many ways. Finding someone as wonderful as she is will not be an easy task.

"I will first speak with Mrs. Taylor, she may already know of someone looking for work. If not her then perhaps Gretchen who works for my parents may know of someone."

Gretchen, yes miss blonde pigtails. I am sure she could find someone. Someone like her who has eyes for my husband. _Down girl,_ I hear my subconscious say but my inner goddess agrees. Christian is hands off territory for anyone but me.

Unable to fall back asleep I pick up my iPad from where I set it down after finishing reading last night. I turn it on and brush my finger across the screen. The icons appear and tap on Google. I stare at the screen, contemplating exactly what words I want to type in. "First trimester symptoms," I say aloud to no one in particular, speaking to myself as I type the words. The search results pop up immediately and I select the second one. I scan the pages…nausea… I can check that one off my list of 'things I have' as well as fatigue. I want to laugh at myself for even reading these pages. It was not so long that I was pregnant with Ted. Surely, there will be nothing different about this pregnancy. Deciding I am being silly, I turn my iPad off and place it back on the bedside table.

"I thought you were supposed to be sleeping." Christian closes the door behind him, catching me as I set the iPad down.

"I don't feel very tired anymore."

"What were you doing?" He nods in indication at the iPad.

"Being silly I suppose. I was looking up symptoms I might experience in my first trimester."

"We've done this before baby, remember?"

I smile and reach for his hand, which is resting in his lap. "I know."

He brings his head down to mine and brushes my lips with his. "You are so beautiful, Ana." I respond to his touch and kiss him tenderly. I run my hand up his biceps, covered by his black t-shirt and I grip him firmly there. Tangling his hand in my hair at the back of my head, he wraps his other arm around my waist and pulls me close. I feel myself responding and I want to touch him so very much.

"You are supposed to be taking a nap." He says, reminding me again of how tired I was earlier. Now I feel exhilarated though, by him. No longer does an ounce of exhaustion flow through my veins. Christian moves his lips down my neck, nipping and biting me along the way.

"Ah…"

"Does this feel good baby?" He pulls back to peer at me, almost as if he is committing the vision in his mind.

"Yes…" I whimper in response.

He slips his hand from around my waist and begins rubbing me between my legs. Applying just the right amount of pressure, he drives me out of my mind. I push against him anxiously, wishing I were not wearing my leggings right now.

"You are very eager Mrs. Grey." He taunts me, taking my bottom lip in between his teeth. I grin around his kiss.

"Because what you are doing to me Mr. Grey, is turning me on."

"How much is it turning you on?"

I take his hand from between my legs and lift my denim shirtdress slightly before pushing both of our hands past my leggings and panties. Christian groans in appreciation when my wetness coats both of our fingers.

Gently he untangles his fingers from my locks and lays my head down on my pillow. Together we peel my leggings and panties from my body. They are discarded somewhere at the end of our bed. I do not give thought or time to the matter of where they land.

"Touch yourself with me," He commands and places my fingers against my clitoris. I rub myself the way he shows me. Once he is satisfied with my ministrations, he slides two fingers inside of me. "Keep going Ana," he encourages. "Help me make you come."

Fuck, this is so hot. I whimper and cry out loud, throwing my head back. I let pure sensation take over my body. My legs begin to quiver.

"That's it baby, give it all to me."

"Christian!" I call out and I feel myself tightening around him then I fall resplendently into orgasmic bliss.

When I flicker my eyes open he is looming above me, naked from the waist down, large and wanting. Wordlessly he slides his body in mine, we fit perfectly together like always.

"My wife…" He breathes out and lets his hands delicately caress my stomach.

In that instant I am in awe of what our bodies can do together. The love and life we create when we join as one amazes me.

"Love me Christian," I nearly sob. I need him to move. I wrap my legs around his waist and with remarkable control; he begins to glide in and out of me. I want to cry I love him so much. No matter what is handed to us we will always overcome it. We have everything when we are together.


	8. Chapter 8

**It has been a long week with little time to write for me but I have been busy in my mind thinking of new scenes constantly. :) I hope you all enjoy this chapter.**

Christian presses feather light kisses in turn to each of my eyelids. I flutter them open to see him still leaning over me, our deep physical contact unbroken. He props himself up on his elbows, careful not to distribute any of his weight on me.

"Are you hurt baby?" He wipes away a stray tear.

I shake my head adamantly to dispel any unpleasant thoughts he might be having. He has been so concerned and attentive to me. Just the very thought of him having harmed me will make him feel dreadful.

"No…it's just that I love you so much." I feel so silly, yet again. I laugh and hide my face, covering it with both of my hands.

"Hey," He coos soothingly and I move my hands to see him smiling. "I love you too." He kisses me and my fingers brush through his hair. "Now, I believe it is time for that nap Mrs. Grey." He moves to lie beside me.

"Agreed," I cover my yawn. "I need the bathroom first though."

I stretch my arms over my head and pull my hair back as I walk to the bathroom. Tying it into a low ponytail, I grin when I hear Christian whistle from the bed. "Pervert," I call out to him and his response is a low laugh. I love his laugh. I give my hips an extra little swish to antagonize him just before shutting the door.

I reach for my silk robe that is hanging behind the door and slip it around myself before taking care of business. I know logically I can spend the entire afternoon uncloathed in our bedroom if I want to but I feel chilled now that I am out of Christian and I's warm bed and I want the extra warmth of my robe. What little warmth it actually offers. It glides over my skin seamlessly, covering my nakedness.

When I wipe, a spot of light pink halts my thoughts and happy musings dead in their tracks. My mind screams and silences all at once. I feel my heart jumping in to my throat and I feel like I am going to be sick. Oh God, I am going to be sick. _Breathe. Breathe. Breathe._ I take three deep breaths. Willing myself not to vomit or panic. I need to remain calm. This can be normal. I know it can be. I remember reading it in the book Christian purchased when I was newly pregnant with Ted. I talk myself down from the alarm, which is threatening to overtake my emotions.

I wipe one more time and there is still pink, slightly less than last time. _One more time_, I tell myself and break off some more toilet paper. This time there is no pink. I breathe a sigh of relief. It is normal Ana, get a grip, it can happen. I flush the toilet and wash my hands.

Christian is waiting for me when I walk back out. He has just the white sheet draped over his waist and he looks so gorgeous. I walk to him quickly and pull back the covers to join him. I lay my head on his chest and bask in his warmness.

He kisses the top of my head, "Everything alright?" He has asked me this question or some form of it so often over the past few days. Does he sense something? I close my eyes briefly to clear my head, of course not. There is nothing to sense.

"Mmmmm…I'm just tired." I answer, lying. Why am I lying? Because I know he would freak out that's why. I feel so guilty but I don't want to worry him over nothing. It is nothing…right? I nuzzle his chest and kiss his vibrant skin, deciding to lay my worries to rest for now. If anything else happens, I will tell him and call the doctor. _'If there is any spotting please call me,_' Dr. Greene's voice rings loud and clear in my ears but I ignore it for now. There is nothing to fret about right now. I am just being silly.

I sleep fitfully, dozing in and out of consciousness before finally giving in to wakefulness. When I open my eyes, I see that Christian is sound asleep beside me. How much did he sleep last night? He must have not slept much at all and I briefly wonder if he was up watching me sleep. He has always possessed that habit, but I found he did it even more often when I was carrying Ted. It was as though he was in awe of me and could not take his eyes off me.

I look to the red clock number on the table and know by the time and by the quiet baby monitor that Ted is still taking his nap. I think of everything I can to take my mind off what happened in the bathroom earlier. I decide to read over a manuscript for work but place the stack of papers back down only a few paragraphs later. My thoughts are consumed with other things. Reaching for my iPad I pull up the search icon again and begin researching light pink spotting in early pregnancy. Everything I find assures that it is quite normal and is merely the baby nestling in for the next nine months. _The doctor asked you to call her though_; my subconscious reminds me in a none to patient tone.

I put my hand to my belly and stroke it gently. "Please only be snuggling in tight little junior." I whisper in a barely audible voice, not wanting to wake Christian. Teddy's baby babbling sounds through the monitor and I know he is awake. I turn the volume down and get out of bed, leaving my iPad in my empty place.

Standing in his crib with his little hands holding on to the railing Teddy grins from ear to ear when he sees me.

"Mamamama," He jibbers calling to me while extending one of his hands to grasp at the air in my direction.

"Did you have a good nap sweet boy?" I pick him up and kiss each of his rosy cheeks in turn. Anxiously he reaches back to his crib, pointing at his forgotten pacifier. "Do you want this?" I pick it up and offer it to him. Greedily he takes it and puts it in his mouth.

After a diaper change, Teddy insists on being placed on the floor. His intentions become clear when he begins crawling to the soft blue carpet near his window. He reaches his push toy, which has different rings, buttons, dials, and begins playing with it. His enthusiasm for play is infectious and I cannot resist joining him. Precariously he pulls himself up with the handle and takes a shaky step forward, causing the wheels on the bottom to turn just a smidge.

"Step again Teddy, make it go." I encourage him but at the first feeling of the tottering motion, he drops down to sit on his bottom. "You're getting it big boy," I ruffle his copper locks gently. "Keep trying, you will be walking in no time." His attempt at walking already forgotten his little brow is furrowed in concentration as he slides the red and yellow wooden rings from left to right. His nimble fingers working to grasp one ring at a time instead of the entire cluster.

The more I become engaged in Teddy's play the more my earlier worries diminish. I lie on my belly with Ted and help him to work the buttons and spinning blocks, marveling at how much he is accomplishing.

"Ana!" I hear Christian scream my name and chills break out over my body. What is wrong? He bolts in the nursery less than a second later. He is wide eyed with fear and my gaze shifts to see the iPad in his hand. In a blur of motion, he moves across the room and falls to the floor where I am. I see the webpage I was reading before I left our bedroom open in front of me.

"Why were you reading this?" He demands irately holding the iPad up for me to see. Tears rush to my eyes. He is scared I know he is scared but he's so angry. I should have told him. I know I should have told him. Inwardly I am beating myself up because I know I brought these emotions on for him and it was unnecessary. He would have still panicked but it would have been a different kind of panic if I had only told him right after… When he sees my tears, he comes to a cease-fire. "Baby…" His manner shifts. I sit up and look down to Ted. He is still deeply engaged in his task of moving rings.

"I spotted Christian after we had sex. It was only a little and it stopped." Some unnamed expression sweeps across his face and I can barely grasp what it is before it is gone. Guilt. I am sure it was guilt though. Oh Christian, you did nothing wrong. I want to tell him, to assure him but he continues speaking, not giving me the chance.

"You knew when you came back to bed?" I nod and bite my bottom lip. "Have you called the doctor?"

"I was searching about it on the internet Christian. It is quite common apparently…"

"You didn't call the doctor?" He answers his own question in the form of another question.

"No."

"Were you planning to?"

"If it happens again, yes."

"I do not want for you to wait for it to happen again Ana. This is our baby's life. Please Ana."

He moves his hand and cups it protectively over my stomach. His earlier anger has elapsed in to trepidation. Concern is etched in the lines across his forehead. I reach up and trace them with my fingertips. How can I say 'no' to him? He is right. I nod my head in compliance.

"I will call her now."

"Good," His shoulders sag with relief. "Baby, if anything happened to you." His hand strokes my cheek.

"I know." I silence him by placing my fingers over his lips. "Take Teddy downstairs and give him a snack?"

"Sure," he smiles. It is a painful smile though. I know he will not be at peace until I have spoken with Dr. Greene and he is assured that everything is just as it should be.

**"What did the doctor** say?" Christian looks up from where he is pouring cereal in a bowl for Ted who is watching his every move, anticipating receiving his snack.

They are seated at the kitchen table and Gail is stirring something on the stove. I flick my eyes to her before answering Christian. I feel uncomfortable with Gail here and do not wish to talk about it in front of her. Thankfully, he catches my implication and asks her if she can give us a moment. Of course, she graciously complies and leaves the room, placing the lid on the giant pot before going.

"Mama…" Teddy states and smiles at me around the cereal he is munching.

"Is it yummy Ted?" I move to sit beside him.

"nack?" He says offering me a single piece from his bowl. I lean forward and allow him to place the honey coated bite in my mouth.

"Mmmmmm…it is so yummy. Thank you for sharing your snack with me sweet boy." He grins and happily goes back to enjoying his snack.

I look up from Ted and see that Christian is regarding me intently. Waiting for me to answer his question. "She asked me if it had stopped and I told her it had. She assured me that it is normal and that many women experience it. She called it 'implantation bleeding'."

He looks skeptical. "What about sex?"

I want to giggle but his serious expression stops me. "I have not been given anything other than a green light on that Mr. Grey."

"I'm serious Ana. Did that cause it?"

"Dr. Greene said it could have but again, that is normal. She asked if I had any cramps."

"Do you? Have you?" The words rush out of his mouth.

"No I do not and no I have not." Relief washes over him again, for the second time this afternoon. "Christian I will call her if anything else happens, I promise."

"I only want you to be safe Anastasia."

"I know." I reach across the table in front of Ted and take Christian's hand in mine. "I will tell you if anything else happens, I promise, but nothing else is going to happen, Christian."

I swallow back my own fear at those last words. A profound sense of foreboding has settled over me and I cannot shake it. Maybe when a day has passed with no other, alarming signs…maybe then I will be confident again.


	9. Chapter 9

**UNDER THE WATCHFUL EYES **of Christian, I nurse Ted before putting him to bed. I kiss Ted's fingers tenderly as he lifts his hand, bringing it to my mouth. He gives me an answering grin and yawns adorably around my nipple before resuming his sucking. Christian's long skilled fingers work from heel to toe, massaging my left foot. My right, having already been attended too, feels heaps better than it did before Christian worked his magical fingers on it. He has kept me near his side all day constantly scrutinizing my every move and word. I could find it maddening but I know he is concerned.

After Ted's bath, he adamantly disagreed with me when I told him I was going to nurse Ted before bedtime, just as I do every night. My Fifty, still craving complete control after all this time. He managed to let go of this one though, for now, when I reminded him that Dr. Greene had not advised against it during my phone conversation with her.

"Is he asleep?" Christian notices Ted's breathing slow and his little hand drops to rest atop his baby belly.

"I think so." I rub his tummy and carefully detach him from my breast. He stirs slightly, his eyes stay closed.

"Do you feel well?" He releases my barefoot and places it gently on the soft carpet. I wriggle my toes enjoying the languorous sensation.

"Christian," I sigh his name feeling slightly vexed. "I am well. I wish you would stop worrying so much."

"I can't and I won't Mrs. Grey, get used to it." He stands in front of me and lifts our sleeping son from my arms.

"Sleep well son." Christian covers Ted with his soft russet blanket and kisses his own palm before placing it against Ted's cheek. "Come," he holds a hand out for me, which I take with one of my own.

Christian closes our bedroom door and walks to the bedside table where he turns on the monitor. "Bath or shower?" He asks me as he begins to unbutton his shirt.

I stretch my arms above my head wanting to pass on both. I am tired and right now, the comfortable softness of my bed is calling to me, beckoning me to lie down. "I'm tired Christian, I think I'll just go to bed."

My brown hair falls in messy waves around my shoulders when I release it from the hair tie. I notice Christian has paused his movements and is staring at me with one arm still in his shirt and one arm out. "What?" I ask and pull my tank top over my head. I am now standing topless, wearing only my gray sweat pants.

He grins artfully, "Nothing, merely enjoying the view." I smile back at him. He removes his shirt the rest of the way and disappears in to the bathroom. Coming back out he has a pill and a small glass of water in his hands. "Your vitamin Mommy." He places the ginormous pink pill in my hand and I put it on my tongue before taking a sip of the water and swallowing it.

"Thank you Daddy." I never once forgot a prenatal vitamin the entire time I was pregnant with Ted due to Christians never ending verbal prompts or aides-mémoires he would leave for me in his absence.

I am surprised when he chooses to forgo having a shower and climbs in bed with me, wearing only his boxers, he wraps his arm around my waist. My back is to his front and I bask in the warmth emanating from his body.

"I thought you were going to have a shower?" I snuggle back against him, subtly moving my behind in a slightly provocative manner.

"I decided against it. I will have one in the morning with you, and there will be none of that Mrs. Grey." He adds and emphasizes what he is alluding to by placing a stilling hand against my bottom. "I will not risk your health or the baby's health."

"Christian, Dr. Greene did not say..."

"No, Anastasia, just no, and that is final."

I roll my eyes and huff to myself. I actually feel good right now. In fact, I have felt good all day with the exception of the minimal spotting earlier. There has been not even a hint of the morning sickness I was struggling with before and for that, I am grateful. Hanging my head over the toilet is not exactly my idea of a fantastic time.

"And do not roll your eyes at me. I may not be able to see you but I know when you are doing it. There might not be much I can do about it right now but I will take care of you when you are no longer in a delicate state."

Thank heavens he did not say a delicate condition. I loathe that term and always have. I am not glass and frankly I have a good mind to roll him over, climb on top of him and have my way with him to show him just how 'delicate' I am not. I decide against it though. I did spot earlier and I want to keep our baby safe and snug inside of me until he or she is ready to be born.

"Yes, sir." I answer, knowing it will elicit some sort of reaction out of him.

"I know what you are trying to do Anastasia and it is not working. Go to sleep." I feel him shift in bed and hear the button on the lamp click, turning it off and bathing the room in darkness. I would taunt him further but I am tired. I yawn and fall asleep to the feel of Christian's long fingers combing through my tresses.

I open my eyes feeling like I have not slept at all. I am groggy and momentarily unaware of why I am awake. What woke me up? I look out the expansive window in front of me and see there is not even a hint of dawn emerging over the sound yet. When my eyes adjust to the darkness, I read the numbers on the alarm clock in front of me. It is 4 o'clock in the morning. Why am I awake? I ponder to myself again before the painfully apparent reason washes over me. My hand cups my lower abdomen as a dull cramp surges through my body. It is not painful, only a slight discomfort. Still, it is not a comforting occurrence. The tenderness goes as quickly as it came. I lie awake waiting to see if it will come back and when it does not I give in to my heavy eyelids and drift back off to sleep.

Thirty minutes after four in the morning, the red numbers tell me when my eyes open again and I feel another dull wave. I shift a tad thinking I want to get up but not wanting to disturb Christian. His warm breath fans my neck while he breathes rhythmically in his sleep. I bite my bottom lip and try to hide the whimper, which escapes. Instantly I feel Christian's hold on my middle tighten.

"Ana?" He sits up and flips the bedside lamp on. His movements are swift and rattled. I squint my eyes and cover them, shielding them what seems like blaring brightness.

"Christian the light…"

"Baby what is it?" He ignores my complaint about the lamp and rolls me over so that I am lying on my back.

My eyes now better adjusted to the light look up at him and I cannot deny the truth to him. "Cramps, they're not bad though. I'm okay."

"Fuck Anastasia, no you are not. Something is wrong. I know it." He all but slings the bed sheets from his body. In no time, he is out of bed and slipping a pair of jeans on over his black boxers.

"Where are you going?" I question him baffled and sit up myself.

"We are going to the hospital." He emphasizes the word 'we' and I look down at my pale pink satin nightdress. I do not want to go to the hospital. I want to stay in bed. I want to sleep.

"Christian is not even 5 o'clock in the morning. Be sensible, I will call Dr. Greene the moment her office opens." He puts on a plain white t shirt quickly and is stuffing his wallet in his back pocket.

"I am being sensible Ana, you are not. Get out of bed and put on your sweats." He thrusts a pair of gray sweat pants and a t shirt at me which he took out of one of the bureau drawers.

"I am not. I am going to the bathroom." I get out of bed and walk calmly to the bathroom. I know he is behind me and I know he is fuming.

"You can go on your own or I can carry you, the choice is yours." He says following me, I turn to see he is now carrying my clothes that I left abandoned on the bed.

"If you do not mind Mr. Grey, I would like to pee in privacy." I turn and speak to him before closing the door and locking it.

Another muted ache streaks across my belly and I touch it in a gentle massage. They cramps are not terrible and I remember reading they can be normal, generally being accompanied by spotting. Remembering what I read on the websites yesterday offers me a small amount of comfort and solace.

I go to the bathroom without incident. There is no further spotting and I am relieved. When I exit back in to the bedroom Christian is standing at the foot of the bed holding the pants and shirt. Right away, I feel guilty for shutting him out when I see tearstains on his cheeks.

"Anastasia…please let me take you to the hospital." He begs me, his mannerisms much more subdued now. He does not try to approach me, he just stands there with my clothes in his hands.

I walk to him and surprisingly he lets me take the clothing and set it on the bed behind him. I lift both of his arms and place them around my waist. "Christian," I attempt to soothe him, "I read this afternoon that the minimal spotting can be accompanied by dull cramps. It is our little one's way of snuggling in tightly."

He closes his eyes briefly and I want to believe that he hears what I am saying but I know he is petrified. "I don't care about what you read on some damn internet website Ana. I need to know that you and the baby are okay. Please let me take you to the hospital."

"We could be sitting there for hours Christian. Dr. Greene can see me sooner than some doctor in the hospital will be able to."

I know I'm right. When Kate and I first started college, I got strep throat and instead of waiting for the doctor's office to open, I went to the hospital. The pain and the fever I had were unbearable but when it was all over, I sat in that hospital for hours. The doctor's office was open long before I was actually seen by anyone in the hospital.

I stroke my thumbs across his cheeks, wiping away moisture left in the wake of his tears. "The second they open I am calling."

"Thank you." I sigh and wrap my arms around him, pressing my cheek against his chest.

"Do you hear me Anastasia? I am calling them. I want to talk with them and I will be going with you to see the doctor."

"I know." I state simply. There is no reason to argue with him. I know he will always put our children and me first before work or anyone else in his life.

"Have you had anymore cramps?" He asks pulling me back away from his body so that he can look at my face.

"No. I only had a few."

"What about when you went to the bathroom? Was there anymore spotting when you wiped?"

Just get the point why don't you Grey. Talk about bluntness with a lack of privacy. "No." I answer honestly, because again it is easier to just answer him than to argue with him.

Christian lifts me in his arms like a small child and I let him. He carries me to the bed where he lays me down and climbs in, cradling me to his body. The first hints of morning are peaking over the house and bathing the sound head on in elusive shades of cerise and honey. With the cramps gone I drift back to sleep. Feeling Christian press intermittent kisses to the top of my head.


	10. Chapter 10

I am seen the moment we come in to Dr. Greene's office. We have barely sat down for a moment when my name is called and I am ushered back by the same friendly nurse from yesterday's visit. All of my vitals are taken again before the nurse proceeds to ask me about the spotting and cramping. Occasionally I feel Christian's hand squeeze mine as I tell the nurse everything, leaving nothing unstated. She thanks me and moves me to a room, telling me the doctor will be in soon.

The exam room door reopens just as the nurse is closing it. Dr. Greene greets us both kindly but is short with her address. She is intently reading the clipboard she has in her hands; no doubt, it contains the notes from the nurse. Christian and I sit stoically while she reads waiting for her to speak further.

"Mrs. Grey, I would like to perform another vaginal ultrasound." She folds the papers over, placing the clipboard on the small desk that is built in to the cabinets, which expand the length of the wall in front of us.

Dressed in a blue gown identical to the one I wore yesterday I lie back and place my feet in the stirrups. I want to look at Christian and offer him some sort of solace but I cannot force my eyes to look away from the screen beside me. The room is eerily quiet, or are Christian and Dr. Greene talking and I am unaware of it. I don't know what I'm looking for on that screen. The image is all blurred, black and white static just like it was yesterday. Everything looks exactly the same as it did, nothing has changed. Even the little blip on the screen, which is junior, is unchanged. _My baby is still there_. The thought comes to my mind instantly and I know Christian sees him or her and is thinking the same thing. He squeezes my hand and presses a kiss to my temple.

"Try to relax Mrs. Grey," Dr. Greene urges, pressing her hand lightly to my belly. I breathe out slowly and close my eyes. She moves the wand around marginally and presses a few buttons on the machine.

"Is everything alright?" I ask looking back at the image of the baby growing inside of me.

"Everything still appears to be normal Mrs. Grey." She smiles a tight smile at me.

Now I look to Christian and he brings my hand to his mouth and kisses it. I feel a small tear trickle down from the corner of my right eye and run down the side of my cheek.

Dr. Greene removes the wand and clicks off the machine. After disposing of the lubed condom, she tells me I can get dressed.

When I emerge from the bathroom, she is sitting back on the stool and speaking with Christian.

"I would like to perform a blood test to check Mrs. Grey's HCG levels." She says and the peaceable calm that just washed over me turns to a feeling of dread instantaneously. Perhaps I am not in the clear as I thought I was. If Dr. Greene wants to do, more testing she must have reason for concern. I sit in the chair next to Christian and clasp my hands in my lap, desperately trying not to knot my fingers together. No distractions, I want, no I need to hear all of what the doctor is saying.

"The ultrasound appears to be perfectly normal and everything is right on track for four weeks gestation but a blood test will give us more detailed information. Given that you have had spotting and cramping Mrs. Grey I would strongly urge you to have this done." She finishes by turning in my direction to speak with me frankly.

"When will we have the results of the blood test?" Christian's eyes are locked on the doctors.

"Twenty four hours Mr. Grey. My office will contact you tomorrow once the results have come back. We will do another blood draw and test the level again forty-eight hours after the first test. This is to ensure your numbers are doubling as they should."

I feel like my head is swimming with all of this information. Different letters of the alphabet to make and acronym, numbers, numbers doubling, different hours, different blood tests, it all feels like too much to digest and I cannot wrap my head around any of it. Before I know it a nurse is sticking my arm with a needle to draw out the blood needed to perform the necessary tests. I barely feel anything. I feel numb and cold. Christian is talking with the nurse and I hear him demanding her, just like he did the doctor, to call with the results the moment they have them.

Thankfully, she maintains her cool even with his challenging demeanor. She must deal with anxious patients often but Christian can be a taxing individual in a league all his own. I thank her and lift my purse from where it is resting on the floor before exiting the room.

The warm spring breeze brushes against my face when I walk outside and it helps to pull me from the fog I feel myself drifting in. It is then that I remember Christian is beside me. I did not give much thought at all to his presence throughout most of the examine. I knew he was there and acknowledged him but worry for my unborn baby is first and foremost in my mind.

"Would you like to have lunch Ana?" He opens the passenger side door of the R8 for me and I shake my head 'no' as I climb in.

Without responding, he closes my door and walks around the rear of the car before opening his own door and folding his long legged frame inside. He starts the car and I see his hand pause, lingering over the key in the ignition.

"Ana, please let me take you out for lunch. You need to eat something. You barely touched your breakfast."

My stomach rumbles wanting me to agree with Christian but I just want to go home. "I will eat something at home Christian. Sitting in a restaurant is not something I want to do right now."

Tight lipped he nods at me and pulls the car out in to traffic. I know he is lost but so am I. I don't know how to help him find himself or the right words when I cannot find them myself right now. I want to cry, hit something, or scream at the top of my lungs. Or maybe I want to do all three at the same time. Why is this happening to me? Why is it happening to us? My pregnancy with Ted was not like this and I am confused now. Left feeling bereft by happiness, I only want the same joy I had before.

We are on I-5 heading north when I lose control and do everything I want to do.

"Ahhhhhh!" A piercing scream escapes from my body and I pound on the dash in front of me letting all of the pent up tears stream down my face. I must look like a mad woman but I don't care. I just want to yell and take my anger out on something or someone. My fists strike the dash of the car repeatedly. Over and over again I hit it as hard as I can until my hands and arms are sore from the strength of the impact. I always work to be so composed, wanting to be strong for Christian but I am losing what little of a grip I have on sanity.

As if he had been, anticipating my breakdown Christian calmly signals and pulls the car over to the side of the road. He never even flinches, maintaining complete control over his behavior.

The car comes to a stop and I feel two strong arms wrap around my torso. I am still swinging my arms when he pulls me over the console and onto his lap. Feebly I push on his chest and my body quakes as tremors of sobs break over me.

"Shhhhhh…" Christian is petting one hand over my hair. Starting at my scalp and tenderly caressing down to the ends of my locks. "Let it out baby. I've got you. I'm right here." He coos to me softly and it only makes me cry harder.

"It's not fair Christian!" I wail out to him and bury my face against his chest. Soaking his black t shirt with my tears.

The rushing wind from the cars passing us occasionally catches my attention and even parked on the side of the road I can feel it brush the R8 in a recurrent motion. I concentrate on that intermittent occurrence and use it along with Christian's soothing voice to calm me back down. Soon I am catching my breath and can feel my tears drying up. It leaves me exhausted and drained.

"I don't know what to do." I whisper and sniffle in an unladylike manner. Christian produces a white linen handkerchief and I use it to wipe my eyes first and then my nose. "I feel so lost and helpless."

"Ana…" He pulls my face away from his chest and cups my chin in between his thumb and forefinger. "The ultrasound was good, let us focus on that. Our little one is still nestled in your belly." He touches my belly with his other hand, squeezing it tenderly, reassuring me with his words and motions. I look in his eyes blankly. "You know that right?" He prompts me.

"Yes," I whisper and sniffle again. My body shudders with a sigh as my crying ceases.

"Good. Let's concentrate on that okay?"

"Okay."

"Good, that's my beautiful girl." He kisses my lips. "You're lips are so soft to kiss when you cry, but no more tears."

"Aren't you scared Christian?"

Deep gray pools peer at me and I see the truth in them before he speaks. "Nothing is more terrifying than something happening to you or our children Ana."

I lean back against his chest and wrap my arms around him. We sit enfolded in each other's embrace on the side of the interstate just outside of Seattle. Looking for reassurance from one another and needing it desperately. After what feels like hours I move back to my seat so that we can continue on our way home. We don't speak again until we arrive at home. There are no words to speak right now. We both feel a degree of solace but the sense of worry is still there. The unknown is a scary thing.


	11. Chapter 11

_A little happiness in this chapter to offer you ladies some relief. :)_

**"WALK TO MOMMY, TED." **Christian encourages our little boy to release his grasp he has on his forefinger. On wobbly legs, Teddy digs his bare toes in the plush carpet of the family room. Creasing his brow, I watch him stick his tongue out of his mouth, contemplating his next move.

"Come here Teddy, Mommy will catch you." I hold my arms out, beckoning him to walk in my direction. I am only a short distance from Christian. We are both sitting on the floor facing each other.

Spending the remainder of the day with our precious boy has helped to alleviate some of our earlier anxiety caused by my cramping, spotting and the need for blood tests. While those things are still weighing on my mind, I have chosen to push them back instead of giving them precedence in the forefront of my thoughts. A breeze floats through the lofty open windows and brushes over Ted's face. He makes an _o _with his lips and blows air out between them, mimicking the blowing wind. He is still holding tight to Christian though, unmoving from his spot.

I form an _o _with my lips and blow air out just like Ted. "Yes baby that is the wind." I blow again simulating the wind and he giggles in delight. "Walk to Mommy Ted. Come on my sweet boy." I make a grabbing motion with my fingers to encourage him.

Very slowly and with a great deal of care and precision, he peels his fingers from Christian's hand and lifts an unsteady foot. He holds it forward in the air and then places it back down on the floor, a little farther ahead than it was before.

"That's it son, you can do it." Christian moves both of his hands and holds them in the air on either side of Ted. He is not touching him, only spotting him in case he falls. Ted picks up his other foot and repeats the same cautious motion. "He's doing it Ana," Christian beams and I hear the excitement in his whispering tone. Not wanting to startle our son, he remains still and if I were not listening closely I would not have even heard his words.

Two more full steps and Teddy collapses in my arms. "You walked baby boy." I place a plethora of kisses all over his baby face and he laughs, brushing me away when he has had enough.

"Dada!" He squeals and much to Christian and I's amazement and delight, he grasps my finger to stand and cautiously takes the few steps back to Christian.

In the midst of his few steps, I reach for my camera and manage to snap a few pictures. They may not be his first steps but second steps are just as good, besides one happened directly after the other. For the past few weeks, I have kept my camera close to me each time we have encouraged our Teddy to take his first steps, this time my dedication to catching the moment has paid off.

"Did you get it?" Christian asks nodding in the direction of the camera in my hands as Teddy snuggles in his lap.

"I did," I beam back at him, "new pictures and a new milestone for his baby book." I muse, thinking aloud more to myself than to Christian. I close the lens on the camera and place it back on the coffee table.

The sound of the phone ringing interrupts my momentary trance. The ringing stops and Taylor enters the room.

"Mr. Grey I have Andrea on the line for you." He says holding the phone in his hand.

"Thank you Taylor, I will take the call in my study."

Taylor nods in confirmation and exits the doorway where he was standing between the family room and the kitchen. No doubt, he was in the kitchen with Gail as she is busy preparing dinner.

Christian stands and I rise to meet him and take Ted from his arms. "I won't be long baby."

"Okay," he kisses me before leaving the room. I prop Ted on my hip. "Shall we go change you baby boy?" He grins and kisses my cheek. I take that as a 'yes' and carry him upstairs to his nursery.

I leave Ted where he is playing with a toy truck on his nursery floor for only a second and dash in to my bedroom to answer my ringing cell phone. It is lying among the heap that is my purse and blue cardigan. Left where I tossed them earlier after coming home.

"Hello," I answer the phone hastily, trying to catch the call before it is missed.

"So you are still alive and on the face of the earth." The derisively chipper voice of my best friend declares. _Kate_…I smile. It has been over a week since last spoke, which is unheard of. She and Elliot have been so busy moving in to their new home that I supposed time just got away from us.

"I could say the same for you." I chide her back.

"I guess you could. We have been so busy around here but I think we are finally close to finished." She sighs and I can almost pictures her running her hand across her forehead while observing the condition of whatever room she is standing in. Of course, Kate and Elliot hired a moving company but if I know Kate, she has fussed over every single minute detail, probably driving the movers and Elliot close to sheer insanity. "Anyways," she continues on, "my move is not the reason I called. Have you heard from Jose?"

I shake my head as if she can see me. "No, should I have?" I ask walking back to the nursery where I find Ted crawling on the floor with his truck in hand. He is driving it all around the room. Every now and then, he stops and places a wooden alphabet block in the back of his truck, only to dump it out and replace it with a new one on his next stop. I sit in the rocking chair and blow a kiss to him. He grins at me then resumes his play.

"He called and said he had been trying to reach you."

I pull my phone away from ear and look at the screen. One missed call from Jose…two hours ago. "I have a missed call from him from earlier today."

Kate laughs, "He made it sound like he had been calling you for days. Leave it to Jose to be over dramatic." I laugh along with her. "Well, he called me and apparently he is heading an art show in Redding, California a couple weekends from now and would like for us to come."

Oh Jose, I am so proud of him. He has come so far and is really growing in to an influential artist on the west coast. I would love to go see his show but right now, my future days are so uncertain. My mind goes back to the doctor's appointment earlier. _Do not think like that,_ my subconscious whispers to me. She is fully aware of where my thoughts are going. I push the unpleasant musings aside and focus on the positive. Even then, it will be highly unlikely that Christian will let me out of his sight. I remember when I was pregnant with Ted, Ros wanted him to travel to New York for business, and he nearly bit her head off at her suggestion, refusing to leave my side while I was carrying his child.

Unfortunately, Kate catches my pause of silence and it incites her natural personality trait of over curiosity. Kate the journalist, always looking for a new story.

"Why the silence Grey?" She interjects without hesitation.

"I'm just not sure if I will be able to go. I need to check my calendar at work." I cringe the moment the words leave my mouth. Smooth Ana, why would you need to check your calendar at work? The art show is taking place over a weekend.

"At work? Hmmmm…Don't you mean you need to check with Christian? Don't tell me he's still not over the Jose thing. I thought he had put that in the past. They got along amicably at Elliot and I's wedding."

"That's not it at all Kate. Christian has grown past that." For the most part, I think to myself. I still don't think Christian will ever be incredibly thrilled at the idea of me spending time with Jose, but I don't tell Kate that.

"Well then what is it?"

I bite my bottom lip pondering my next words. Suddenly I want to tell somebody so bad. These past few days have been a rollercoaster of emotions and they have only been shared between Christian and I. I want the comfort of my best friend's ear and her shoulder to lean on. Throwing caution out the window, I blurt it out. "Kate, I'm pregnant."

She squeals and I think I hear her footsteps running frantically around her house or stomping in place, I'm not sure which. "I'm going to be an auntie again! I'm going to be an auntie again!"

Oh God, please tell me she is alone and Elliot is not with her. "Kate!" I call out to break her celebration.

"What?" She is still grinning I know it.

"Please tell me you are alone."

"Of course I'm alone. I wouldn't blurt this out to anyone. This is your news to share. I'm just so freaking happy for you!" I smile but it's a sad smile and she senses it. "What is it Ana?" She asks with a quiet tone of voice.

"Nothing…it's just that…"

"You're holding something back, you can tell me Ana. Is Christian not happy about the baby?"

"What? No! Oh God, no he is thrilled about the baby. He knew I was pregnant before I knew." Now I smile a happy smile remembering his words in the backyard and how he held my belly and me after I took the pregnancy test in our bathroom.

"Then what is it? There is something you're not telling me."

"It's just that…I've had spotting and cramping. Dr. Greene wanted to do some blood work. I had a test done today and will get the results tomorrow."

Kate is silent now. "That can be normal right?" She finally pipes up with a hopeful tone in her voice.

"I guess. It just feels different from my pregnancy with Ted."

"My mom told me that every pregnancy is different Ana. She was sick as a dog with me but felt like a million bucks when she was pregnant with Ethan."

Kate's optimistic outlook gives me encouragement. Maybe she is right. Please let her be right. If anything happens, it will break Christian. I know I can make it through it. It would not be easy and my heart would break but it would mend with time. I'm not sure if Christian's heart would recover easily though, if at all. He would find some way to blame himself and knowing that scares the hell out of me. Perhaps that is what I have been so worried about.

"You're right."

"Just take care of yourself Ana. We can decide about the art show later. Right now you have more important things to deal with."

I love my best friend. We talk for a few more minutes before hanging up. She tells me all about some new things she has bought for her house and how she cannot wait to host the Fourth of July at her new home this year. Leave it to Kate, it is only May and she is looking forward to her first party as a hostess in her new home. I know it will be outstanding though. If there is anything Kate knows how to do it is to throw a party. When our conversation is over my heart feels lighter. I pick up my baby boy who has crawled over and is standing in front of me, with his little hands placed on my knees.

"Let's go find Daddy."

"Dada!" He shrieks and I kiss his cheek. I cannot get enough smooches from his chubby baby cheeks.


	12. Chapter 12

_I want to make sure everyone knows this is not her pregnancy with phoebe. This is the pregnancy she lost in the prologue. The prologue was a foreshadowing of this event._

**IT IS ALMOST AS **if Teddy sees Christian before I do. He is struggling against me, wriggling with all of his might, wanting to be put down in the middle of the hallway. He is certain he can get to his daddy faster than I can carry him.

"Bbbbbbb…" He jibbers and I think his sound is a reflection of him propelling himself forward as he crawls down the hall.

Christian pauses, not closing his study door completely, when he sees and hears us coming. Crouching down he catches Ted and then stands to bring him high above his head before lowering him back down to blow kisses on his baby belly. Teddy is shrieking with shrill laughter and I join him when a dribble of drool streams out of his mouth, landing in Christian's eye.

Not giving any mind to it Christian only wipes his eye and continues with their game until Ted demands to be set down again. This time instead of crawling, he sits flat on his bottom and scoots down along the dark hardwood floors. He is wearing one of his simple green rompers and his cotton covered bottom moves easily on the smooth surface. He moves so easily that he is passing me and I have to turn around and follow him.

"Imagine what it will be like when he is confident enough to walk all the time." Christian says coming up behind me and stopping me long enough to take my hand with his.

"I will never be able to catch him." I shake my head and grin as Teddy turns around to flash a smile at us as if to tell us to come on and join him. I am able to scoop him up and carry him in the kitchen where Gail is putting the finishing touches on our dinner.

She places our plates of baked Mostaccioli and salad in front of us and gives Ted his very own little plate filled with the Mostaccioli and green peas. He claps his hands as if giving Mrs. Taylor a round of applause before digging in fingers first.

"Why thank you very much Teddy. I hope you enjoy your dinner." Gail answers him back and touches the top of his head with her hand. "Do you need anything else Mr. Grey?"

"No thank you, Mrs. Taylor. Enjoy your dinner."

"Thank you sir, you too." Gail removes her apron and hangs it on the hook near the refrigerator then leaves the room. It amazes me how formal Christian still is with her after all this time. I guess that is his personality though. I am much more informal with Gail but then that is my nature. I decide to ask him if he has had any news on his search for a housekeeper to help Gail.

"Yes, actually that is what took me so long in my office. The agency I decided to go through got back with me and they have several women, which they would like to send for us to interview. I told the gentleman I spoke with that I would be speaking with my wife and would then call him back." He takes a bite of his salad and helps Ted guide an askew noodle from his cheek to his mouth.

Wow. That is a lot to wrap my head around, interviewing new housekeepers. Just then I think I've got this being Mrs. Christian Grey thing down pat something new comes up and surprises me.

"Christian, I am sure anyone you choose would be fine."

"You are the lady of the house Mrs. Grey and besides, whoever we hire will be around our children as well. I would like your input in the matter."

He is right, I had not thought about that fact, and lady of the house that sounds so formal. "Okay, but you take the lead Mr. Grey. I don't know the first thing about hiring housekeepers."

"Deal Mrs. Grey."

"Dada nack." Teddy says turning our full attention to him. He is offering Christian one of his peas, holding it carefully between his thumb and finger.

"Mmmmm…such a yummy pea." Christian says after taking the vegetable in his mouth.

Teddy smiles and offers him another. "Mo?" He questions Christian, asking if he wants more.

"One more son and then you eat your food. Mrs. Taylor made it especially for you." He takes Ted's offered bite and Ted seems satisfied, happily going back to eating his dinner.

"What did Andrea need?" I prompt, taking a sip of my water.

"Andrea? Oh yes." He questions me as if he had already forgotten her phone call but immediately remembers. "Ros has a trip to Portland planned for early next week and was hoping I would accompany her. She had Andrea call to schedule me to join her."

"When are you going?" I feel my stomach drop but feel silly about it. It's not like Christian has never gone on a trip before.

"I'm not." He answers simply.

"Christian, don't worry about Ted and I. We will be fine. It can't be for too long anyways."

"It would only be two days but I'm not leaving you Ana."

"Christian…" I begin but he cuts me off.

"No and that's final." He sets his utensils down on the table and scoots his chair slightly so that he is facing me. Placing one his hands on my stomach he says, "I did not leave you when you were carrying Ted and I will not leave you now. There are far more important things than work and you are one of them, you and our babies." I look down at my salad and fix my gaze on a slice of tomato. He hooks a finger under my chin and raises it so that our gazes are locked. "So, there will be no more talk like that, understand?"

"Yes, sir." I bite my bottom lip and he leans in, gently tugging it free with his own teeth.

"Good, now eat your dinner."

I choose not to say anything about my conversation with Kate, yet. It doesn't really pertain right now. Christian and I can talk about it later. Besides, I'm pretty sure I know what his reaction will be and I'm not interested in handling his unnecessary jealous conduct right now.

**CLASPING TED'S HANDS IN** his Christian walks in our bedroom in a stooped over fashion. Patiently shuffling his feet as not to hurry our baby along as he walks in front of him, they enter our bedroom together. Teddy grins at me just and I clap my hands for him.

"Good job baby boy!" I applaud him for his efforts. He looks back down at his feet, carefully guiding them, one in front of the other.

"He has come to kiss you goodnight Mommy." Christian looks up giving me a full-blown smile.

They look so adorable together. Christian barefoot wearing his gray pajama pants and white t shirt. Teddy in his gray stripped cotton pajama bottoms and matching long sleeved shirt. I cannot wait to kiss them both and resist the urge to get out of bed myself to do just that.

Christian lifts Ted and places him beside me on the bed. I set my iPad down and Ted scurries in my lap, kissing my cheek the moment he is nestled among my crossed legs. "Mama, tiss." He says and kisses me again.

"Night night my sweet boy." I return his kiss and cuddle him to me. He smells of lavender soap, lotion, fresh laundry and the best scent of all, my baby boy.

"How are you feeling?" Christian rubs the small of my back where a dull ache has set in. He insisted on bathing Ted by himself while I took a warm bath, not wanting me to lift a finger.

"I'm good." I lean into his body slightly. Wanting to feel the comfort only, he can give me. Teddy is sucking on his finger as he lounges against my front and I know he will be asleep before too long. "I think our baby boy is ready for bed Daddy." I look down at my nodding Ted.

"You too Mommy." He takes Ted in his arms and stands. Holding Ted securely with one arm, he uses the other to pull the covers over me as I lay down. "I'll be back in a minute."

I nod and cover a yawn with my hand before turning over on my side. The minor cramping sensation is back along with the backache. A good night's sleep is what I need. I drift off before Christian returns from putting our son to bed. My slumber is restless though and even as I sleep I am aware of the discomfort my body is feeling. Dreams plague my mind and as much as I try desperately to grasp them and their content, my attempts are futile. All I know is that as the night wears on they grow more in to nightmares than happy dreams.

**THE BRIGHT MORNING SUN **greets me to a new day when I open my eyes. I rub them wishing I could have slept better and wanting to go back to sleep. It takes me a moment to realize Christian is missing from our vast bed. I reach for his side and it is still warm. I grab his empty pillow and pull it against my body, snuggling it and breathing in his scent.

I know where he has gone off to when I hear Ted's giggles coming down the hall. They pad slowly in to the room in the same position as they did last night, Christian behind a toddling Ted. I glance at the clock radio on the bedside table and it reads seven in the morning.

"You certainly are up early." I comment to my baby boy as he climbs on my bed with determination.

"He needed a change Mommy."

"Mama mmmmm…" Ted pats my chest wanting to nurse.

"Mommy is going to the bathroom and then she will nurse you Ted." I stroke his hair. The look of disapproval, which flashes across Christian's face, does not go unnoticed by me.

"Ana, I wish you wouldn't…."

"I feel okay today Christian, really. The cramps are better and I haven't had any more spotting since the other day."

He looks at me skeptically. "We'll see." He answers with pursed lips. I lean forward and kiss him.

"You look so cute when you're being obstinate Mr. Grey."

"Hmmmm…" He growls under his breath. "Go to the bathroom and then hurry back to your son and I."

I wince slightly when I stand, the cramps may be duller but the back pain is still prominent. A hot shower would feel nice.

"Ana?" Christian questions me, noticing my hesitation.

"It's nothing, just my back. It must be sore from being hunched over while walking with Ted." I wave him off and go in to the bathroom.

Standing in front of the mirror, I comb my fingers through the unruly mess that is my hair. I should not have gone to bed with wet hair and I definitely should have brushed it first. Reaching for a brown hair tie I lift my hands to tie it back in to a messy bun on top of my head when I feel a strange pop low in my belly. It hurts and I grasp the edge of the countertop to brace myself against the sharp pain.

Trepidation and fear floods through me and I rush over to the toilet, pulling my pants down so fast I nearly rip them. What I see when I do knocks the breath out of my lungs. Red. Blood. The logical part of my mind is gone. I am lost in a sea of wishes and hope. It's just spotting. I try to tell myself through my flooding tears. I wipe again and I again but the red never ceases. It is not pink. It is red. My baby…my baby is dying. The words echo loud in my head is if someone where shouting them through a megaphone. I need something. I need to do something.

Standing up I shed my pants and attempt to take off my panties when a piercing pain stretches across my abdomen. It forces me to sit on the floor beside the toilet. I scream a blood-curdling scream. I scream from the pain and from the loss, I know I am experiencing. I hold my belly, trying to alleviate throbbing, trying to hold on to the life Christian and I created together. The life I am losing.

Christian is beside me. He is gathering me up in his arms and I don't remember him coming in the bathroom. I feel like I need to say something to him.

"I'm bleeding." I state the obvious and I do not know if I'm talking to him or to myself. Trying to bring the reality that is mine to me. "I shouldn't be bleeding." My mind tries again to find reason but it fails. There is no reason. There is only this one fact right now. Our baby is gone. I begin shaking my head violently. The room is shifting on his axis, the entire world tilting and spinning. "No. No. No…I shouldn't be bleeding." I whisper and clutch to Christian as if my life depends on being in his arms.

I feel my body shuddering with tremors. My tears are soaking his white t shirt. My heart is empty. He says nothing, only holds me close and I feel his skin growing clammy and drenched with sweat beneath my fingers.


	13. Chapter 13

_I tried not to delay on posting this too long, I wanted to give you more ASAP. It's a little shorter than I'd like but like I said, I wanted to give you something more after the heartbreak of last chapter. _

The sound of Teddy crying pulls me back to the here and now. He is all alone in our bedroom and he's scared. I lift my face from Christian's chest and peer in to his desolate eyes. His face is ashen, his eyes an overcast steely gray.

"Christian, please go to Teddy." I beg him hoarsely.

He looks at the open bathroom door and then back at me. Struggling internally as to what he should do. I know he does not want to leave me but our baby needs him. _Our baby that is still alive._ My heart lurches in my throat, making my stomach roll and I want to heave from the sickness I feel.

"Please Christian. I don't want Ted to see me and he may get hurt if he tries to climb off the bed." I place my hand on his chest, pushing him away ever so slightly, urging him to go. He closes his eyes as if he is pain and nods subtly then rises from his knees and leaves the bathroom.

With shaky hands, I remove my panties, soaked crimson, and the rest of my clothes. The abrupt pain I felt earlier has turned in to continuous cramps, waves of pain coming one after another. I remember this kind of pain, it reminds me of the contractions I had before Ted was born. Fresh tears seep from my eyes and I wipe them away to keep my vision from blurring.

Wanting to feel some sort of relief, I leave my clothes in a rubicund heap and turn on the shower. The hot water will feel good and it will wash all of this away. I need to believe this.

I close my eyes and brace myself by placing my hands on the tile wall. Letting the water beat down in torrents against my back. It feels good and for a moment, I nearly forget what is happening until I feel another onslaught of pain. I cry out and open my eyes to see bright red swirling amongst the clear water, washing down the drain.

"Ana!" I hear Christian calling out for me frantically and I want to call back to him but my throat is swollen and closed. I cannot make a sound.

The glass door of the shower swings open, causing a sudden rush of air to sweep over me.

"We need to go to the hospital Ana." He turns the water off and that only makes me cry harder because I want its warmth.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. I stand feebly and bring myself to some form of composure. When I look at him, he is the embodiment of fear. He has no control over what is happening and it is tearing him apart.

"I've called the doctor, she will meet us at the emergency room."

I nod and step out into the large fluffy towel is holding for me. Once I am wrapped up he reaches for the fresh clothes he has laid out for me on the counter. Clean panties, sweat pants and a blue shirt. I look at them all and find myself not knowing where to begin. Christian bends down, reaches under the sink on my side of the vanity, and hands me a pad leftover from my postpartum bleeding.

"Do you need me to help you dress?" He asks quietly.

I tug my trembling bottom lip with my teeth and shake my head at him, telling him no. He walks out just as his cell phone begins to ring and I begin the tediously painful task of dressing.

**DR. GREENE IS WAITING **for us at the emergency room just as she said she would. I only have to sign in before I am escorted back. The next hour is a series of distorted events to me. The blood work from yesterday showed low levels. An ultrasound confirms that I am having a miscarriage. Our baby is no longer growing inside of me. She draws more blood to ensure my levels continue to drop. All the while Christian sits solemnly by my side, holding my hand, running his fingers across my forehead. He tries to comfort me.

I comply with the doctor's requests with nods and very few words. She sees no need for medical intervention and says my body will handle the miscarriage naturally. After handing Christian a script for pain medication, should I need it, she counsels me briefly on what to expect over the next few days and to tells me what symptoms I should call her if I begin experiencing. Finally, she asks me to come in for an exam in two weeks.

I can tell Christian is not happy with her choice for no medical intervention but I feel confident in Dr. Greene's recommendations and to be honest the intervention she was describing sounded horrific.

When the doctor is gone, a nurse comes in the room, a sympathetic smile on her face. "Mr. Grey, if you will come with me for a moment to fill out your wife's discharge papers." She is short with short curly hair, most of the color is gone from it being replaced by white. Her crinkled eyes are kind. "Do you need anything Mrs. Grey?"

"No, thank you." I try to return her smile, but it is useless.

"Please let me know if you do."

I want to thank her again but the nurse, Wanda; her nametag reads walks just outside of the door, giving Christian and I moment of privacy.

"I'll be right back baby." He brings our clasped hands to his mouth and presses his warm lips to my skin.

Once he is gone, I sit alone in the hospital room, staring at nothing but medical blue walls, fluorescent lights and stainless steel. In my hands, I fold and refold the pain medication script over and over again. Each time folding it in a different fashion until it is so creased you can barely read it. I feel numb. I feel nothing.

I hear a soft knock on the open door and look up to see Grace. She is dressed in her white coat, her hair pulled back in simple combs. I feel my face screw up and the sobs begin all over again. Without a word, she comes in and sits on the bed in front of me, enfolding me in her arms.

"There, there my sweet Ana," she croons and strokes my still slightly damp hair. I know I look a sight. My hair wet and barely combed and my face is so sore that I know it is raw from all of my crying. I'm not even sure I have actually stopped crying.

How does Grace know? I think to myself then I remember the Christian's phone ringing as he walked out of the bathroom at home to allow me to dress. Of course, he called his mom. I only wish it had been the happy phone call to invite them to lunch and share are blessed news with them. Instead, he called her to tell her our baby was dying. That thought causes my body to shudder even more.

Grace leans to the rolling table beside the bed and places the box of tissues in my lap. I take one and wipe my stinging cheeks.

"I won't say it will get better or tell you how sorry I am because you already know those things and there is no need in saying them. I will tell you that I am here for you though Ana, and I know what it is to lose a baby. The pain is indescribably, physically and emotionally. No one knows what you are feeling because they are not you. Only you know what you are feeling and how to feel. I love you and I will do anything I can to help you and Christian."

Grace's kind straightforward words surprise me. She knows what it is to lose a baby? It takes me a moment to realize the magnitude of what Grace has just told me. I look up at her quizzically and she grips my hands with hers.

"I lost three babies before Carrick and I began considering adoption." She nods confirming to me that I heard her right. Her own tears pool in her eyes. "The grief was unimaginable. I can tell you that it never goes away but the pain will lessen over time. You and Christian…" she pauses looking away briefly, as if she is searching for words. "Hold fast to each other, lean on your love for each other Ana. You will both need the comfort that only the other can provide to make it through this loss." She pulls me close in a hug again and holds me tightly. "If you need anything Ana…if you need to talk, if you need Teddy to stay with us…please just let me know."

"Thank you Grace." I squeeze her tightly back and inhale the sweet scent of her perfume.

The sound of Christian's shoes approaches and I see him standing in the doorway. Grace releases me but not before kissing my cheek. "I've got to go now. Please Ana, call me if you need me."

"I will," I sniffle and blow my nose with a fresh tissue. The others, fraying with tears are a crumpled mess in my fist.

Grace pats my hand and stands, walking to her son. To my surprise he grabs his mother in an embrace. I see her patting his back and rubbing soothing circles against his shoulder blades. I hear her whisper to him. "Take care of her Christian, take care of yourself. I love you."


	14. Chapter 14

**FOR THE THIRD DAY **in a row, we drive north out of Seattle to our home on the sound. This time we are not alone though and we are not in the R8. Christian and I are seated in the backseat of the SUV while Taylor drives. I wonder if he knows what has happened. What Christian and I have lost. Christian is not one for sharing his personal life with the people who work for him but Taylor and Gail must know by now…I find my thoughts trailing off into nothingness and brace myself for a wave of discomfort. Though the pain is still there it is easier to manage now, the intensity becoming lesser and lesser as time passes.

Adamantly I have refused the prescription Dr. Greene wrote for me. I can manage the physical pain, it is what I am feeling in my heart that I have doubts about. Closing my eyes, I breathe through the twinges until they have passed. I want this to be over. My heart is screaming at me, telling me all of this pain is for nothing because when it is over what will I have to show for it. Nothing. There will be no baby in my arms, no joy for Christian and I. My arms and Christian's arms will be empty and our hearts are broken.

Christian squeezes my hand, which is linked with his. I look over and he is staring out the window, lost in his own emotions, or maybe he is not feeling anything at all. I am not even sure I am feeling anything, only numbness consumes me now. Maybe numbness is good. Maybe it will help mask the anguish. Leaning my head against the window, I feel its coolness against my skin. The damp dreary weather fits what our day has become and I wonder if the man beside me who I love so much has considered the irony of it as well.

**TAYLOR STOPS THE VEHICLE **in front of our house and I realize that I don't remember even half of our trip home. A few words are passed between Taylor and Christian but they are unheard by me. I just want to get inside.

When I open the door, I hear the hysterical cries of my baby boy and my eyes well up with tears again. Christian is instantly on my heels and rushes past me to find Ted. I don't even see his face he is running so fast.

Gail's voice sounds from the family room. She is telling Christian Ted has refused his breakfast and lunch. He is hungry. I make my feet move as fast as they can, holding my sore abdomen as I go.

"Why in the hell didn't you call me?" Christian's hysterical voice booms through the house.

"Mr. Grey, you were with Mrs. Grey…." Gail begins and I get to the doorway in time to see Christian taking Ted from Gail's arms. There are tears in her eyes and she is beside herself.

"You let him cry!"

Gail's glossy eyes dart helplessly to mine. I open my mouth to speak but do not get a chance to. Taylor is behind me and interrupts Christian's outburst before he has the chance to take it any further.

"Mr. Grey." He says sternly clearing his throat to be sure he is heard. He stands still, straightening his posture; his hands are clasped in front of his body. Christian's eyes lock with Taylor's and an unspoken word passes between them.

I watch as Christian bows his head subtly before turning to Gail. "Please accept my apologies Mrs. Taylor."

"Yes sir, of course." She covers her mouth with her hand and walks past him, touching my still crying baby on the back before approaching me. "Mrs. Grey…Ana…" She whispers almost inaudibly. "Please, let me know if you need me."

"I will." She squeezes my arm.

Taylor puts his arm around his wife and together they leave the room. I am thankful Taylor came in when he did. In the midst of our devastation, Christian was unreasonably cruel to Gail and she did not deserve his wrath. I know when the fog has cleared he will see that but right now his thinking his too murky and clouded with grief, not allowing reason to have any part of molding his judgment.

With Gail and Taylor gone I finish walking to wear Christian is struggling to maintain ahold of our hysterical son. His face is blotched from screaming and his body is shaking. My sweet boy. What is left of my heart splits in two at the thought of how scared he must have been when Christian and I left in such an abrupt manner. In an instant, he was alone in our room, hearing my screams from the bathroom and then seeing his father cry and having to pass him to Gail quickly so we could leave…he is terrified and confused.

"Mama!" He bawls and reaches for me. I take him in my arms and cradle him to me.

"Shhhhh…Mommy's here Ted…Mommy and Daddy have you…you are safe…you are safe sweet boy." I whisper to him and stroke his fine copper curls.

His body shudders with a hiccup as his crying begins to cease. My cheeks are damp, his tears mixing with my own.

"He needs to eat." Christian places a hand on Ted's back and I feel our baby sigh against my chest. "Come."

Lying on my side in our bed with the muted light of a gray late afternoon sky infiltrating the room I press a kiss to the top of Ted's head. He is quiet. Nursing peaceably at my breast. His earlier fear long forgotten and gone, the only thing mattering to him now is that his parents are here, his tummy is full and he is loved. I let my fingertips trace the shaded swirling patterns on his brown shirt and it soothes him to sleep.

With his arms around me and his legs tangled with mine Christian is lying with his front pressed against my back. Every so often I feel him squeeze me gently, letting me know he is there. I know it though even without those gestures. His warm skin bathes me and his soft breathing tickles the back of my neck. I want to say something but the words are still lost. There are no words to comfort either one of us right now, only touch. Touch…contact…having him hold me and me holding him. It feels like enough right now. It is all we can give each other right now.

Ted's suckling slackens and I know he is drifted off to sleep. I shift my eyes down to see his are closed. The earlier red blotches which covered his face are fading his expression is serene. I watch him for what feels like forever until my eyes begin to close. I am so tired. I only want to sleep.

Just as slumber looms over me, not far in the distance I am startled I awake by six words, six dreadful words spoken by Christian in a voice barely above a whisper.

"I'm sorry I killed our baby."

It is as if a knife has been plunged in my back and is cutting me into. Tearing me in half straight down my spine. Hearing Christian blame himself hurts more than anything I have endured today.

"Christian," I whisper, tears streaming down my face. I want to stop crying, it stings. I wish my tears would dry up forever. I don't want them anymore.

I look down at our sleeping son and carefully take my nipple from his mouth. He makes a suckling motion and I give him his pacifier. He takes it and continues sleeping. I move, turning my body to face Christian when I feel him stop me by placing a firm hand at my hip.

"No Ana. Do not look at me. Do not try to convince me otherwise. It was me. It was my castigation to pay for my vile behavior when you became pregnant with Ted."

I want him to stop. I cannot take this any longer.

"I'm so sorry for what I did Ana."

Violent shudders take over his body and this time I turn and he doesn't stop me. This grown man before me is broken. I lost our child, the child I was carrying in my body but he lost our baby too. I prayed to God that Christian would not blame himself. The entire way to the hospital, I silently prayed because I knew what the outcome would be.

His gray gaze is desolate. He is lost in own barren land where he blames himself. Christian needs control and when he does not have it there must be a reason for it and to him our baby died because he was being punished.

I enfold him against my body and he clings to me like I am his lifeline.

"I am so sorry Anastasia. Dear God I am so sorry."

I hold him tighter, so tight I feel, as my bones will break. My muscles are tired and weak yet still I hold him. We will get through this. This darkness is only temporary. I know we will find the light again, that it will find us.

Christian cries until he is asleep. His breathing evening out and although I can still see the pain in his expression I know he is better. He needed to breakdown. He has been so strong for me. I sit up and lift Ted, positioning him between Christian and I. Our baby boy, the sunshine in both of our lives, I smile for the first time today and reach for Christian's hand. I place it on top of Ted's tummy and cover it with one of my own hands.

"I love you Christian Grey." I whisper even though I know he is asleep and does not hear me. His lips are parted to accommodate his gentle breathing and I marvel at his beauty. The same perfect features which are his he has passed on to our son and I know, someday soon he will pass them on to another child of ours.


	15. Chapter 15

Tap, tap, five tiny fingers pat the side of my face. I open my eyes and see Teddy's toothy grin smiling at me. He is wide-awake and still lying between Christian and I.

"Mama nack." He states simply.

Christian stirs, no doubt awakened by our son and his sleep gray eyes blink open. The room is darker than it was when I fell asleep and I wonder how long we have all been asleep. I watch his face and for a brief minute, his expression is peaceful, then the shudders come down and I know he is remembering all over again. Sleep brought him an ephemeral respite from reality but that fleeting lull has now been broken.

"Dada nack." Ted turns to Christian and repeats his request. He is obviously hungry. My sweet boy has only had my milk to drink today and that was not nearly enough to fill up his belly.

Gingerly I sit up in the bed, feeling each stretch and pull in my middle. The dull ache is still there. Mocking me, reminding me of what I have lost.

"Come with Mommy Ted, we will find you a snack."

Teddy crawls to the edge of the bed where I help him climb down. He holds on to the bed to support himself while he waits for me. Christian is still lying there motionless. If his eyes were not open, I would think he was still sleeping. His gray gaze is fixated on something though. At first I think he is watching me but on closer inspection, it appears that he is peering at an in adamant object in our room, I am not sure what it is though.

"Christian?" I call his name questioningly and his eyes shift to mine in a flash. "Are you coming downstairs with Ted and I?"

"Mama…mama…mama…" Teddy chants patting my knee, impatient that I am still sitting on the bed.

A rush of cold whooshes through my body, chilling me to the bone. It is not the temperature in the room which cools me but the detached countenance upon Christian's face.

"Our baby is dead." He says simply.

I swallow back the lump in my throat. "Yes."

Fresh tears fill his eyes. "I thought I had only dreamt it. For a second I thought it was only a nightmare that I had imagined." He states raucously before letting out a guttural groan, which causes the hair on the back of my neck to stand on end. He fists his hands in his hair and pulls so hard that I know it hurts.

"Christian please…" I beg him. Leaning over I touch his face, wanting so desperately to give him solace. In a swift motion, he grips my hand and pulls it away from his body.

"I cannot do this Anastasia." His voice is tortured and rough. He flings the covers back, nearly throwing them in my face and bursts out of the room. I hear his pounding footsteps going through the hall and down the stairs. Where is he going?

I look down to Ted and his bottom lip is trembling, puckered out in a pout, he starts to cry. "Dada…Mama…Dada…" He points his finger in the direction of our bedroom door.

The sound of the large, heavy front door slamming makes me jump. He has left me. Christian is gone and has left Ted and I alone. With shaking hands, I pick Ted up, put him back on the bed with me, and reach for the phone beside the bed.

"Three…six…zero…" I say every number in Grace and Carrick's phone number aloud to myself as I dial it. My mind is racing and my fingers can barely move on their own across the buttons adequately.

Grace picks up the phone on the second ring. "Christian is gone!" I scream hysterically in to the phone.

"Ana?"

"Yes, yes it's me. Christian is gone, Grace." My words feel like they are running together in a jumbled mess.

"Calm down love, breathe. Are you alone?" Even over the phone Graces placating tone calms me, helping me to gain my composure.

"Ted is with me. He's gone Grace." My voice breaks as I choke back tears.

"Where did he go Ana? Did he say where he was going?"

"No, I don't think he has his phone with him. He was sleeping. We were all sleeping and Ted woke up. When Christian woke up he remembered and he left."

It sounds like she moves her hand over the speaker of the phone and I think she is talking with someone in the background. "Carrick is calling Christian's cell right now dear. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"What about Ted is he alright?"

"He is hungry. I need to go feed him." My baby boy whimpers and crawls onto my lap. I hear Grace talking again in a hushed tone, this time I know she is talking with Carrick.

"I'm coming to you Ana. Carrick is taking care of Christian. I will be there soon. Give Teddy a snack and wait for me."

I nod as I listen to her instructions. She never said if Carrick spoke to Christian. I hold onto hope that he did and that he knows where he is and is going to him but in reality I know that is not the truth. Carrick is going to find his son. A million terrible scenarios play out in my mind, each one more horrific than the one before. Where has he gone? What if he is in an accident? I cannot live without him. Folding my hands in front of me I bow my head and pray for him to be kept safe. Ted needs his daddy and I need my husband, the other half of my being.

Ted is propped on my hip when I open the front door for Grace a short time later.

"Has Carrick found him?" I blurt out without even offering a welcome.

"He has Ana, Christian is at the apartment." She closes the door behind herself and removes her wet coat.

Instantly my frame sags with relief. Grace wraps her arms around me and hugs Ted and I both at the same time. I am thankful for the embrace as I am sure it is the only thing holding me upright at the moment. My knees feel like they will buckle, causing me to fall to the floor.

"Is he coming home?" I ask her next and she pulls back, giving me a small smile.

"Let's go sit down, shall we?" She rubs my back soothingly. I nod in agreement and follow her to the great room. I do not like the way she has evading my question. It makes me feel uneasy and it is then I know that Christian is not coming home right now.

"Where is Mrs. Taylor?" Grace asks looking around. She notices the house is empty except for Ted and I.

"When we got home Christian shouted at her. He was angry because Ted was crying and Gail had not called us. Taylor stopped him."

Grace and I sit on the loveseat facing the dark fireplace. Teddy squirms down and goes to snack on his bowl of cereal while playing with one of his trucks. Driving it back and forth on the table beside his bowl, he makes little noises to himself.

"He's not coming home is he?" I move my eyes from Ted to Grace.

"I don't know the answer to that dear. Carrick has called Flynn. They are both with Christian now."

"At Escala?"

"Yes."

I look back and Ted then at the large clock above the mantel. It is six o'clock in the evening. We should be sitting down to dinner right now but instead our family is split apart.

"Ana," Grace pats my hands. They are resting in my lap, knotted together tightly. "Why don't you go have a shower? I will stay with Ted and if Carrick or Christian calls I will come right up with the phone."

A warm shower sounds good. I am still bleeding though it is not as heavy as it was before. It is now reminiscent of a normal period. The pain is less too, at least the physical pain.

"Teddy and I will go in the kitchen and prepare something for dinner."

"I think I will have a shower." On shaky legs I stand up, food sounds good right now too. I am hungry. "Thank you Grace."

"You are very welcome my dear sweet girl."

In the bathroom, I peel off my clothes and leave them in a heap on the floor. I notice the ones from this morning are gone and know that Gail took care of them. There is not a trace of blood left in the bathroom. No tangible evidence of the loss of life has been left behind. The only thing left is the ethereal sensation of loss. An invisible lingering melancholy caused by the new life growing in my womb perishing from our lives forever.

I turn the taps until the water is as hot as I can stand it. My skin bursts bright red but I don't care. With soap and I sponge I scrub every inch of my skin clean and once the suds are rinsed away I do it again and again, wanting to wash away the memories of it all. The pain…the blood…the tears…the screaming…the hospital…Christian's words and the look of desolation on his face, I want it all gone. I never want to see, hear or feel it again.

When the water runs cold, I turn it off, step out on to the plush rug, and reach for a towel. I dry every drop of water from my body before dressing in fresh clothes. Looking at myself in the mirror, I see the paleness in my face, the dark circles under my bloodshot eyes and the skin on my cheeks chapped from crying. I reach for my moisturizer and apply a thick layer before going downstairs.

Grace is setting the table with two steaming bowls of soup and my stomach growls. Teddy is happily making a mess in his highchair, chattering to himself and to his carrots as he eats each one.

"Has he called?" I croak out.

"No dear, no one has called."

I sit down in my chair and feel my heart sink, hope draining out of it. Dutifully I pick up my spoon and begin to eat my soup. I eat so fast that I hardly even taste it. Grace serves me another bowl and I devour that one too. Rudely I do not even take the time to talk to her or Ted. I am ravenously hungry and am finishing my second corn muffin when I hear the front door open.

With my mouthful, I pause and look up at Grace, my eyes wide with question. My question is answered when I hear Carrick's voice followed by Christian's. He is home. Before I have the chance to stand from my chair I see Christian in the doorway, Carrick is standing behind him.

For an unnamed amount of time we just stare at each other, neither one of us knowing exactly what to say. Then in a few brisk steps, Christian is by my side. I turn my chair just as he falls to his knees and buries his face in my lap.

"Ana," I hear him gasp my name and his shoulders begin shaking with sobs. I run my fingers through his soft locks in a soothing motion.

Grace stands and lifts my messy son from his highchair. Teddy giggles at his grandma as she tickles his tummy. "I'll bathe him." She says softly and walks to Carrick. He puts his arm around her back and leans down to kiss first his grandson, then his wife.

Christian and I remain locked in our awkward embrace, both seeking comfort, but unsure of how we will acquire it. Together is the only answer. Together we will get through this, but not apart, never apart.


	16. Chapter 16

_**Thank you all for your reviews! I am so touched to know how much this story is moving you all. I am so sorry to bring many of you to tears but knowing that my writing has such an effect is amazing. I hope you all enjoy this chapter. **_

_****Extra note...With Thanksgiving approaching I am writing a Thanksgiving 2013 extra to post for you all. As promised it will be posted on the fanfic site as its own story and will NOT be posted in this story. So be sure you are following me as a writer and not just following this story, that way you will notified when I post the Thanksgiving extra. **_

When Christian lifts his head up from my lap, I observe his face. It looks to me much like my own did in the bathroom mirror. His leaden eyes are dull and the whites around them are bloodshot. The rims of his eyes are red and irritated from too much crying. I touch his face and feel the scratchy stubble beneath my fingers. His skin is parched, chafed. I lift my other hand to the other side of his face, allowing them both to caress the redness delicately. Hoping my touch provides succor to his soul.

"I'm so sorry I left you." He croaks out. I can tell his throat is raw and sore. The idea of how it got that way stabs at my heart. Imagining Christian crying and screaming, blaming himself for what happened rips me to shred. "I should never have left you and Ted." He drops his head to his chest, breaking mutual regard. Shaking his head back and forth, he repeats himself. "I should never have left you and Ted."

"Christian," I cup my hand under his chin and lift his face so that his eyes meet mine again. A motion he has done to me thousands of times when I have needed his reassurance. "You did what you had to do. You needed to get away, I get that."

His eyes pool, shining with fresh tears as they threaten to fall, "You should not be so forgiving of me Ana. I don't deserve it."

He tries to drop his head to my lap again but I hold fast to him, refusing to let him go back within himself. I must drag him from that dark place of despondency, the place where he is accusing himself and taking full responsibility for a tragedy, which was beyond our control.

"Our baby died Christian. No one is to blame for it. It just happened."

"Babies don't just die Ana. Everything happens for a reason and the reason our child was taken from us is because of me."

"Is that what Flynn told you?" I ask him becoming increasingly agitated with his self-loathing. I know this is his natural response but it has to stop.

He looks at me incredulously as if I have lost my mind. "No. How do you know I saw Flynn?"

"What did he tell you Christian?" I ignore his question and urge him to answer me.

He looks far off, forlorn, and grows unresponsive. He is replaying Flynn's words in his mind. Perhaps even thinking of things Carrick may have told him. I wonder if Carrick shared with him the same thing Grace did with me just before I checked out of this hospital this afternoon.

"Not to condemn myself for something that was beyond my control."

I want to ask him if he listened to Flynn, if he heard his words and understood what they meant but I don't. I know that will only serve to enflame my Fifty. He hates being spoken to like a child.

"I should have done something Ana. I should have been able to do something. Fuck! I feel so damn helpless!" His grip around my waist tightens slightly and I whimper which causes him to move his hands immediately. "Oh God, I hurt you."

"I'm fine Christian."

With strong yet soft hands, he strokes my sides, then my belly. "I'm so sorry baby."

I sit up straighter and square my shoulders. Steeling myself for what I am about to say. "Christian Grey I do not want to hear you apologize to me again, do you hear me?" He looks as though I've just slapped him. "You have nothing to apologize for."

"Ana…I…"

"I love you Christian and we have a beautiful little boy who needs us both. Please do not reject him by mourning the loss of our baby."

"I will never reject or abandon our son Anastasia." He is affronted by my words and for an instant I wish I could take them back. I wish I had never spoken them. They were too harsh. _He needed to hear them_, my subconscious looks at me firmly. She is right so I continue.

"He is a confused little boy right now Christian. His daddy left him and his mommy this afternoon and he did not understand why. He was so scared Christian because I was scared. Everything we do affects him."

"For Christ's sake, don't you think I know that?"

"Then act like it." I challenge him.

"I need time Ana. I just need time." He runs his hands through his hair clearly showing his exasperation and inner turmoil.

"Well I need you Christian. I lost the life I was carrying inside of me and it hurt like hell. It hurt physically and emotionally. It still hurts. I am lost and I will continue to be until I know you are by my side, taking this journey with me. We have to get through it and move past it because that is the only way."

I look away and let myself cry again. These tears are born not only from sadness but from frustration as well. I can feel Christian's thumbs stroking rhythmically over my empty belly. "I'm trying Ana."

I close my eyes and let the tears seep out of the corners of my eyes, running down the sides of my face where the skin is not quite so raw. Teddy's quiet whimpers sound from the hall and I know Grace is bringing him to me. I hear him jabbering, "Mama mmmmm…Mama…"

"I need to nurse Ted." I push my chair back a few inches and stand, leaving Christian kneeling in front of the empty chair. He is silent and remains frozen in place. I glance back at him from the doorway and see him still on his knees with his head bowed. _Give him time_, my subconscious urges me, _you've said what needed to be said now he needs time to digest it._

Teddy leans out from his grandma's arms when he sees me and I take him from her.

"How are you?" Grace asks. I know she is not really asking about me though, she is asking how things went between her son and I. I shrug my shoulders, not really knowing what to say. He's blaming himself and will not hear anything I have to say to the contrary. There is no need to tell her what she already knows, so I do not.

"Ana…" She begins. I stop from where I have begun walking up the stairs and turn back to her. "Would you like for Carrick and I to stay tonight? We can help with Ted so you can rest."

I wish I could tell her no and that Christian and I will be fine but I don't because I can't. I want to rest and having to care for Ted does not allow me that. "If you don't mind."

"Of course not. I will send Carrick for a few things."

"Thank you."

Grace smiles and turns around, walking in the direction of the kitchen. Perhaps she will speak with Christian and help him in a way that I obviously cannot right now. My little boy dressed in his fire engine pajamas yawns and rubs his sleepy gray eyes. "Tiss Mama." He presses a slobbery kiss to my cheek.

"Kiss Ted." I say and kiss him back.

**I AWAKE WITH THE **morning son filtering through our bedroom windows. The room is bright and I know it is late in the morning. I look down at my rumpled clothes and remember falling asleep with Ted lying beside me nursing at my breast. A fleeting feeling of panic courses through me when I realize he is not with me anymore but then I remember last night. Grace and Carrick stayed to help with Ted. Grace must have come found us and put him to bed.

I shift my body and reach for Christian's side of the bed only to discover it is empty and cold. Did he even sleep with me last night? A niggling feeling in my gut tells me the answer is no and I want to cry all over again. I am tired of crying, tired of feeling alone.

Deciding to go in search of Ted and Grace I move to sit up, it is then that I notice Christian slumped over sleeping in the overstuffed chair near the window. He's here, my heart leaps and for the first time in twenty-four hours, I feel a sprinkling of hope bloom in my chest.

As if he can feel my eyes on him, he stirs and lifts his head, blinking his vision in to focus. "You're awake," he stretches and gracefully unfolds his long body from the confines of the chair.

"Why are you sleeping in the chair?"

"It was late when I came upstairs, I didn't want to disturb you."

"You slept in here last night?"

"Yes." He answers me shortly and comes to join me on the bed. "I put Ted in his crib and then fell asleep in the chair. I've already been up with him. I helped Mom feed him breakfast and then came back up to you. I must have fallen back to sleep waiting for you to wake up."

The dawn of a new day seems to have lightened Christian's heart considerably. I want to ask him if he and Grace talked last night but for now, I leave that subject untouched. I just want to be with my husband right now.

"You're bleeding." He says and I look down at the bed to see a spot of red forming on the white linens beneath me.

I swing my legs over the side of the bed to go to the bathroom, how did I not feel myself bleeding this much, chastise myself, not wanting Christian to see the blood. It will only serve as a painful reminder to him. To my surprise, he stops me though, pulling on my hand gently. I sit and watch as he stands and lifts me in his arms. "Let me help you Ana." He looks deep in my eyes, seeing past them and in to my heart and soul.

"Okay," I reply softly. He has made a complete change from his delicate emotional state last night. This is a change I need.

In the bathroom, Christian undresses me patiently, lifting my shirt over my head and sliding my pants and panties down my body. I steady myself by holding on to his shoulders and step out of my pants one leg at a time. He discards the soiled garments to the floor and reaches for a wash towel in the basket beneath the sink. Running warm water over the towel, he wrings it out and crouches before me, washing the blood from my skin. I shiver at his touch and he places a kiss at each of my hipbones in turn.

When he is done, he stands and rinses out the towel before turning on the shower. I step in, grateful for the warm water, it soothes me now just as it did last night. Christian strips his clothes off until he is standing naked before me. Unmoving I watch him. He steps in the shower and joins me beneath the cleansing cascade of water.

"I need you Christian." I state feeling uncovered and vulnerable. Flashes of images from yesterday morning spin through my mind. The tears, the pain, the blood swirling down the drain; they all come rushing back to me.

Stepping forward Christian enfolds me in his strong embrace. I place my hands on his chest and turn my head so that I can feel the soft patch of hair on his chest against my cheek.

"I've got you baby." He gasps and I know he is crying so I let myself. I let my tears come. I let the water wash both of our tears away, ebbing away the agony that is threatening to consume us. He buries his face in my neck, tangling his long fingers in my hair. I do not say anything because right now there are no words to be said.


	17. Chapter 17

**Thank you all for your reviews. I hope you all enjoyed the extra Thanksgiving 2013 story I posted over the past two days. If you haven't read it yet, here is the link.**

** s/9881151/1/Thanksgiving-2013**

**Now on with this story!**

Just as patiently, as he undressed me Christian helps to dry my skin with a cottony towel until every last droplet of water is gone. Still naked and wet he is uncaring of his own self, assisting me to dress in fresh clothes. Only then, does he towel himself off quickly and dress. The bathroom is steamy and my clothes are sticking to my skin.

"Are you hungry?" He tosses our towels in the laundry basket. His eyes are dull, absent of brilliant. All signs of emotion are gone, leaving a lackluster despondency behind. He is lost. Being unable to control what is happening to us is tearing him apart.

"Not really." I see him close his eyes and I know he does not approve of me not eating. I ate so much last night though, right now all I want to do is rest. My body and mind are weary. "I need to see to Ted." I make to walk out of the room, desperately wanting to break the awkward silence.

"Mom and Dad are taking him to the zoo today."

Oh? I had no idea. For a fleeting moment, I want to be angry with them for taking my baby boy away from me without asking but I let the irrational thought go the second it enters my mind. Grace and Carrick are helping me, giving me a chance to rest and giving Christian and I the chance to be together.

"He'll want me to nurse him." I step forward again.

"Ana, he has had his breakfast and they are probably packing his bag right now. You can pump if you need to." Christian reaches out for my arm and I move away.

"I will go check his bag to be sure they have everything he needs." The sane part of my brain is urging me to be reasonable. Grace and Carrick have packed his bag many times, they know what to take for him and I know my little boy is going to have a wonderful day with his grandma and grandpa at the zoo.

"Stay here baby, lie down. I will check on Ted."

"For Christ's sake Christian I am not sick! I have lost a baby that is all." I turn on him and wrath engulfs me without warning. Hot tears sting behind my eyes. "Let me take care of the baby I still have!" I shout at him and storm out the door.

I do not make it far before I feel Christian wrapping his strong arms around me tightly. "Let me go!" I kick my feet behind me, attempting to kick his shins so that he will release me. My attempts are futile though as he picks me up off of the ground with easy and carries me to our bed. I am irate. My emotions are off balance and frenzied and I hate myself for behaving this way.

Christian does not release me once we are on the bed. He sits with his legs over the side, his feet resting on the floor, cradling me in his arms. I fist his white shirt in my hands gripping it as tightly as I can. My tears soak his shirt. He is rocking me, slowly moving back and forth.

"What…is…wrong…with…me…" I gasp out between sobs trying to bring my breathing back under control. "I…need…to…see…Ted…Christian…please…"

"Okay baby…okay…"

Once he is certain that I have calmed he moves me to sit beside him and stands to leave the room. I reach for the clean handkerchief lying on Christian's bedside table in a neatly folded square and wipe my eyes with it. I need to get rid of the evidence of my outburst.

Teddy is happily jabbering to Christian when they come in the room. He is already dressed with his light jacket on, all ready to go to the zoo.

"Mama!" He squeals and reaches for me.

"Hey there baby boy." I greet him and take him from Christian's arms. His cherub face is all smiles and he chatters on and on, earnestly telling me something. I stroke his face and hair, listening to whatever it is my baby boy wants to say to me.

"Have fun at the zoo with Grandma and Grandpa, Ted. Mommy will see you as soon as you get back." I kiss his cheek.

"Bye bye Mama." He waves to me when Christian lifts him back in his arms and I blow him kiss before waving to him too.

When they are gone from the room, I take a deep shuddering breath. I will use today to rest and take care of myself so that I can take care of my baby boy when he comes back home this evening. I want everything to return to normal. If I could only erase these last few days, erase the miscarriage or if the baby was not mean to be just erase the entire pregnancy all together, I would. Having it all disappear would be the easiest thing for me, but the memories are not going anywhere, not any time soon. They are staying with me and every time I close my eyes, the scene plays out in my mind and I experience it all over again.

Christian returns with a tray containing breakfast foods, a muffin, yogurt with granola, fresh fruit, oatmeal, a cup of tea and a glass of milk.

"I told you I wasn't hungry." I say as he sets the tray of food on the bed in front of me.

"I know but you need to eat." He is insistent and I can tell he is not going to waver on this subject matter, he never does.

I pick up the muffin and peel the paper off at a painstakingly slow pace before taking a small bite. It is apple and actually tastes good to me. With Christian watching I take another bite, followed by another and then another. Before too long I have finished the entire muffin and reach for the cup of hot tea. I make a face when I take the first sip, this is not my English breakfast tea.

"This is terrible, what is this?" I nearly spit out the sip in my mouth but somehow manage to swallow it down.

"Raspberry leaf tea, Mom bought it for you. She said it would help you."

I screw my face up again at the thought of taking another drink of this dreadful stuff, it is disgusting.

"Ana, please drink it." He pleads.

Not wanting to hurt Grace's feelings and knowing that Christian will not let up on me until I have drank the tea I drink it. Cringing I down it as fast as I can, I want get it over with quickly. After eating the muffin and drinking the cup of tea I am done.

Christian sets the tray aside, thankfully he chooses not to argue with me about eating more food. I think he is grateful I ate what I did. We sit together in an uncomfortable silence, both cross-legged on the bed facing each other. I look down at my hands, knotted in my lap and stifle a yawn. I am tired of sleeping but I am still so tired that I want to sleep more.

"Baby," Christian begins, causing me to look up at him. "I need to call work. I haven't spoken to anyone since yesterday."

"Are you going with Ros to Portland?" I ask, suddenly remembering the business trip she had scheduled for them for early next week.

"Of course not, I told you I was staying with you."

"You were staying with me because I was pregnant Christian, I am not anymore." Visibly he draws back as if I have just slapped him. Even though we both know the harsh reality we are living, hearing the words is not easy. They sting and cut like a knife.

"I am not leaving you." His voice and words are firm, unyielding and resolute.

My bottom lip trembles and I pull it between my teeth. Dammit, I want to stop crying.

"Anastasia do you hear me? I am not going anywhere." Christian lifts me off the bed and into his arms before lying down with me. I am cradled against him, my body conforming to his perfectly. Two pieces of a puzzle made for each other.

"What do you need baby? What can I do for you?" He whispers. His breath brushes my face.

"This is good Christian. This is enough." I tangle my legs in his and cling to him. I clutch him as if he is my lifeline. I have always been his but now I need him to be mine too.

"I don't know how to go on…I am unsure of what to do next." I begin rambling my idle thoughts, none of them coherent or making sense. They are merely words, prolix in my mind and escaping through my lips. "I want to feel normal again Christian. What do I do? How do I get there? How do I stop seeing it and feeling it all over again?" I know he does not possess any magical answers, there are none. "Your mom told me she went through this three times. How did she move past it? How can I ever not think of what we have lost?"

"I don't know baby." He answers with a bewildered tone in his voice. "Time. I think it just takes time." He rubs his hands over my back and my arms.

"Will you stay with me Christian? I don't have the strength to face this alone right now."

I shiver, feeling a chill on the inside. Christian pulls the blanket over our bodies to ward off the cold. "You will never be alone baby." I look up in his eyes and see his sincerity. With tender motions, he cups my face in both of his hands and kisses my lips. His lips are warm and pliant. The kiss is love being conveyed between both of us. He strokes his fingers under my eyes, wiping away the remnants of my fallen tears. "No more crying Ana, please. I cannot stand to see you cry."

I nod and reach my hands up, cupping his dear face too. "No more tears from you either."

"No more." He whispers and kisses me again. This time the kiss is deeper, passionate and us. I whimper. I need this. I need to find us and the passion that is ours. These two broken individuals are not who we are. We are stronger. We are much more together than we will ever be apart. "Sleep now baby. I will be right here when you wake up."

"Okay." I snuggle down against Christian and for the first time in days, I sleep soundly. I feel safe and free of worry. My heart still hurts for our loss but the pain is easier to bear now because we are together.


	18. Chapter 18

Christian's strong sure voice causes me to stir. He is talking on the phone somewhere near me. I shift my legs and they bump in to his, he is still in bed with me. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes roll over to see him, sitting upright in our bed with his back against the headboard he has his laptop in his lap and is talking on the phone. Listening closely to his conversation I deduce that he is speaking with Andrea.

I lie perfectly still, watching him. His brow is furrowed, his fingers occasionally typing something out as he listens to Andrea. I can just hear her voice but cannot make out what she is saying. Christian is unaware of my wakeful state.

"No Andrea, absolutely not…no…you can tell Ros she can either do it on her own or take Elgin with her I am not going to Portland next week."

There is no need for him to neglect his work. It is apparent to me that Ros feels very strongly about needing Christian to accompany her to Portland. I don't want to be in the way of his work. Meagerly I brush my hand over his thigh to let him know I am awake and aware of the conversation.

"Christian," My voice is soft, still drowsy.

He glances down at me. "Hold on a second Andrea," He covers the phone with his hand and holds it away from his face. "What is it baby? Do you need something?"

"Christian, if you need to go the Portland with Ros…"

"We are not revisiting this." He states adamantly.

"That is your job Christian." I try again. "Please do not put it on hold an account of me. I am fine. Gail is here with me, I can get Kate or Grace to be with me too if that would make you feel better. I don't want to get in the way of your work."

Scrutinizing my plea he stares in to my eyes. I can almost see his thoughts, his mind working through the situation. He is mulling it over, playing out the pros and cons. I know he does not want to leave me but the truth is that I will be fine. There is nothing left to worry about.

"I won't stay overnight. I will leave Monday morning and be back before nightfall. Mom or Kate must come over to help you with Ted so that Gail is free to do her housework." My bossy Fifty is back and I welcome his in charge attitude. It helps me to feel secure and cared for. The out of control emotional mess he was yesterday scared me. As much as his authoritarianism can drive me crazy, it also comforts me. I have come to depend on it and I need it.

"I understand."

Begrudgingly he brings the phone back to his ear and tells Andrea to begin scheduling he and Ros's trip down to Portland. His instructions are clipped and precise. He will be leaving in the morning and will return no later than five in the evening. I feel sorry for Andrea but she is use to his curt tone and terse ways. Resting the phone between his ear and shoulder he briskly types out what I assume is an email.

"I am sending you the revised agenda now Andrea…Please notify Ros of the change of plans…Yes, that is all…Goodbye."

Christian ends the phone call and closes his laptop all at once, placing them both on the floor beside our bed. "Come here." He beckons me, lying down and opening his arms wide. Without hesitation, I crawl in to his open embrace and let him hold me. "You constantly amaze me. You are so strong."

"I don't feel so strong." I rest my hands against his chest and find myself fiddling with my cuticles.

"One day at a time sweet girl."

"How are you so strong now when you were falling apart before my eyes yesterday?" My question is more of one of my own thoughts but I vocalize it aloud before even realizing what I'm doing.

He sighs, his chest moving as he draws in a breath and releases it. "I will never be able to express to you how sorry I am for my behavior." I open my mouth to speak but he silences me. Pulling back he peers in to my eyes and brushes his fingertips over my lips. "Let me finish…When my Dad told me about the children he and Mom lost before they adopted Elliot, Mia and I…I was in disbelief. My parents had never shared that private part of their married life with me…with any of their children. Elliot and Mia still do not know about it and I doubt they ever will, unless God forbid they go through the same tragedy, as we have had to endure. Dad told me he had to be the rock for my mother, the one to hold her up and help her to carry on. He said it was okay for me to falter and reminded me that I am human and entitled to weak moments, but at the end of it all my first obligation is to and the child we already have together. I knew that in my heart the entire time Anastasia," his sincerity is palpable. "You have to believe me."

"I do." I answer back, feeling that I need to say something to reassure him. I never once felt that his love for me was wavering. Christian closes his eyes and swallows hard at my words. His body visibly sags with relief. He needed to hear that from me.

"Lean on me Ana. I'm here for you baby."

"I'm here for you too Christian. We can lean on each other." He pulls me close and we embrace tightly. "Right now I'm hungry though. Do you think we could go down to the kitchen and find something to eat?"

When he looks at me again he is wearing a soft smile. "You know I love to feed you Mrs. Grey. Come."

"I need the bathroom first, then I will come down. You go ahead and prepare something."

Christian kisses me soundly before leaving the bedroom. Slowly the weight is being lifted from our shoulders. Slowly but surely things are improving.

**TEDDY'S JABBERING ECHOES THROUGH **the hall and I hear the front door closing. My baby boy is back at home. I move my feet from Christian's lap to the floor so I can walk to go meet him. Christian moves them back to where they were though, propped on the couch and recovers them with my favorite tartan blanket.

"You stay here with your feet up Mommy. I will go fetch our excited boy." He rests the newspaper he was reading on my knees and goes to find Ted.

"Dada!" Teddy's greeting to his father quickly blends in to a conversation between Christian and his parents. They are talking but I cannot make out any specifics.

Grace comes in the room a short time later holding a bright blue string in her hand. Attached to the other end of the string is a giant balloon in the shape of a brown bear. It is floating and bobbing about.

"Did he have a good time?" I ask her observing that she is also carrying a stuffed plush brown bear in her other arm.

"The best and of course Grandma and Grandpa indulged him a bit in the gift shop."

"Of course," I smile back at her. "Thank you for taking him Grace. I know he loved it."

"How are you feeling dear?" She ties the end of the balloon to one of Ted's many push toys and places the bear on his play mat, which is currently tucked in the corner of the room.

"Better."

She observes me for a second before beaming a heartfelt smile back at me. "Good." Grace sits in the chair opposite me and slips off her shoes. Her feet must be aching after chasing Ted around the zoo all day. I can only imagine what kind of go-getter my little ball of energy was.

I know she will respect her son and I's privacy and will not press me for any information that I do not wish to share, but I feel inclined to tell her more. "Christian and I talked. We talked a lot and we are working through this together."

"I am so glad to hear that Ana. Truly I am. You two hold fast to each other and to your love."

"We are, we will."

As if on cue, Teddy and Christian come in the room. Ted walking as fast as his unsteady legs with carry him is holding on to one of Christian's hands for support. "Mama…mama…mama" He chants and I reach my hands out for him.

"Come here baby boy."

He makes a quick detour to were his stuffed bear is lying and gingerly bends down to retrieve it. Though he wobbles slightly he is able to right himself and finish walking to the sofa where I am waiting for him.

"Roar!" He growls out his best bear roar and holds his toy up for me to see.

"I love your bear my little Teddy bear. He is adorable." With animated expressions I ooo and ah over Ted's brown bear. With Christian's help he clambers up in to my lap and lays his head on my chest, patting me in a reassuring gesture.

"Mama tiss…roar…mama…"

Christian and Grace are both watching the interaction between Ted and I, both wearing the same reverential expression upon their face. I kiss the top of Ted's head and he pats me again.

"Mama…mmmmmm…" He cuddles his little bear and grasps my shirt in his dexterous fingers. A yawn passes his lips.

"He never fell asleep in the car, too excited for his first trip to the zoo." Grace comments and stands. "I will let you both get him ready for his nap."

"Are you leaving?" Christian suddenly looks alarmed at being faced with the prospect of his parents going home.

Soothingly Grace rubs her hand up and down her son's arm. "Your father and I are only a phone call away. We will be back tomorrow if you need us. You need time with your family son." He nods but looks unsure of his mother's certainty. "I promise." She encourages then hugs him.

"I'll walk you out."

"No need, your Dad is waiting for me. You stay here with Ana and Ted."

Grace catches my eye just before she leaves the room and I mouth the words 'thank you' to her. She smiles and blows a kiss in my direction.

"Mama…mmmm…" Ted demands sleepily.

"He wants to nurse Mommy." Christian lifts my feet to sit, placing them back in my lap.

"Mama…"

I lift my shirt, offering Ted my nipple. He takes it and begins suckling immediately. With one hand he kneads my skin while rubbing the top of his head with the other. "He's soothing himself to sleep." I remark to Christian, who is looking on.

"He had a big day." Christian leans toward me and pulls the blanket up over Ted, tucking it around him and his teddy bear. "There." He whispers and picks back up his newspaper.

I close my eyes and let my head fall back to rest on the pillow behind me. With Ted nursing quietly at my breast while cuddling his new bear and Christian reading the newspaper with my feet in his lap I drift off to sleep. The late afternoon sun is setting over the sound and for now, our world is exquisite and peaceful.


	19. Chapter 19

_***I'm sorry I've been slow on getting this chapter posted. As some of you may know Gabriel's Redemption was released on Tuesday so I have been a bit busy with the Professor. ;) I love him. **_

_**I hope you all enjoy the new chapter!**_

**SATURDAY AND SUNDAY ARE **filled with a plenteous amount of rest. Christian is almost overly attentive to me but I do not complain. I will take overly attentive Christian over the lost and helpless Christian any day. Seeing him as battered and bruised as he has been is unsavory. I wish we could avoid ever feeling that kind of heartbreak again but I know that is an unattainable goal. Life is not always perfect, it is messy and flawed, but we have had more than our fair share of sadness lately. Each time I close my eyes I silently wish to myself for life to go easier on us, for at least a little while.

Christian has to work some, and when he is busy in his study, he ensures that Gail is able to help with Ted. Even though she is typically off on the weekends, she is more than happy to help. I hope I express my appreciation to her enough. Gail is the heart and soul of our household; she keeps everything working and somehow always makes it appear to be effortless.

**BY THE TIME MONDAY **morning arrives, Christian's demeanor slowly begins to evolve to one of disquiet nervousness. He is agitated and uneasy with everyone, everyone except me that is. The morning sun is barely peaking in our bedroom window and he is already showered and dressed in a navy twill suit.

Lying in bed with Ted snuggled against me I observe Christian's reflection in the standing full length mirror. He fusses with his cufflinks first, then his navy tie and finally fidgets with his color. He is gorgeous, deific even and I nearly swoon at his appearance. The suit is tailored perfectly to hug every contoured line on his body. His hair is mussed perfectly and I want to run my fingers through it. I know how soft it feels.

"You look wonderful Mr. Grey." I whisper softly, careful not to wake the slumbering baby at my side. He should still be in his crib and he would be if his daddy had not fetched him an hour ago. I don't protest though, I know Christian only wanted to hold his son and that knowledge warms my heart.

Christian comes to sit on the edge of the bed, taking my hands in his. "You promise me you will call me if you begin to feel ill."

"Christian, I am not bleeding like I was. It has almost stopped; please do not worry about me. Focus on your work and on getting back to Ted and I."

His eyes search mine, stress lines forming at the corners of them. "I spend my life worrying about you Anastasia."

"I know." I bring his hands to my mouth and kiss each of his knuckles. "Nearly five days have passed. I feel better every day."

"Mom will call you when she is on her way. She has to make her rounds at the hospital this morning then she will be here." He is rambling on, telling me information I already know. I don't interrupt him. He is not telling me for my benefit but for his own, I know this. "I love you Ana."

"And I you. Now, you should get going. You don't want to keep Ros or Taylor waiting."

"They can wait." He leans forward and kisses my lips. "You are always my first priority."

"Hurry back." I murmur against his lips and let him kiss me once more.

I slide back down and rest my head on my pillow. Teddy moves closer to my side in his sleep and Christian pulls the covers back up over both of us before kissing us both on our cheeks. "You two sleep well." He tells me and then he is gone. I fall back to sleep shortly after he is gone. Cradling the warm body of my little boy in my arms.

Grace takes Ted to play outside when she arrives. He has already had his lunch and his second wind of energy has found him, consuming him and making want nothing but play. She insists that I take a nap but I decline. I have spent too many hours in bed and want nothing more of it. Instead, I shed my pajamas in exchange for a pair of gray leggings and an oversized WSU sweatshirt and go outside to sit on the large stone patio. The late spring sun feels good against my skin. I sit in one the chairs and pull another near enough in front of me so that I can prop my feet on it. The bright yellow orb in the sky warms my bones and I let myself go languid in its presence.

Not very far away, I can hear the laughter of Ted. I imagine he has found a butterfly or bird to marvel at, he loves being outside. Only a week ago I was outside with him, exploring the wonders of nature when Christian arrived home to find us. It was then he knew I was pregnant with another child. My heart clenches remembering the nausea I experienced that day and how I had to leave work because of it. I find myself instantly wishing I could have it back. Wishing I could have back that glorious afternoon when Christian's eyes were so full of light and gazed upon me so lovingly.

I wipe away the few tears, which have escaped from my closed eyes and will myself not to think about the past, about our baby, about what we lost. I flex my hand over my now vacant belly. The pregnancy was unexpected so soon but it was a welcome event. Questions and doubt linger in my mind. Once again, I pour over the event, replaying it all, seeing every single moment again in vivid Technicolor. Was there ever a moment when I could have done something differently to change the outcome? Was there ever a moment when I could have saved my baby?

"Mrs. Grey," I hear Gail's voice and open my moist eyes to see her standing at the open French doors.

"Yes Gail," I scoot the chair in front of me back, placing my feet on the cool stones. I love the feel of the outdoors beneath my bare feet.

"I'm sorry to disturb you but I have Mr. Grey on the phone for you." She comes out on to the patio and hands me the phone.

"Thank you Gail." I take it from her hands and she smiles kindly before walking back inside. "Hello."

"Baby," His voice nearly sighs with relief when he hears me utter a single word. "How are you? Is Mom there with you?"

"She is here; she and Ted are out on a walk in the backyard." I look out and see them slowly making their way back to the house. Ted toddles along at a slow pace with his Grandma holding both of his hands. His digs his bare toes in the grass and giggles at the sensation.

"How are you?" He asks again.

"I'm fine." I wipe away the last few tears. I clear my throat to toughen up my voice, trying to hide that I have been crying.

"Ana, I can hear your tears." Christian whispers softly…he knows. I hope he is alone; I do not want anyone else hearing our conversation.

"I'm fine Christian really…I was…I'm sitting outside enjoying the warm sun."

"Ros and I are on our way back now. The flight should be a clear one, we are about to take off."

Christian is flying back from Portland in Charlie Tango. I no longer drown in dread when he flies in his helicopter. It has been so long since the crash and there is no one to threaten his safety now. The thought of Jose's art show comes to mind and I wonder if Christian and I can go together to the art show, flying in Charlie Tango. I don't want to say anything to Christian yet, but still I can hope.

"Be careful."

"I will baby, I will be home soon. No more tears beautiful girl."

I put on a brave smile for him and for me. "No more tears." I agree.

I hang up the phone feeling better for having spoken to Christian. Even over the phone and miles away from me he gives me strength. I dry my eyes with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. I said no more tears and intend to honor my word. I have barely hung up the phone call with Christian before the phone rings again, it is Kate.

She greets me with a bubbly expression and begins asking me if Grace is there playing with Teddy. Apparently, she has talked with Mia and Mia told her that Grace is with me. The almost one-sided conversation goes on and on with Kate telling me about a shopping trip she and Mia have planned for next week. Kate and Elliot are planning a trip to Barbados with Mia and Ethan during the first week of June. My contributions to the conversation are few as I only comment on their planned vacation when prompted and give short answers to questions she asks me.

Kate has no reason to believe that I am not pregnant anymore. The last time we talked, I was still pregnant. Why would she think any different unless I tell her? Part of me has no desire to rehash the loss of my baby but the other part of me is screaming to get it out. Internally I struggle with the two-sided battle, unable to let one side take precedence over the other.

Finished with her tale about herself Kate takes a breath before speaking again. "So, how are you feeling?" She takes a break from her monologue to ask about me.

I chew on my thumbnail, pausing to gather my thoughts. I decide to go for broke and bare everything. "I lost the baby." I nearly cringe at how blasé my tone of voice is. I sound so cold and callous, nonchalant about the situation.

Kate stutters, "You…you what? Oh my God Ana! When? Why didn't you call me?"

"There was nothing anyone could have done. It happened Thursday morning."

"Have you been to the doctor? Well, of course you've been to the doctor…Ana I don't know what to say. Do you need anything? What can I do to help you? Are you okay?" I instantly feel guilty for not calling my best friend, she is frantic.

"I'm okay Kate. Yes, we went to the hospital and saw Dr. Greene. It hasn't been easy but I'm doing better. I spent the weekend sleeping. Grace and Carrick have helped with Ted…I'm sorry I didn't call you…It's just…Oh Kate, I've been reliving it every time I close my eyes and I just don't want to experience it all again…I hope you understand." I add the last part in a quiet voice. My tears are threatening to fall again. I close my eyes and look up at the sky trying to force them back. The sound of Ted jabbering to Grace is getting closer and I know they will be on the patio soon.

"Oh Ana…" She whispers and I think she's crying. "Please, let me come see you tomorrow. I want to hug you so badly right now."

"Ted and I will be here." I try to smile.

"Then so will I."

"I will see you tomorrow. Teddy is coming up to where I am sitting, he is leading Grace."

"I will let you take care of him and yes, I will see you tomorrow."

We each say goodbye and I feel another bit of sadness etch away. Telling Kate has been therapeutic. Talking to her and just knowing that my best friend is here for me makes me feel worlds better. I will make it through this. I know it. I stand up and stretch my arms above my head, casting my face to bask in the bright sun. Letting hope course through my veins I go to meet my baby boy who is  
grinning at me as he totters in my direction.


	20. Chapter 20

Ted grasps my right hand and Grace's left hand as he walks between us. His steps are sure and calculated my little perfectionist, so much like his father. The doorbell rings just as we walk in to the house. Sawyer enters the great room carrying a huge bouquet of white and pink roses. Before I am able to remark on their beauty a deliveryman in a dark blue uniform follows behind him carrying two more vases, identical to the first.

"Mrs. Grey, you have a delivery." Sawyer says, stating the obvious. The young man in the uniform exits the room only to return two more times. Each time he is carrying two vases brimming with the same flowers, white and pink roses.

I cover my mouth and gasp in awe at their beauty. The great room nearly glows with their subtle splendor. I know whom they are from of course. They are my wedding flowers, they are from Christian.

"Thank you Sawyer."

"Shall I tip the young man Mrs. Grey?"

"Yes, please." Still gawking at the floral display, I cross the room to where my purse is stowed in the foyer coatroom. I reach in and retrieve several bills, only half paying attention to the amount of money before handing it to Sawyer. "Thank you." I tell him and turn to go back.

I pluck the card from one of the extravagant arrangements and read the distinguishable handwriting.

_My Ana,_

_I know it has been the custom that I send you_

_A single vase of flowers at the beginning of each week in May _

_To commemorate the month in which I first laid eyes on you._

_This time I sent you seven, for each day of this past week._

_No more tears my beautiful girl. _

_I will be home to hold you in my arms soon._

_Yours forever, Christian_

I try hard not to cry, not wanting to shed any more tears just like the card says but my attempt is in vain. The tears come anyway, but I smile through them. I love this man. My Fifty, his heart is so beautiful and it is mine forever.

"Mrs. Grey," I hear Sawyers tentative voice speaking. "Would you like me to move the flowers to another room in the house?"

I dash my tears away. "Please locate a vase of them in each room. Mrs. Taylor has vases you can use to break the large bouquets in to smaller ones." I touch the petals of one rose delicately and continue speaking mostly to myself. "I want to be surrounded by them. I want to see them in every room I walk in to."

"Very well ma'am." He nods and leaves the room.

I want to be surrounded by Christian's love, I think to myself. Will he ever stop spoiling me? _Of course, he won't_, my subconscious smiles at me. My inner goddess has stirred from her somnolent sadness and is swooning, _he loves you and he will never stop spoiling you,_ she winks in my direction. Light continues to seep its way back in to my life, this time it is in the form of a throng of pale pink and pure white roses.

**LEANING OVER TED'S CRIB **I press a kiss to the palm of my hand then caress the top of his head with that same hand.

"Sleep well my sweet baby boy." I whisper to him. He is already asleep though, tired from his day of play with his grandma.

Grace left shortly after Christian returned home, refusing our invitation for her to stay for dinner. In spite of my insistence that she stay she declined. Telling me once again that Christian and I need this time together to heal and be with our little family unit. Grace Trevelyan-Grey is one of the kindest and wisest women I know and I am so thankful to have her as my mother-in-law. There are not many women in the world who can honestly say they love the mother of their husband, I am not one of those women.

My baby boy is so lucky to have her as his grandmother too. She loves him unconditionally and the light in her eyes when they play together is inextinguishable. Ted's grandma has eyes only for him. She would have loved another grandchild…my thoughts begin to descend back to that dark place. I close my eyes and shake my head to clear it, refusing to go back there again.

I turn off Ted's lamp leaving only the insipid glow of his nightlight to bathe the room, that and the effervescent glow from the thousands of stars which dot the night sky. The view out of his nursery window is breathtaking and I take a moment to appreciate before going in search of Christian.

I find him in his study where he has been for much of the evening since he returned home. I know it is not how he wants to spend his evening but he is busy and appears exasperated with how he and Ros's trip to Portland went. At dinner, he was not interested in going in to detail. He only wanted to know how my day went and if I loved the flowers he sent to me.

The door is slightly ajar and I can see the light streaming out from under it. I push it open the rest of the way and Christian looks up at me from where he is sitting behind his desk. His laptop is open but he closes it quickly and stands, walking over to me.

"What are you working on?" I ask quizzically. He closed his laptop so abruptly when I walked in. I note the presence of our camera sitting on his desk beside his laptop but think nothing of it.

"Nothing, I'm finished now." He stands in front of me and gazes down into my eyes. I want to lean in to him, my body is suddenly tired. I remember Dr. Greene saying exhaustion is very common for women after a miscarriage. "You look exhausted baby." Christian reads my unspoken thoughts.

"I am."

He combs his fingers through my hair and tucks a stray strand behind my ear. "Come, let's put you to bed." Christian flips the light switch on the wall, darkening the room, and shuts the door behind us.

After a warm shower, I dress in a pair of comfy pajamas and slide in bed beside my husband. Gently Christian pulls me to him, my back resting against his front and spoons me. It does not go unnoticed by me that he is careful not to rest his arms around my middle. My heart stutters at the gesture, remembering how things are so different this Monday than they were last Monday.

"I called Dr. Greene's office today." He says suddenly, his voice cutting through the stillness of our night shrouded bedroom. "I've made an appointment for you to see her on Thursday."

I am taken back by this information. "Christian I have an appointment in less than two weeks."

"Two weeks is too long Ana." His voice is insistent. I can almost feel his stone gray stare boring a hole in to the back of my head.

"It is what the doctor recommended when we saw her in the hospital on Thursday."

"I know but I disagreed with her. Today I took care of it. We will see her this Thursday." At this moment, I know he is not a force to be reckoned with. A determined Christian Grey is a dynamism, which is not easily transformed.

"Have you spoken with Claire or Hannah?" I try for a change of subject, eager to move past anything leading to the matter of our loss.

"Andrea touched base with them today. They have been instructed to pass along any and all of your workload to the editing department until you return to work. I will stop in tomorrow to ensure that things are being handled properly."

"I have confidence in Claire, Hannah and all of my employees."

"I concur. I would still feel more secure if I stopped in myself."

"Thank you." I pause, "I know you are taking on a good deal of extra work Christian."

"It is for you Ana. I would do anything for you." He presses a kiss to the nape of my neck and I push my body back against his lightly, needing to feel his closeness. "Sleep now beautiful girl."

I yawn and want to say more but don't. My exhaustion takes over and soon I am drifting on the edge of consciousness. Safe and warm in the arms of my husband I fall asleep, believing that tomorrow will bring us farther out of the darkness and even further in to the light.

Blinking my eyes open I turn over to find Christian's side of the bed empty. I reach my hand out to touch the sheets and feel that they are cold. He has been up for some time it appears. Deciding to find him I get out of bed and use the bathroom before going downstairs.

Christian is sitting at the table having a cup of coffee, our little boy is beside him in his highchair munching on a muffin and banana slices.

"Mama!" Ted points a slimy finger in my direction to announce my entrance in to the kitchen.

"Good morning Mommy." Christian folds the paper he was reading and lays it down on the table in front of him.

"Nana!" Teddy holds up a slice of banana before shoving it in his mouth.

"Good morning Mrs. Grey, did you sleep well?" Gail is busy over at the stove preparing breakfast.

"I did Gail, thank you." I answer her taking my seat beside Christian. Gail brings me a glass of orange juice, which I drink quickly. My throat feels parched and the ice-cold sweetness feels good.

Gail places Christian and I's breakfast plates in front of us and I frown down at the food on my plate. It is not my usual granola and yogurt but instead there is an omelet that appears to be stuffed with spinach and cheese. On the side of the plate is a bran muffin and dried apricots.

"Is everything okay Mrs. Grey?" Gail notes my confused expression.

"Everything is fine Gail, it's just that…this isn't what I usually have for breakfast."

"Oh…Mr. Grey…" She begins to explain but is interrupted by the man sitting next to me.

"I have been doing some reading and you should be consuming foods high in iron. I asked Mrs. Taylor to prepare this breakfast for you. The spinach, bran and apricots are good for you." Bossy and controlling Fifty is definitely in full force today. I thought the news of his interference with the scheduling of my doctor's appointment was regulatory, but this…I know he is only looking out for me though.

Looking at him I can see the concern in his expression. I take his hand in mine and squeeze it. "Thank you Christian." His face relaxes.

"You're welcome baby."

I eat my breakfast, which is surprisingly delicious. I must remember to ask Gail to serve it more often as I really enjoy it.

"I am meeting with Flynn today." Christian tells me once he has finished his usual breakfast of an omelet and fresh fruit. "The appointment is at four o'clock and I will be home after."

I swallow my last bite of muffin and notice the satisfied smile on Christian's face when he glances down at my empty plate. I want to shake my head but I don't. "Ted and I will be here waiting for you. Kate is coming today to see me."

"Good, please allow he to help you with Ted and let Mrs. Taylor help you as well. I want you to rest baby."

"I know Christian but I am tired of resting." I realize I sound like a whiny child and stop myself. I cannot stand whining so why am I doing it?

"Just rest Ana, okay?"

"I will." I decide to agree with him.

Christian stands and leans down to kiss me chastely before kissing our little boys messy cheek. "Take care of Mommy, Ted." He tells him and Teddy jabbers, no doubt talking about his yummy muffin and banana which he has now smooshed all over his highchair tray.


	21. Chapter 21

"Are you finished with your breakfast?" I ask my messy little boy. He waves his two hands in front of his body, twisting them at the wrists slightly to show me the baby sign for 'all done.' Gail has been working with him and she catches him demonstrating his knowledge out of the corner of her eye.

"He is such a smart boy, Ana." She beams with pride.

"He has a good teacher, Gail." I think I see her blush; she loves my baby boy and is always proud of his accomplishments.

"Let me pick him up," Gail rushes over from the sink, drying her hands quickly, when she sees Ted reaching his arms out for me to lift him.

"I can take him from his highchair. I am feeling much better today."

"Mr. Grey gave explicit instructions that you should not overdo it. Please allow me to lift Ted for you."

Chastened by her directives I step back and give her room. Of course, my controlling Fifty gave Gail explicit instructions. He is only looking out for you, I tell myself and know I have no right to be snippy with his over cautiousness.

Gail wipes Ted's hands and face down with a cloth before picking him up. "Would you like for me to bathe him?"

"No, he and I will go in the family room. It will be a few hours before Kate arrives. I can call you when I am ready to have a shower." Gail nods satisfied with my concurrence to accept her help. Ted wriggles in her arms and she gently places him on the floor where he immediately assumes his crawling position and takes off like a bullet. "I will catch up with him." I assure Gail.

She looks at me skeptically. "He is rather fast."

"He will come with me." I assure her, not wanting to take her away from her work in the kitchen.

Teddy is crawling down the hall and when I call his name, he turns and grins at me before resuming his speedy travels. I laugh because his sunny grin is dazzlingly contagious.

"Where do you think you are going young man?" He keeps going, enjoying his game. Teddy crawls right in to Christian's study and I follow him. Christian closed this door when we left the room last night…why is it open now. Deciding Gail must have already been in her to clean I discard my mysterious musings. Once he is in the room, he stops and sits on his bottom. He looks behind him and flashes me a toothy smile.

"You little speedy man, Mommy finally caught up with you." I come to stand beside him and he reaches his hands up to me. "Stand up with Mommy." He takes my offered hands and uses them to pull himself up. He is an inextinguishable source of energy. Whenever I think he has tired himself, out he gets another burst of get-up-and-go and he is off again.

Just as I turn with Ted to exit the study, my eyes flit over to Christian's desk. The camera is still on his desk next to his laptop. I don't know why but a sense of curiosity tugs at me, refusing to allow me to leave the room without further inspection. I'm not sure what I am looking for or expecting to find but a nagging feeling will not let go of me.

"Wait right here for Mommy, Ted." I tell my little boy and help him to sit back down on the floor. He watches me with wide eyes, observing my actions.

I pick up the camera and flip it over in my hands; I pop open the memory card slot and see the card is missing. Why would it be missing? The only logical explanation is that Christian must have it in his laptop. I glance up from the desk and see Ted still sitting on the floor watching me.

"Just one more minute baby." I hold up a single finger to signify one minute as though Ted truly understands what I mean. I want to roll my eyes at the silliness but my little boy grins happily at me. A little dribble of drool slips from his mouth.

I press the power button Christian's laptop and it comes to life. Quickly I type in his password and watch as the screen appears. Instantly tears form in my eyes and my throat goes dry. On the screen is a picture of me, sleeping in our bed. I am lying on my back with my hair strewn messily over my pillow. My hands are resting on my belly and on top of my two hands rest one of Christians. I look at the date and see the picture was taken last Monday night. My heart wrenches even tighter as I click through the remaining pictures. A picture of my positive pregnancy test appears nestled among what I think are about ten pictures of me sleeping. The hardest one to see is the picture Christian took of himself kissing my bare belly. I cover my mouth with my hand to stifle a sob as realization dawns over me.

This is what Christian was looking at last night when I came in here. For the past three days, I have been recuperating not only physically but also emotionally. With Christian's help and love, I have been becoming stronger. All this time I believed that Christian was making the same upward journey with me. Now I know he is still hurting. He is hurting so deeply and he has been hiding it from me to spare me, to help me heal even though he is not healing himself.

Quickly I close the laptop and leave everything the way I found it, not wanting Christian to think I have been snooping. Does he not need my help though? He is going to see Flynn today, which is something. It is good. Surely, it will help him and prove to be remedial. He is my husband though and right now, I want nothing more than to hold him in my arms and chase all of his heartbreak away.

"Ana," Gail's voice calls down the hallway.

"I'm in here Gail." I call back to her. "Come on Ted. Let's go find Mrs. Taylor." Teddy takes my hands again and slowly we make our way out of the room. My mind is working a mile a minute, trying to formulate a plan. I know what I want to do. I know what I should do. They are two very different things, I am trying to force myself to think with my head, and not my heart but my heart is winning the battle.

"Mrs. Grey are you alright?"

"Gail, I need you to watch Ted for me."

"Of course."

"I will be back as soon as I can."

"Where are you going?" Gail's tone of voice takes on a sense of urgency as she begins to understand that I am not just going upstairs or in to the other room.

"I need to go to Christian, Gail. I promise I will be home soon."

"Mrs. Grey, please…Mr. Grey would not want you to leave the house or to drive." I know she is speaking logically and that I am running the risk of infuriating Christian but I don't care. I need to go to him.

"I have to. Please, will you take care of Ted?"

She gives me a reprimanding stare and then nods. "Yes, ma'am. Will you be taking Sawyer with you?"

I stop and think. I want to be alone but should ask Sawyer to drive me. Christian is already going to freak out when he sees me, he may be less upset if I have not come to him by myself.

**SAWYER STOPS THE SAAB **in front of Grey Enterprises. I open the door when the car comes to a halt without looking back. Briefly, I wonder if Christian is even here right now as I remember that he was planning to go by my work today. I decide the odds are in my favor and choose to go in. I open the heavy glass doors and walk past the sandstone desk, I have not needed a security pass to enter Grey House since Christian and I were married. I walk to the last elevator on the right, which is already open as three people get off and two more get on.

"What floor Miss?" An older gentleman with salt and pepper hair and kind blue eyes smiles at me, his finger hovering over the buttons.

"Twentieth please." I answer him and feel self-conscious looking down at my blue jeans, sneakers and WSU sweatshirt that has recently become my favorite piece of comfort clothing. I am underdressed to say the least in my frumpy attire. It must be evident to the two men who I am riding with that I do not work here. I am grateful when the doors open to my floor and I am able to get off. The two polite men bid me a good day and I wish them the same. My stomach is flip-flopping as I second-guess my choice to come to Christian, and then there is Kate. Kate, I forgot to call her. She will be arriving at my house soon. I am a terrible friend for running out on her.

Suddenly I am regretting my rash decision to leave home. I turn on my heel to leave, retreating to the elevator when I stop. I feel his presence before he speaks my name.

"Anastasia?" Slowly I turn to face him. "Baby, what are you doing here? What is wrong? Are you okay? Is something wrong with Ted?" Christian's voice is panicked and the woman he was walking with is now watching us. Christian runs his hands up and down my arms as if he is checking me for injuries.

"Christian…I…I'm okay…Ted is okay."

"Then what is it? How did you get here?"

"Sawyer drove me."

"Why?"

His concern takes me off guard because I was expecting him to be angry with me for leaving home. I don't know what to make of his response. With my hands in front of my body I look down at them and twist my fingers together.

"Lauren, please go in the conference room. Ros is waiting there, tell her I am busy and will be there soon." He speaks to the red haired woman who he had been walking with. She looks on bewildered and leaves, carrying a stack of papers in her hands. "Come on baby." Christian takes my arm and leads me in to this office.

He closes the door behind us and locks it, leading me over to sit on the couch. I tuck one foot under my body and gaze out the expansive windows at the Seattle skyline. We are so high up, the sky is the blues of blues and only a few wispy feathers of white clouds stretch across it. They look like perfect writing plumes.

"Ana?" Christian takes my hand in his, his voice is gentle and probing.

Giving up my initial thought to keep what I saw on his laptop a secret I blurt out my confession. "Christian I saw what was on your laptop." For a second he stares at me, trying to understand what I am referring to. I see it when he realizes what I know.

"Is that why you came here?" He asks. His tone of voice changing from calm, concern is now tinged with irascibility.

"I thought you were healing Christian." My internal thoughts spill out. "Then I saw the pictures and I realized you were still hurting. Christian please…if you are hurting please tell me."

"Anastasia this is neither the time nor the place to discuss this." He cuts me off.

"When I know you are hurting and hiding it from me I cannot wait until a time of better choosing. I love you. I'm worried about you." Oh no, tears are threatening. I squeeze my eyes closed, trying to keep them at bay.

"Is Sawyer waiting for you?"

"Yes? What? Why?"

"Because you are going home."

"Christian please do not shut me out!" I demand but he ignores my plea.

He walks to his desk where he picks up the phone. I assume he is dialing Sawyer and it is confirmed when I hear him speaking to the person on the other end. Once the brief conversation is over, he looks back to me. "Sawyer is waiting for you. I will escort you back down to the car."

My bottom lip trembles. I have been a fool, a damned fool for coming her. Christian is at work and I am making a scene. I bury my face in my hands, embarrassed by the spectacle that is me. "I am so sorry Christian. Dammit I don't know what is wrong with me!" Now I am angry with myself.

He sits down and pulls me in his lap suddenly, enfolding me in his arms. "Shhhhh…baby…shhhh…" He croons, stroking my hair. I choke back sobs and melt in his arms. "This is not the place Ana. We can talk when I get home. I have to see to this meeting right now. I want nothing more than to be with you." He is rocking me gently and I am thankful for the change in his demeanor. Just when I think things have gotten easier it becomes clear that they have not.

I fist my hands against his dark blue suit jacket, clinging to him. I feel like a child being held and soothed. The irony is I feel as though I am acting like an immature child too. Internally I scold myself for my behavior.


	22. Chapter 22

******I had one reader comment that this is where other fanfics usually have Christian cheating. I cannot stress enough that cheating will NEVER happen in one of my stories. Enjoy this new chapter. :)**

Christian is right. I should have waited to talk with him when he arrived back at home tonight. I take the white handkerchief from his lapel pocket and unfold the perfect triangle, marveling at how crisp the creased lines in it are. Lifting my head from his chest, I dry my eyes and wipe my nose. My body shudders as my sobbing ceases. I feel like a blubbering mess of emotions and wish I could get ahold of my reactions.

"I'm sorry." I breathe out the words, still attempting to calm my crying. I look up at Christian and his head is slightly angled, his glare fixed on the expansive windows behind the couch. Just a glimpse at him tells me he and his thoughts are a thousand miles away. What I wouldn't give to be able to look inside of his contemplations and see what he is thinking. "Christian…" I touch my fingers against his white shirt, timidly. "What are you thinking?"

When he looks back at me, I see pain piercing through his gray eyes. I know he is carefully considering his next words and what he wants to share with me. In a deliberate move I slide my hand to the right slightly, coming to rest over his heart. Even through his shirt, I can feel the steady tattoo beating. I press my hand firmly, wanting him to feel my touch.

"Tell me," I plead with him softly, returning his intense stare.

"Ana…" He hesitates and his voice cracks. "I don't know what to say."

"Whatever you feel Christian. I know you are still hurting. Please, heal with me. Talk with me."

He presses his lips in a firm thin line. "I can't."

That simple statement lances pain through my heart. "Why not?" I sob out the words.

"Baby, please go home. Give me time to see Flynn this afternoon. I need time to…" He pauses and waves his hand through the air as if to emphasize his point, "time to sort things out."

I take in his words and realize that what he is asking for his not an unreasonable request. I can do this for him. I can give him a few more hours and allow him to talk with Flynn. Flynn is good for him, I know he can help Christian. I cannot help but feel helpless though, knowing that someone else can help my husband in a way that I cannot is killing me. I urge myself to let my desirous feelings go. I let them go for my husband in the hope that he will soon be able to talk with me.

"I can do that because I love you." I touch my other hand to his cheek, feeling how smooth his freshly shaven skin is. I inhale his unique Christian scent deeply. Even hours after his morning shower I can still smell his body wash.

"And I you Mrs. Grey." He tucks my hair behind my ear and kisses the tip of my nose. "Come, Sawyer is waiting to take you home."

I leave Grey House conflicted. On one hand, Christian and I talked but on the other hand, we didn't. We are in a stagnant place and I yearn for us to move forward from the cloak of numbness, which has befallen us. Darkness is lingering just on the fringes surrounding us, we are dancing in the shadows, on the edge of light.

I curl up in the backseat of the car on the way home; with my back to the door and my feet on the seat, I hug my knees to my chest. Sawyer says nothing to me and I welcome his silence. I know Christian would scold me for not wearing my seatbelt but at the moment, I don't care. I let my head fall to rest on the cool window behind me and reach down to where my purse is sitting on the floor. I search around in it with my hand until I find my cell phone. Checking the time, I know Kate should not be at my house yet. I dial her number and wait for her to pick up.

"I'm running late but I'm on my way now." Kate says, not even bothering to say hello.

"Don't bother coming." I mumble turning my head to the side. Through the back windshield, I watch the cars following behind us on the interstate.

"What? Why not?" I hear what I assume is the sound of her car chiming as she puts her key in the ignition and starts the engine.

"I'm just not in the mood for company."

"I told you yesterday Grey, I'm coming to see you. Now, I'm on my way whether you like it or not." She answers my somber words with her natural determination.

"I…Kate…I just want to be alone. Please believe me I am not trying to hurt your feelings." I want to go home, curl up in my bed, and nurse my wounds. Everything feels so numb and raw right now. Being with people is the last thing I want. I know it sounds unreasonable but a sense of rejection is hanging over me, refusing to leave me alone.

Kate lets out a sigh and I hear the chime again, she has turned off her car, she's not coming. My stomach falls…_this is what you wanted,_ my subconscious reminds me. _This is what you asked of her, you told her not to come. _ She is right. "I am so worried about you Ana."

"I will be fine Kate really. I just don't feel well and I want to go to bed." I try to insert a hint of courage in to my tone.

"I don't believe you." She declares knowing full and well that I am lying to her. "Call me later?"

"I will." I hit end and disconnect the call. Sawyer cannot get me home fast enough. I want away from the outside world as quickly as possible.

Weary and mentally tired I drag my body through the front door and in to a quiet house. Busy with her work Gail is coming down the stairs with an empty laundry basket in her hands.

"Where is Teddy?" I ask her immediately wondering if my boy has already been put down for his afternoon nap.

"He just went down ma'am." She gives me a tight smile. No doubt the mystery of where I have been and what transpired between Christian and I is running through her mind. "He may not be completely asleep yet. He refused to have his bottle, but ate a good lunch so I did not push him."

I thank Gail and shuffle my feet up the stairs, one-step at a time.

With soft footfalls, I tiptoe in to my baby's room and find him drowsily opening and closing his eyes while cuddling the bear Grace and Carrick bought for him at the zoo. The afternoon sunlight is dimmed by the heavy chocolate drapes, which Mrs. Taylor has pulled closed over his windows.

"Mama…" He says sleepily when he sees me. His perfect pink lips yawn and I smile at the adorableness of it.

"Yes Teddy bear, Mama is here." I coo to him touching his head in a soft caress.

My touch acts like a magical talisman, sending him off in to peaceful slumber instantly. A peaceful smile is painted over his delicate features. He was waiting for me to come to him I think to myself. Maybe that is a silly thought but it soothes my aching heart.

Content that my baby is sleeping I slip out of his room, carefully closing the door behind me so as not to wake him. I don't check his monitor because I know Gail has it on and is carrying one with her. She cares for my baby perfectly and I never worry when he is with her.

I stand in the hallway trying to decide what to do next. I could go lay down, I probably should but I choose not to. Instead, I go in the room next to Ted's nursery, my study. I sit down at my desk and flip on my laptop. I log in to my work email, wanting, needing something to distract my mind. There is nothing new for me. I am sure Christian has directed Hannah to handle everything or distribute responsibilities to other employees. That is what he said he was going to do. I just hoped there would be something for me to do.

Deciding to take matters in my own hands, I reach for the phone and call Grey's Publishing. I press in the necessary numbers to be connected with Hannah. When she answers the phone, she is shocked to hear from me. After some persuading, I am able to convince her to email me one of the manuscripts I had been working on before my medical leave. I am grateful for the fact that she had not passed this certain manuscript on to anyone else yet; I loved this one and felt very strongly about wanting to finish it myself.

Talking with Hannah it occurs to me that she has no idea why I am off work, she only knows I have been ill. She refrains from asking questions, not wanting to pry. She only wants to be sure that Christian will not be angry with her for going against his orders.

"I will speak with him," I ensure her. She is still hesitant but complies with my request. My email pings once I end the phone call. I download the file and begin the task of reading and editing.

While I am busy, working time passes quickly and I am surprised by how late it is when I finally lift my head from my task. Christian should be home soon. I shift my head side to side, working out the stiffness, which has formed in my neck and shoulders. Sitting for so many hours straight can do that to you. It is at this moment I realize I never heard Ted wake from his nap. I close my laptop and stand to go check on him.

As I walk out of the room I hear voices coming up the stairs, one belonging to Christian, the other belonging to Gail and accompanying them is the chatter of my baby. When did he wake up? Was I really so deeply invested in my work that I did not hear him or hear Gail fetching him? Self-reproach washes over me. I should have checked on Ted. My devotion to my work pulled me away from reality though and as much as I want to regret my respite from reality, I can't. There have been few moments over the past week in which I have been able to let go of what happened to me. Each time one of those moments has occurred I have treasured it and sought to have it back.

When Gail and Christian come in to view, I see that Christian is carrying Ted and Gail has a basket full of Ted's clean laundry. She nods at me in a formal manner, which I find odd and passes by me to go in the nursery.

"Mama…mama mmmmm…" Teddy reaches his arms out and lunges his body forward away from Christian's arms.

"Hey baby boy." I take him and he pats my chest.

"Mrs. Taylor says you have been busy in your study this afternoon." Christian states plainly. I know he is observing me, bating me. He knows I was working and is waiting to see if I will confess to him. I have not been married to him for nearly two years without learning a thing or two about the way he works.

"I was, I didn't hear Ted wake up. I was reading and editing a manuscript."

"I told Hannah to pass along all of your work to other personnel."

"I know. I called her and asked for this manuscript specifically, I was working on it before my leave and wanted to finish with it."

"You should have been resting."

"I enjoyed working this afternoon." Ted pats me impatiently and I walk past Christian and in to our bedroom. He follows behind me and watches as I carry Ted with me to sit in the middle of our bed. Cradling Teddy against me, I let him nurse and he is sighs happily in my arms.

Watching him, I hold back a yawn. I really am tired from working all afternoon, tired yet invigorated. This is a good kind of tired. Teddy grins up at me and I feel the same calm euphoria I always do when nursing my baby boy wash over me. Life can move on. I cling to these moment of normalcy like I lifeline.

Christian kicks his shoes off and to my surprise, he comes to join Ted and I on the bed after loosening his tie and removing his suit jacket. The bed dips slightly as he moves to sit beside us.

"I wish you had rested instead of working." He says not looking at me. He is gazing down at Ted. "Hannah had everything taken care of."

"I know she did. It felt good though Christian. Did you see Flynn?"

I see him nod out of the corner of my eye. "I did."

"How did it go?"

"Well."

Come on Grey, throw me a bone. I want to shake it out of him. I am so tired of his elusive attitude and I need him to open up and talk with me.

"For a split second I thought you were dying." His blatant revelation nearly knocks the wind out of my lungs. It is as if I have fallen flat on the my back and my lugs cannot refill with air. He draws in a breath before continuing. "When I walked in the bathroom that morning and saw you there, covered in blood…Jesus Christ there was so much blood…I knew in my mind what was happened but I thought you were dying. I couldn't get my mind to think reasonably at first all I saw was you surrounded by bright crimson."

I thread my fingers in his where they are resting in his lap. "Christian, look in to my eyes." I softly demand. Hesitantly he sweeps his gaze up to meet mine. "I was never dying."

"I know that. Our baby though…I saw the deep scarlet blood clots. Oh Ana…" He gasps and breaks my hand from its attachment with his. He buries his face in his hands and his shoulders begin shaking violently as he sobs brokenly.

This is the cusp of it all. Christian saw everything head on, nothing went unobserved by him. There is not a doubt in my mind that he has been reliving the horror as much as, if not more, than I have. He is talking though, this is good. My urge is to hold him. I want to cradle my husband in my arms. I shift Ted to nurse from my right breast and place my arm around Christian, pulling him to me. His body collapses and folds in to mine. This man, over six feet tall, has crumpled in to a broken heap and is lying in my arms, his head pressed against my chest.

"I am here Christian." I rock both of my boys against my body. Running my fingers through Christian's copper locks, I soothe him with my motions and my words. "I am here and Teddy is here. You have your family Christian. You are not alone in this." He wraps one arm around my back and with the other, he cradles our Ted, helping me to support him.

I feel his sobbing subside but make no move to change our positions. This closeness is healing. Every day needs have been cared for but seclusion between Christian and I has been left behind. We have neglected our need for intimacy. Intimacy makes us who we are and we have to find it again. Feeling this skin on skin contact is a start and I welcome the warmth it brings.


	23. Chapter 23

Thank you all for your sweet reviews!

Enjoy!

"Quack, quack, do you see the duck swimming Ted?" Standing just outside the bathroom door I listen to the joyous sounds of Christian giving Ted his bath. This is normal. Moments like these are a welcomed change from the tumultuous life we have been living.

As quiet as a mouse I sneak around the corner to behold the sight of Christian kneeling beside the bathtub. Teddy is sitting up and splashing his hands about trying to catch his yellow rubber duck as Christian makes it swim around in the water. This has always been one of my favorite things to see, my husband caring for our son. I think back to the countless times I have snuck up on them during bath time without them knowing, I love each and every one of them equally.

"Wa wa wa!" Teddy says patting his hands, causing ripples and waves. He giggles, pleased with the result of his movements. He is even more delighted when his daddy mimics him causing greater undulations to form.

My presence is given away when Teddy points his chubby fingers and screams, "Mama!"

"Is Mommy watching us Ted?" Christian turns his head to see me and flashes me his most heart melting smile.

Seeing his smile, I cannot help but return it. It is as though a million pounds of weight were lifted from his shoulders when he opened up, sharing his fears with me eased his heart and his mind. _Focus on what we have Christian,_ I tell him silently. I believe he is beginning to see the importance of that now. One day at a time.

"I can't help it Daddy. You both are so cute."

Christian quirks his eyebrow at me and shakes his head, laughing to himself. Oh, I love that sound. His laughter coupled with the giggles of our baby is perfection.

"Cover your eyes Ted and let Daddy rinse your hair." Teddy covers brings his hands to cover both of his eyes. With the gentlest of gestures Christian cups his hands, gathering water in them, and rinses the suds from Ted's hair. He repeats the act until all of the white bubbles are gone from our baby's head. "All done son." He takes a towel and lifts Teddy out of the tub, wrapping him in the soft warmth.

"I think you need to be dried off just as much as Teddy does." I tell Christian observing his wet linen shirt.

"I suppose I do." He looks down to see his nearly sopping wet linen shirt.

"Here, I will dry him, dress him, nurse him and tuck him in." I take my wet and wiggly little boy from his daddy's arms and bundle him up so that he doesn't get cold.

**TEDDY IS TUCKED IN **for the night and dreaming peacefully in a short amount of time. I go in search of Christian and find him in my office.

"What are you doing?" He is sitting behind my desk typing.

"Finishing up a few communications with the company who is co-sponsoring our shipment to N'Djamena. They helped a few years ago with the Darfur project." I nod, faintly remembering him working on something to that nature when we first met. Christian's good deeds are boundless, he is always working to help others and his passion for feeding people in less fortunate areas of the world never ceases to amaze me.

"Will you be done soon?" I ask hoping the answer is yes. I want to go to lie down with him and fall asleep in his arms.

"I should be. Go ahead to bed, I will be there soon." Not the answer I was hoping for.

"I will wait for you." I volunteer and move to sit on the chaise lounge near the window.

"It may be awhile before I am finished. You need your sleep."

"I need to be with you."

He looks at me scrupulously, trying to read the meaning of my declaration. "I have been with you." He states cautiously, and he is saying the truth, he has.

Christian has not missed a bit since Friday afternoon in the sense of meeting my basic needs. He has seen to it that I eat, rest and that Ted is taken care of for me. He has held me and kissed me chastely on the lips, but that is all. We need closeness, it is who we are and it has been lacking.

"I want to go to bed with you Christian."

"Ana you know we can't. You are still bleeding and your body needs to heal." He closes my laptop and stares at me from behind my desk.

I feel like I am walking through a maze. Carefully tiptoeing about as not to make a wrong turn or come to a dead end but then dead ends are all I find. We are talking. This is good. Do I need to give him more time? I begin feeling frustrated again and tears threaten. Ugh, if only I could get control of myself. I cast my gaze downward, willing the tears to go away. Silently I beg them not to fall.

"I know that Christian." I huff out petulantly. Then a terrible thought enters my mind. What if he doesn't find me attractive anymore after what he saw? I run my teeth over my bottom lip, insecurity creeping through my veins like a dark concoction. It threatens to consume me with self-doubt. Why am I so needy? Annoyed with my lack of sensibility I stand to leave the room when I am stopped by Christian. He is standing in front of me, holding my arms with his hands.

"Ana, what is it? What have I done? I have been trying to take care of you and of Ted. I have done everything in my power to help you. I know I wasn't there for you at first but I am trying. If there is something else, you need me to do please tell me."

Searching his earnest gray eyes, I want to melt in to a puddle at his feet. A pool of muddled emotions. I cannot grasp only one emotion. No, every single one of them is being thrown at me at warp speed and I am grabbling to take hold of only one. An endless barrage of feelings pummels my heart and mind. I am such a mess.

"I need you to love me. I need to love you."

"Love you? Of course I love you." He looks confused.

"Forget it. Just forget I said anything." I move my arms to dislodge his grasp on me and quickly leave the room. I feel fifty shades of foolish, embarrassed by my actions.

Once in our bedroom I quickly change in to my pajamas, a tank top and shorts, then go I go the bathroom to brush my teeth and take care of my needs. Christian is sitting on our bed wearing only his boxers when I come out. The blankets are pulled down and he has not bothered to turn the bedside lights on. I shut off the bathroom light behind me, cloaking the room in night. I'm too ashamed of my meltdown to look him in the eyes. The blackness affords me the chance to avoid any confrontation.

"Ana," his voice calls to me in the dark. "Baby, come here." In the shadows, I can just make out him extending his hand to me. Tentatively I place my hand in his and he draws me to sit on his lap. "If you will talk I promise to listen. You listened to me this afternoon. It is only right for me to do the same."

I keep my hands in my lap, not touching him but wanting to so badly. I can feel the bare skin on his chest touching my arm. His hair tickling me with its softness, the warmth that radiates off of him. I could dissolve in to him like this. Instinctively I turn my cheek and nuzzle in to him. He answers my gesture by combing his long fingers through my hair. How do I tell him…this is what I need. I only want to be close to him right now, to know we still love each other and have passion for each other.

"I only want to be with you Christian." I murmur against his skin.

"Is this helping?" His voice reverberates in his chest against my ear.

"Yes." I whisper to him and he tightens his hold on me. "I want to forget, Christian."

"Me too baby."

"But I can't. Every time I close my eyes I see…I experience it all over again."

"I know, Ana. It is the same for me."

We are on a seesaw, giving and taking. Teetering on a great balance where each has to give and take equally. Any slight change threatens to throw off our equilibrium and can throw us in to a tailspin of emotions.

"Christian," after a long meditative silence I say his name and lift his hand to cup my breast. His first instinct causes him to attempt to draw his hand back but with a firm grasp, I keep it where I want it. "Please." I look up in his eyes and even in the darkness, I can see his inner struggle playing out before me.

"I cannot take anything from you right now Anastasia. Please do not ask this of me." He shakes his head definitively.

"You are not taking anything from me. Please share with me Christian, be with me."

Not waiting for his answer I move from his lap and lift my shirt over my head, baring my body for him. I lie back amongst the pillows, he is watching me intently the entire time.

"Please," I whimper, pleading with him. Begging him to touch me intimately.

After a long pause he joins me, reclining on his side he props himself with his elbow. His other hand traces my skin. His feather light touches cause chill bumps to breakout and I shiver.

"So beautiful…" He whispers more to himself than to me. I keep my eyes locked on his face but he is not watching me. He is watching his fingers as he moves them, tracing the outline of my full breasts, each in turn then my nipples, which pucker and harden.

He takes one in between his thumb and forefinger and gently kneads it as he brings his mouth down to taste the other. The sensation of his warm mouth against my skin, joined by his tongue flicking and tasting me ever so gently is my undoing. Waves of pleasure radiate from my core outward and I cry out his name. My words and sounds only serve to urge him on and I know he is becoming lost in me. I love it. I need it and want it.

"Breathe sweet girl." He murmurs against my skin before moving his mouth to my other breast and giving it the same attention. I gulp in air and soon feel the same decadent gratification consuming me again. I have never felt more alive than I do right now.

When Christian is satisfied, he slides down my body and I pull him near, wrapping my legs around his I anchor him to me. "I love you." I whisper and kiss the top of his head, threading my hands in his hair. With subtle motions, he kneads my breast and suckles me. Gladly I give myself over to him wholly. I love this man more than the air I breathe.


	24. Chapter 24

I hope you all enjoyed my little Ana and Christian's first Christmas short story I wrote :) I plan to write Teddy's first Christmas this weekend and post it as a separate story as well. I have had several of you ask that I write Christmas 2013, I will eventually. I am planning for that to be a full length story because that is when they will find out they are pregnant with Phoebe, so it will not be a short story I will write this Christmas, but you will get it eventually. :)

I hope you all enjoy this new chapter and thank you for reading.

**I AM SURROUNDED BY **heat, my limbs pressed against my body and the bed. I blink my eyes and am greeted with the breathtaking sight that is my sleeping husband. His arms and legs envelope me, intertwined with mine they bind me tightly to him. I wriggle an arm free and reach up to touch his face, tracing the peaceful expression. The morning sun brings a new assurance of moving on. The bright morning light lends to beginning the day with a buoyant mood and I smile.

Christian blinks his sleep gray eyes open and I know he feels the same weightlessness as I do. We have moved through the passage between our grief and healing, finally coming out on the optimist side and it is a relief.

"Good morning Mrs. Grey." He takes my hand and kisses my fingertips. "Did you sleep well?"

"I did." I breathe out a sigh of relief, relishing the tranquil moment bathing us. We each reflect one another's smiles on our own faces.

Christian peels his limbs from mine and the cool air in the room rushes around my skin. Suddenly chilled I pull the sheets up to recover myself. I know we need to get up. Ted will be waking soon and will want breakfast. Christian needs to shower and dress for work, but for now we choose to steal a precious moment of solitude.

"How do you feel today?"

"Better…good…very good actually." I think as I speak, each work increasing in positivity. Life is moving forward and we are going to move forward with it.

"That is what I love to hear."

I snuggle up against him, pressing my cheek to his chest I listen to his heartbeat. The steady rhythm is as assuring as it always is. Telling me that this vibrant man whom I love so much is real and here holding me in his arms.

"How do you feel today?" I echo his question to me with the same for him. I was not the only one affected. I am not the only one who has hurt and mourned over the past few days.

"Like a very fortunate man with a beautiful wife and son." His words touch me deep down and I cannot resist pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

"A son who has a birthday in less than two weeks." I grin reminding him, as if he needed it, of our baby boy's upcoming birthday party.

"We need to go shopping for his gifts Mommy." He smirks at me knowing just how much I loathe shopping, but for my Teddy I am happy to do it. I cannot wait to watch him dig in to his birthday cake. He will probably wear more of it than he eats as he does with most of his food.

"We can go Thursday after my doctor's appointment."

"It's a date."

A date…I wonder if now is a good time to bring up Jose's show. I want to go badly not only to support my friend, but it would be a wonderful chance for Christian and I to get away, just the two of us. I am sure Grace and Carrick would not mind watching Ted. Kate wanted us to go though, I think to myself. I would love to go with my friend, but the time as a couple would be good for Christian and I. I begin to formulate a plan…perhaps Kate and Elliot could travel with us. Then I would be able to enjoy the best of both worlds. I am not sure if Christian would go for it, there is only one way to find out.

"Speaking of dates," I begin, "Kate called a few days ago to tell me Jose is going to be featured in an art show in Redding, CA." I watch his eyes, trying to read his expression but as usual, my dear Mr. Grey is very talented with the art of wearing a poker face.

"Is that so, would you like to go?"

I smile approvingly at him. "You're full of surprises Mr. Grey. Yes, I would love to go. In fact, Kate was wanting to attend the show as well. What would you think of Kate and Elliot going with us?"

"Is that what you would like?"

"Yes."

"Then ask Kate if they want to go."

I wrap my arms around his neck. "You're too much sometimes you know."

"Because I want to see my beautiful wife happy? I live to make you happy Anastasia." He tells me sincerely, running his finger over my bottom lip before kissing me. The bright and cheery sound of our little boy's baby gibberish meets our ears, coming from the baby monitor. "I think that is our wake up alarm Mommy." Christian moves to get out of bed but I grab his wrist, halting him.

"I love you."

"I love you." He flashes me his all-American boy smile and I feel it warm me all the way down to my toes. I lay in bed just long enough to watch Christian's boxer clad behind walk out of our bedroom before I make a quick trip to the bathroom before he returns with our son.

"Yes, Andrea…please schedule the interview for Friday morning. I will be arriving late to work of course…ask Claude to fit me in that afternoon since I will not be able to make my morning appointment…no…yes…okay fine, make time for the press, but they must come today if they want any interviews because I am taking off tomorrow. Yes, the entire day. Good. Thank you."

Christian is freshly showered and dressed in his black suit with a smart slate blue tie. He looks put together, like the powerful CEO, he is. My man. Even when he was on the phone with Andrea I could hear and see how much his self-confidence has returned, today is truly a new day for both of us.

"Breakfast Mr. Grey?" Gail asks smiling as she moves from the stove to where she is plating Christian's omelet and fruit. I believe she can feel the change in the atmosphere too.

"Yes, thank you." He answers her coming to kiss the top of my head. "I'm sorry I was unable to accompany you and Ted down for breakfast. I had to take the call from Andrea. We will be interviewing a Ms. Windham, a prospective second housekeeper, on Friday morning." He turns his attention to Gail as she places his food in front of him at the table. "If Mrs. Grey and I are happy with Ms. Windham I would like for you to meet her before we hire her. I would like to be sure that she is someone you would want working with you before she is hired."

I think Gail is as shocked by his request as I am. Christian does not hand out compliments lightly and him asking Gail for her opinion is most definitely a testament to how much he trusts her. "I would be glad to Mr. Grey."

"Good." He catches my smile and raises an eyebrow at me as he brings his coffee cup to his lips, taking a sip. "What are you smiling at?

"You."

"Dada, tiss." Teddy reaches his banana-smeared hands demanding a kiss from his father.

Christian stands from his chair and moves to where our little boy is sitting in his highchair. "I am so sorry I did not kiss you when I came in the kitchen son." He leans down and presses a kiss to the top of our son's curly copper hair and Ted grins before happily resuming his breakfast feast.

Again, I smile. My pristinely dressed husband is unconcerned about the fact that our baby boy could have easily soiled his suit with his breakfast. His only concern was obliging Teddy's request for a kiss.

"What are your plans for today Mommy?" He asks, sitting down to eat his omelet.

"Playing with our Teddy, maybe doing some work while he naps."

"You could call Kate and ask her if she would like to come by. I know she was going to come yesterday."

Yesterday…yesterday Kate didn't come because I asked her not to after I learned how much our loss was still affecting Christian. My heart is better today as is Christians. I would love to see my best friend, I know she is worried about me.

"I think I will." I state, deciding that seeing Kate will be good.

"Good. I love seeing your smile. I've missed it." Lifting his hand Christian traces my cheek with his fingers.

"I've missed yours."

"It's back now. I will ask Taylor to make arrangements for us in Redding and call Mom to ask her to care for Ted. It is this coming weekend isn't it?"

"Yes." I am so excited to be going to see my friend but even more excited to be going away with Christian. "Will you have him make arrangements for Kate and Elliot as well."

"I can do that."

Taylor enters the doorway, "Mr. Grey, we should be going."

Christian nods and looks back to me. "I must leave for work baby, Ros and I have a press conference this morning." He stands and kisses our baby then bends down to kiss me. "I will call you."

"I will be waiting for your call Mr. Grey."

"Think of me Mrs. Grey."

"Always Mr. Grey." I cannot resist taking his tie in my grasp and pulling him back down to press my lips to his.

"Have a good day." I whisper against his mouth.

"With you acting so dominating Mrs. Grey it will be an uncomfortably tight day." He smirks wickedly and I blush fifty shades of scarlet. My cheeks heat up so much that I feel like they are boiling. I catch Gail averting her gaze downward but the grin on her lips is unmistakable. Gail knows nearly all there is to know about how kinky our sex life is, she cleaned his playroom for years, but having him say the word 'dominating' in front of her embarrasses me immensely.

I hide my face in my hands and giggle. I feel his hot breath brush against my ear. "Think about that all day long." He says, emphasizing the word 'long', which only makes me blush more. "I love you."

"I love you too." I uncover my face and his impish mood is painted over his lovely features.

"Laters baby." He pecks my cheek and is gone. Leaving me a giggling mess of awkwardness.


	25. Chapter 25

Giving you ladies a longer chapter...hope you enjoy it. :)

The love between my baby boy and my best friend is sweet and real. The same light that shone in Kate's eyes when she first held Teddy in her arms in the hospital still appears each time she sees him. If Kate had never married, Elliot she would still be my baby boy's aunt and godmother. Holding Ted's hands in hers they are facing each other, Kate walking backwards as Ted toddles forward. His steps are big and sure, their eyes locked.

"Look at him go Ana!" Kate exclaims, just as proud of my baby as I am. She will make an outstanding mother when she and Elliot have a baby. I know she is unsure of her possible motherhood skills, but in my mind, I have no doubt. Her baby will be fortunate to have her as its mother.

"Sit down and stand him in front of you," I instruct her as I sit on the family room floor. "Let's see if he will walk between us. He has taken a few independent steps between Christian and I."

Kate coaxes Ted to sit in her lap before standing him in front of her to face me. Her hands encircle his waist. " I can hardly believe we will be celebrating his first birthday soon, he is growing so fast. Were Mommy and Daddy so proud of you when you walked Teddy?" She asks him.

"Daddy wants him to do it over and over again, trying to snap a million pictures each time he does." I think of the few bright moments, which have dotted the past week of our lives and Teddy is the brightest star in my sky. In the darkness of all of our sorrow and loss, our baby boy has kept us both going. Guiding us both with his sunny smile, he is a dazzling light in both of our worlds.

"Christian is a good father, Ana." Kate's declaration is not something that she has not said before but the sincerity in her voice and the earnestness in her eyes touch me. I know she is trying to convey more to me with her words than she is saying and her message is well received.

"He is." I smile at her in agreement. An unspoken conversation passes between us briefly before we return our attention to the eager little boy in the room. "Come here Ted, walk to Mommy." I hold my arms out, encouraging him to walk to me. He furrows his brow in determination, so much like his father, and takes a step from Kate's grasp.

Teddy's happy giggles fill the family room as he travels back and forth between Kate and I numerous times. At my request Gail serves our lunch to us casually where we sit on the floor. Simple sandwiches and chips for Kate and I, avocado, bananas and steamed carrots for Ted. He sits in my lap happily munching, tasting and enjoying each food. Kate comments more than once on how he is a good eater. I have to agree, my baby boy has yet to find a food that he does not like.

While Ted is occupied with his lunch, I ask Kate about she and Elliot joining Christian and I for Jose's art show.

"Christian actually wants to go?" Kate is as surprised as I was when Christian agreed and wanted to go with me.

I laugh, "I'm not sure that he wants to go but he said he would. I was shocked too, believe me. He and Jose' get along well enough though. I think Christian has put the past behind him, or at least in the back of his mind." I add, thinking better of my sudden optimism. Christian is likely never to forget his initial dislike for Jose' Rodriguez when he found him trying to push his advances on me in front of club while I was drunk.

"Yes, in the back of his mind is more like it."

"I think so too. I trust Christian to be a good boy though."

"And if he's not you most definitely know how to punish him." She adds with a glint in her eye.

"Kate!" I admonish her.

"What? Come on Ana, Teddy has no idea what we are talking about." True. I take another bite of my avocado, bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich. "So, while we are somewhat on the subject…how have things been between you and Christian?"

I help Ted grasp a piece of banana he is having a hard time picking up and he eats it, licking his fingers in the process. Helping him gives me a second to gather my words together, deciding how I want to respond to Kate's question.

"Ana?" She prompts me gently, sensing my hesitation. "If I'm asking too much of you right now, please let me know. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"No, Kate. No, please don't think that." I tell her to encourage her, letting her know that she has not upset me. Although Christian and I are mending, the emotions are still very raw and tender. "We are getting better," I finally tell her honestly. She nods, listening attentively. "He was there with me. We were playing in our bed with Ted, it was morning, we had just woken up and I went to the bathroom." My voice trembles slightly but I choose to forge on. "Then it happened and I screamed…I was so scared and Christian ran to me. He held me in his arms. He saw it all Kate and he was petrified. I encouraged him to go back to Ted and he did, long enough to give him to Gail. We left for the hospital after that and while I remember everything that happened it is still so much of a blur."

"Oh, Ana…" Kate picks up her napkin from her lap and dabs tears from the corners of her eyes.

I am not crying, I muse to myself internally and I do not know quite what to make of this discovery. Maybe that is what healing is? Being able to talk about it and leaving behind a bit of the sadness each time. It still hurts to remember but it somehow feels easier to tell the story of what happened.

"We are getting better," I repeat myself. "It hasn't been easy. Christian…he has struggled. We are coming together though, more and more every day." I look down at Teddy and graze my fingers through his wispy curls. "Having our sweet baby boy helps. He is the constant light for both of us."

"I'm so glad." She smiles, still dabbing away her tears. "Will Grace and Carrick keep him this weekend?"

"Yes, Christian is going to ask them today. Taylor is making our hotel arrangements."

Kate pauses before speaking, "Are you sure you want Elliot and I to go with you? You and Christian may need this as alone time for the two of you. I don't want to take that away from you with us being in the way."

"Kate, you and Elliot will not be in the way. Christian and I want you to come with us, please say that you will."

She sighs and smiles, "Okay, you've twisted my arm. We will, but if Elliot acts like a behind I will make him behave."

"And if Christian misbehaves I will make him behave as well." I smile back at her.

"Oh, I am sure you will Grey."

"Kate!"

"What? Like I said, you know Teddy doesn't understand what we are talking about. Imagine what it will be like when he gets older though…I hope he never finds out what freaks his parents are in the bedroom."

"Kate!"

She smirks, "Don't worry Ana, you've got plenty of time before that happens." Even though she teases me relentlessly sometimes, I love this woman.

Shortly after lunch, Kate leaves to go to work. When she and Elliot decided to leave Seattle, moving to their new home in Kent, she took a new job as Government Reporter for the Kent Reporter. It is a smaller scale job than the one she had working for the Seattle Times, but she seems happier in Kent. Her hours are much more flexible and while the pay is less, I suspect that much like me, the size of her salary is not a main concern between she and Elliot. Elliot only wants her to be happy and whenever she talks about a new case she is reporting on I can see in her eyes that she is.

Kate showers Ted in kisses and me in hugs before leaving. "Call me when you have the details for this weekend." She prompts before walking out the front door.

"I will, I am sure Christian will share all of that with me when he gets home." I take Teddy's hand in mine and wave it in the air. "Wave bye bye to Auntie Kate."

She blows him a kiss and waves to him. "Take care of yourself Ana and I will see you in a few days." We hug once more, my best friend, my sister.

**"WAKE UP MOMMY," CHRISTIAN'S** smooth voice whispers in my ear and I snuggle closer to the warm body of my baby boy before blinking my eyes open. I could stay like this forever. It takes me a minute to get my bearings straight. Through my sleepy haze, I realize it is late afternoon, early evening and I am lying in bed where Ted and I fell asleep together hours ago.

Christian is leaning over the bed in front of me. Teddy is still slumbering, his precious face pressed lighted against my bare breast. We both must have dozed off while he was nursing.

"How long have I been asleep?" I strain to see the red numbers on the alarm clock and notice that it was four hours ago when Ted and I laid down. "Four hours, I did not mean to sleep that long."

"It is obvious you needed the rest." Christian still dressed in the same suite and slate blue tie as this morning relaxes to lay on his side, facing Ted and I. He looks tired yet happy. "It seems our little man is worn out as well." He kisses his fingertips before pressing them gently to Ted's chubby cheek.

"He was nonstop energy today, walking back and forth between Kate and I before lunch, then we played outside before lying down to nurse and nap."

"Motherhood is so beautiful on you." I look up from where I was watching my sleeping angel and my eyes meet Christians, they are filled with adoration and peacefulness. Gone are the stormy gray clouds, having been replaced by brilliant shining silver.

It is then I notice the camera resting on our bed in front of his chest. "Were you taking pictures of us sleeping?"

"Yes."

"You can't put those in his baby book you know."

"They are for my eyes only Mommy. The image of you and our son sharing a cherished moment is something I want to keep forever." He reaches his hand to trace the delineation between Ted's face and my bare breasts. "So beautiful…" He whispers. I cast my eyes downward, unable to resist watching his fingers sketch faintly over my skin. I let out a shuddered sigh of contentment and allow my eyes to close, relishing the sensation. Christian Grey makes me feel beautiful.

Skating his fingers up he catches my chin with his hand and tilts it up so that we are looking at each other again. "Are you still bleeding?" He questions bluntly.

"No." I answer truthfully. "I haven't been since last night."

I see his chest rise and fall as he takes in a breath and releases it. "It is over then." His voice is weighted with relief.

I want to tell him that yes, physically my miscarriage is over, but we still carry the encumbrance of our loss with us. I refrain though, because I am sure he already knows this. It is understood in the moments of silence passing between us. Both of recognize the reality, there is no need to vocalize it.

Sweet baby eyes blink up at us and Christian touches Ted's cheek. "Hi, son." He greets Ted as he wakes from his slumber.

"Dada…" Teddy says sleepily rubbing his eyes with his fisted hands in an attempt to wake himself. "Mama…" He then says looking up to me.

"That's right son, Daddy and Mommy are both here. We've got you." Christian kisses him and another piece of my heart becomes melded with his.

**"ARE YOU SURE MRS. GREY?" **Gail asks for the tenth time as I try to shoo her from the kitchen. I want to prepare dinner for Christian, Ted and I. "If you won't let me cook for you then at least allow me to warm something I have already prepared." She insists going to the freezer.

"I want to Gail. I appreciate everything. You have been working so much lately though, caring for me, Mr. Grey and Ted that I want to give you the evening off."

"Does Mr. Grey know?" She asks and I know she wants to chide and tattle on me if he is unaware, which he is. Gail has been as protective of me has Christian has and I love her for it.

"No he does not and please don't tell him. I want this to be a surprise." I whisper the last part, which is silly because I know Christian cannot hear me from the outdoor room where he is playing with Ted.

"Then at least let me help you." She tries once more.

"Thank you Gail, but I want you to enjoy your evening off with your husband. I know Sophie is coming for a visit and I would hate for you to miss the time with her."

Taylor's daughter has been coming more often to visit with him and she and Gail are forming quite a wonderful relationship. I only want to encourage it and to give her time with her family. She has been so busy with mine ever since the miscarriage. I know she is neglecting her own loved ones.

"Please call me if you need me."

"I will Gail," I assure her and scoot her out of the room. I don't have much time to begin preparing dinner.

Rummaging through the pantry and refrigerator, I decide on tomato soup with grilled cheese croutons. It's easy enough to make and will be done quickly. The sooner I am finished cooking the less time Christian has to protest the fact that I dismissed Gail early tonight.

I place my apple red Dutch oven on the stove and turn on the gas burner. While my onions and garlic are sautéing in oil, I search for what kind of cheese I want to use. Gruyere, perfect! I am adding the orzo pasta and heavy cream when Christian and Ted walk in to the kitchen. Christian is hunched over, shuffling along behind Ted and I love how cute they are together.

"Something smells delicious Mrs. Tay…" He looks up and sees me standing over the stove. "Where is Mrs. Taylor?" He asks, his furrowed brow mimicking the same stubborn expression our determined son is wearing.

"I gave her the evening off."

"You…" He begins but I keep talking.

"She did not want to go but I insisted. She has been so busy with us lately that she has hardly had a moment to herself. I wanted to cook dinner and besides, Sophie is visiting Taylor. I thought it would be nice for them to be together." He opens his mouth as if he is going to say something but wisely shuts it. "I've made tomato soup with grilled cheese croutons." I smile, happy to have won the battle before it even began and take a taste of the delicious soup. "Dinner is ready Mr. Grey."

He picks Ted up and plops him on his hip, walking over to me. "May I have a taste Mrs. Grey?"

"You most certainly may." I dip my spoon back in the pot and bring it close to my lips, blowing it off before offering it to Christian.

"Mmmmm…now this is why I married Mommy, Ted." He smiles appreciatively. "Well, not the only reason." He adds pinching my behind with his free hand.

"Go put your son in his highchair and then help me." I tell him nodding in the direction of the table.

"Yes, Mommy." He grins mischievously.

Christian comes back and helps me fill our bowls with soup. I put some plain orzo I set aside in a bowl for Teddy and add some peas and carrots, which I steamed for him to it. Finally, I sprinkle a touch of parmesan cheese on top for him.

"Mama nack!" He says and reaches his chubby hands out to grasp his bowl. As soon as I place the bowl on his tray, he begins eating. Holding his spoon in his left hand, he feeds himself with his right.

Christian tops our soups with the cheese croutons and carries them over, placing them in front of our seats. I smile, loving the normalcy of this evening. Our little family unit sharing a meal together, a meal I prepared. I love cooking and I love it even more when it is for Christian and Ted. I must do this more often. I know this is Gail's job and she enjoys it, but then so do I.

"You have outdone yourself Mrs. Grey. This is delicious." Christian compliments me as he enjoys his meal.

"Thank you." I beam at him and begin eating myself. I realize there are a million things we could talk about right now. How his day went at work, how my visit with Kate was, where we are staying when we visit Redding this weekend, and if he spoke with Grace and Carrick today. We talk about none of it though. Instead, we eat our meal, listening to Ted's jabbers and responding to him with smiles and conversation of our own, between our little family.


	26. Chapter 26

Be on the lookout for a New Year's story :) I will post it in the next few days. In the meanwhile, enjoy this chapter.

"Dada tiss!" My insistent little boy stands in his crib, holding on to the rails to support himself.

Christian had to take a phone call from Barney regarding a server fail at Grey House, leaving me to tuck Ted in without him. Our daddy's boy is none too happy about these arrangements and is most definitely making his dissatisfaction known. His bottom lip sticks out in a stubborn pout and I touch it with my finger.

"Give Mommy a kiss, Ted. Daddy will be up for a kiss as soon as he can." I pucker my lips offering a kiss but Teddy shakes his head 'no.' He has yet to say the actual word but he knows how to shakes his head to get his point across.

"Dada tiss!" He demands again, now with huge alligator tears pooling in his eyes.

I cannot tell this little boy no. _You're going to regret how wrapped around his finger you are…_I hear my mother's voice in the back of my mind. The last time she visited two months ago, she commented frequently on how Teddy has only to say jump and Christian and I ask, how high. Accommodating his request to kiss his daddy goodnight cannot ruin him and is not giving him everything he wants. Looking in to his sad eyes, I give in and lift him from his crib.

"Come, let's go find Daddy." He claps his hands in jubilation and calls to 'Dada' the entire way down the stairs. My mercurial little boy, so much like his father.

Christian looks up from his desk when we enter his office. At the bottom of the stairs, Ted upped his demands by wriggling from my arms so that he could walk to find, Dada. Papers are strewn across the desk and his laptop is open, he is most obviously busy and I hate interrupting him. It is evident how tired he is and I know he must want to finish his work so he can join Ted and I upstairs.

"Hold on, Barney…" He covers the phone. "I thought it was bedtime for you little man." He mock scolds Teddy. Not much of a scolding Mr. Grey, you have a smile stretching five miles wide.

"Dada tiss!" Teddy shrieks and suddenly breaks free from my hands and begins walking on his own, nearly running to reach Christian.

"Look at you go, son!" Christian is as excited as his son is and sets the phone down on the desk just in time to scoop him up in his arms.

"He insisted on kissing you goodnight and would not hear anything else." I stand where Ted left me with my hands on my hips.

"Were you sassing Mommy, Ted?"

"More like giving me puppy dog eyes, Daddy."

Ignoring Christian and I's conversation Ted begins placing sloppy kisses all over his father's face. He is a very much awake little boy, not interested at all in the prospect of going to bed.

Christian picks the phone back up. "Barney, please leave those two servers shut down for the night. The most vital ones are up and running, the others can wait until tomorrow. Yes…thank you for trying…no I'm sure…good night." He ends the phone call and begins tickling Ted's frog pajama clad tummy mercilessly.

I marvel at how easily Christian can walk away from his work. There was a time not so long ago when his work took precedence over everything else in his life. Now, it is Ted. The way it should be. "It is bedtime for you little man, right now." He declares and lifts Ted above his head, bringing him back down to blow raspberries on his tummy. "Come, Mommy. We will put him to bed together." He reaches for my hand and clasps it in his.

Teddy attempts to wriggle down, wanting to break out in another near run no doubt. Christian keeps him securely in his arms though. "Bedtime, son. Daddy and Mommy will both tuck you in." He tells him firmly and Ted lays his head on his father's shoulder subdued, for now.

Happy to have had his bedtime kisses from both Christian and I, our little boy cuddles his bear from the zoo and kisses its nose. He yawns and rubs his eyes with his fist just before drifting off to sleep.

"I knew he was tired, the little procrastinator." I whisper softly so as not to wake him.

"He needed his bedtime kisses. That's not a bad thing. He just wanted his nightly routine."

I wonder which one of us Ted has wrapped tighter around his little finger. I am beginning to think it is his daddy.

"Come on, bedtime for you too, Mommy." Christian kisses my hand and tucks it in the crook of his arm, leading me to our bedroom.

**TAYLOR HOLDS OPEN THE **door of Christiana's black Audi R8 for me. I slip inside and wait for Christian. With the door closed, I can hear he and Taylor's voices but they are behind the car and I am unable to make out what they are saying. I watch them in the side mirror and they both nod and shake hands before going in separate directions.

"What was that about?" I ask as Christian gracefully folds his tall frame in the car.

"I was confirming to Taylor that he could go ahead with the plans for this weekend."

My attention perks up. This is the first mention he's made of our upcoming weekend. Last night I was asleep as soon as my head reached the pillow and never gave a second thought to asking about where we are staying in Redding. I look at Christian expectantly and he shakes his head, smiling his 'I've got a secret,' smile.

"It is going to be a surprise, Mrs. Grey. I'm not telling you anything." He turns the key in the ignition.

"But you have to tell me so I can tell Kate."

"Nice try, but no I don't. I spoke with Elliot yesterday." We exit our long driveway. "And don't think of calling Kate, Elliot has agreed to keep it a surprise from Kate to ensure that she doesn't tell you and spoil my surprise."

Humph, I pout to myself. I'm not a huge fan of surprises. I know it will be worth the wait though. Another idea pops in my head. "What about Jose? I need to let him know when we will be arriving."

"I've already taken care of that as well. You can give up now Sherlock Holmes."

"I am not a man." I scoff at him good-naturedly.

Moving his hand from the shift, he reaches across the console, brushing his hand between my legs. "Don't I know it, baby."

Oh, God. We are going in for my doctor's appointment and now all I can think about is mounting Christian right here in this car on this neighborhood street. I hope Dr. Greene tells us that we can resume with sex. I blush thinking about asking her. _You know you won't have to,_ my inner goddess pipes up. Yes, I do know. Christian will definitely take care of that. He did after I was hospitalized shortly after becoming pregnant with Ted and then again, when I had Ted. I look out the window, watching the houses pass by, not wanting to think about the first instance. I have put that part of my life as far back in my mind as I can and I never want to think about it.

**AS THE END OF MY **doctor's appointment draws near there is a noticeable change in Christian's body language. His mood shifted from playful when we entered the office and signed in for my appointment. He still remained attentive and loving though. Holding my hand through the entire examination and helping to answer any questions Dr. Greene asked. Now I am dressed again and Dr. Greene is typing in her notes. Christian is sitting stock still, rigid in his chair.

I am surprised when he speaks up, pulling Dr. Greene's attention from her task. "I would like to inquire about Mrs. Grey's contraception."

Dr. Greene looks up, dashing her eyes to mine. "Would you like to begin taking your mini pill again, Mrs. Grey?"

"I…" I open my mouth to speak. I feel like a big-mouthed fish, struck dumb, my mouth gaping open. I had stopped taking my birth control because we were wanting another baby. I never gave thought to taking it again after the miscarriage. I just assumed we would try for another baby as soon as we could.

"Yes." Christian answers for me and I look at him, still in shock.

"Mrs. Grey, while I do suggest you wait for a full cycle to pass before trying to conceive again, there is no need for you to go back on the pill. Using condoms will be sufficient. This will help your cycle to regulate and you will not have to wait before trying once your first cycle post miscarriage is complete." The doctor continues speaking to me, not glancing at Christian. I am her patient and this is my body. I believe that is the message she is trying to convey not so subtly to Christian. "If you wish to take a break though I can rewrite your mini pill script." She finishes her thought and my mind spins. Obviously, Christian and I are not on the same page, I thought we were. Another bump in the road.

"Please do write the script doctor." He forges ahead.

Dr. Greene's eyes dart from behind her thinly framed glasses, looking between Christian and I. It's like she is waiting for me to object, scream at him, or even hit him. Right now, any of the three ideas sound appealing. How dare he speak for me and come to a conclusion without me.

"Christian," I begin and he looks over to me. "I…we…we haven't talked about this. I thought I would not begin taking the mini pill again." Desperate for a moment alone with him, I shift my gaze to Dr. Greene and thankfully, she takes my hint. She excuses herself, telling us she will give us a few moments to talk.

Once the door is closed, I open my mouth and begin talking. "This is not a decision for you to make on your own Christian. If you felt differently than you should have said something to me."

"How did you think I would feel Anastasia? Did you think I would want to risk watching you go through this again?"

What is he saying? My mind begins reeling, unwinding at light speed. Is he saying he does not ever want me to become pregnant again? How did I not know that this was going through his mind? He never shared it with me, I had no way of knowing. I am not a mind reader. I snort in spite of myself, obviously, I am not a mind reader. If I was, I would have seen this coming and I most certainly did not.

"Are you saying that you do not want to have any more children?" The words stumble out.

"That is precisely what I am saying." He answers, his tone clear and concise.

Tears fill my eyes and I let them fall because I am too dumbfounded to wipe them away. "Why?" I sob.

"We have Ted, Ana. I will not lose you. There is no logic in putting yourself at risk with another pregnancy." Fear passes through his eyes.

"I am fine, Christian." I try to placate him, squeezing his hand and running my thumb over his.

"You are this time. You cannot predict the future. Losing you is not a risk I am willing to take. I will not do it."

A knock sounds at the door and I turn my face to the side, dashing away my tears so the doctor does not see that I have been crying.

"Have we come to a decision?" She asks. I know she is looking at me but I cannot look at her.

"Yes, please write the script." Christian answers.

"Is this what you want, Mrs. Grey?"

"Yes," I sniffle softly and nod my head. "Please, Dr. Greene and thank you."

When my eyes meet hers, she is looking at me disapprovingly. She knows this was not my first choice. Hell, she knows this wasn't my choice at all. What can I do though? I cannot for Christian to have another child when he does not want to. My stomach is in knots and I fear I may vomit right here on the exam room floor. I focus my eyes on the tiles, working out the patterns of green, tan and salmon. I am barely aware of when I take the paper from the doctor's hand. I mutter my thanks and release my hold on Christian's hand as I leave the room. Amazing how one single moment can change the entire outlook of your day.


	27. Chapter 27

_**Woohoo! So glad so many of you liked the last chapter. It was hard to write and easy to write all at the same time. Christian and Ana just took me in that direction so I ran with it. This chapter was very much the same. I hope you enjoy it.**_

The warm air of spring rushes over my face in a gust as I burst out of the double glass doors. Relief floods me, leaving behind the doctor's office and what transpired in the exam room is a welcome idea. I know Christian is following behind me. The sound of his wingtip shoes draws closer. As his footfalls come quicker, I pick up my pace. I am passing our parked car and do not care. Where I am going I have no idea all I know is want to get away right now.

I clutch the now wrinkled script in my hand when he calls my name. I whirl around and almost collide with him. We are face to face. Wearing two very different expressions. His a mixture of anxiety and concern, mine, pure anger. My chest heaves with quick deep breaths. Calm down, I beg myself. People pass by us on foot, on bikes and in cars but right now, we are on our atoll. Isolated from the world around us.

"Where are you going?" He breathes out. My eyes flick down to his hands. He flexes his fingers as if he wants to touch me, but he restrains himself.

"I. Don't. Know." I grit out from between my teeth.

"Ana…please…" He makes to lift his hand but I beat him to it.

Raising both of my hands in the air between our faces, I shred the birth control script in to miniscule pieces until it is unrecognizable and throw it in the air. My unwavering blue eyes are locked onto his steely gray.

"What the hell are you doing?" Christian asks, obviously bewildered by my actions. The tiny white pieces float around us like snow in winter. Some landing on my black wrap dress, the white a stark contrast against the black. How apt, I muse. Others fall to the ground or are swept away in the warm breeze.

"Telling you NO." I shout the word 'no' in his face and he visibly steps back. "You do not get to make this decision for us, Grey. Not by yourself you don't. There are two people in this marriage. TWO people who were affected by the loss of our baby. It was not JUST YOU."

"Anastasia, you are making a scene." He growls under his breath and reaches for my elbow.

"What? And you didn't make a scene in the doctor's office? I felt like a fool, Christian. Like a damned fool." Keep your tears in Ana, don't cry, stand your ground. I straighten my body slightly, righting my posture, keeping my eyes locked on his.

"Ana, I…"

"Don't. Just don't." I put my hand up signaling or him to stop and dart around him, continuing my trek to I don't even know where.

"Where are you going?" He calls after me.

"To walk, Christian. I just need to walk. I will be back." My black ballet flats pound firmly on the sidewalk in a steady stride. I hold my purse securely at my side and as much as the niggling voice of my subconscious begs me to turn around, I refrain. Christian has hurt me. He can wait for me to come back and I will go back to him, but only when I am good and ready to.

I find myself stopping in front of a small coffee shop and before I know, it am opening the door and walking inside. A small bell over the door rings, signaling my entrance but the small crowd of people sitting at a table in the corner give no notice. A young girl behind the counter greets me and I order a cup of tea. Looking over the treat filled bakery case I ask for a blueberry muffin as well.

With my two items, I sit down at a small table by the window and gaze out at the busy day passing by. The coffee shop is a quaint little place. Decorated in different shades of blue and deep warm cocoas it has a comforting feel. With my tea in hand, I melt back in to the soft cushioned chair thinking I could doze off for a nap in this very spot. I tear off a bite from my muffin sitting on the small circular wooden table between my chair and its identical mate in front of me. The muffin tastes sweet and tart, it is good.

Soft jazz music fills the air and I take this moment for me, using it to think over how I will approach the matter at hand with Christian. What he did to me in the doctor's office and the conclusion he seems to have come to all on his own is not a closed subject. I begin to doubt my decision to walk away from him but am quick to slap down my uncertainty. I cannot just lie down for him and accept it when he decides to railroad me because that is exactly what he did to me. I have to stand up for myself, however doing it while angry is not the answer either. I need this time to calm down and collect my thoughts.

The cusp of it all is that Christian is afraid of losing me. What he fails to see is the reality of life. Either one of us could lose the other at any given time. An accident can occur in the blink of an eye. I learned that all too well when Ray was in the car accident with Mr. Rodriguez. When we are young, we think life is everlasting. In our minds, we are immortal and nothing can touch us. When Mr. Rodriguez called me that day, my entire outlook changed. I could have lost my daddy and I will never forget the feeling of dread I had. It was much like what I felt when I thought I had lost Christian when Charlie Tango went down. It was the same thing he felt when he saw me with Jack Hyde and he felt it again when he saw me on the bathroom floor. He is scared to death of losing me.

Tears well up in my eyes as I gaze out the large glass window. I am so lost in my thoughts and emotions that I do not even notice the name of the coffee house, which is painted across the window. I don't know if I could go on if I lost Christian and I know he feels the same. We have to find a way to work through this though because not having any more children is not an option for me. I want my Ted to have brothers and sisters. I want him to have siblings to share his life with and not be an only child like me. Christian is such a wonderful father, why would he deny himself and our future children of that joy.

_"I do not want to lose you, Ana. Losing you is not a risk I am willing to take." _His voice echoes in my mind and I think back to that moment in the exam room. The terror and trepidation in his voice was evident. We will work through this. He just needs time. He needs more time to heal and time to remember the wonderful things he felt when I was carrying his child inside of me. The joy he experienced holding our very new baby for the first time. I need to help him remember, that is all.

I drink down the last bit of tea and eat the last nibble of my muffin. For the first time since this morning, I smile having come to a resolve. I toss the muffin paper and napkin in the trash and return the teacup to the counter. The bright-eyed young girl wishes me a good afternoon and I return her sentiment, feeling much better than I did when I first came in.

Feeling the warm sunshine beat down on my face I turn the corner to see the Audi still sitting where it was when I left. The closer I get the clearer the scene before me becomes. Christian is sitting behind the steering wheel, slouched over it. His arms are folded on the steering wheel, his chin rests on them and he staring blankly ahead. When he sees me his posture changes he sits up and opens the car door. Idly I think to myself that he did not call my blackberry once or attempt to email me after I walked away. This is progress, I reason. Usually he would have blown my email box up and would have called me over a dozen times, but no. He gave me time, he gave me what I needed and perhaps what he needed too.

His expression is leery as he approaches me. I give him a small smile to reassure him of the change in my demeanor. Without uttering a word, we fall into an embrace. I inhale him and squeeze my arms tightly around him. Nuzzling my face in to his chest. His gray sweater comforts me, holding me like a blanket. There could be a million people around us right now and I would not hear them. All I can hear is his steady breathing, the beat of his heart and his voice as he begins whispering his love and apologies, his face buried in my hair at the crook of my neck.

When he pulls back, I look up at him and caress his cheek. "I love you too, Christian."

"Ana,"

"No more, not now. We will talk about it, but not now. Right now, I want you to take me shopping for Ted's birthday gift."

"I can do that." He gives me a small sad smile. "I love you so much, Ana."

"I know." He leans down and kisses my lips softly.

"Come." He holds his hand out and I take it willingly. For now, we will put the first birthday of the baby will already in the forefront. There is plenty of time ahead of us for the healing, which still needs to be done.


	28. Chapter 28

_**If you all haven't read it yet I posted my New Year's Eve story earlier tonight. I hope you enjoy it! Thank you all for reading my stories over this past year, it is 11:00pm on December 31st where I live right now. I am humbled to write for such appreciate ladies. I hope you all have a happy New Year and continue to read my stories in 2014. I read each and every one of your reviews and when a reader makes a suggestion for a scene I take note of it and try hard to work it in. It may not show up right away but usually it eventually does. **_

_**If there is anything you have asked of me over the past year and I have not gotten back to you please feel free to PM me. I don't have the best memory, I forget things constantly. I swear I would forget my head if it wasn't attached to my body most days. **__** I know I had one reader email me asking for me to convert Part 2 into a PDF and I have lost that email. If you are that reader please PM me. **__** I feel horrible for having lost the email but I have not forgotten you! **_

_**I love Christian and Ana, the are constantly in my thoughts. I am forever coming up with new story ideas. I hope you continue to enjoy them in 2014. :) Hubby keeps encouraging me to come up with my own story and write it but I just cannot let go of the Grey's. **_

_**Now on to the story...**_

The small trunk of the Audi is packed full of shopping bags, all containing gifts for Ted. Our spoiled rotten little man is going to be even more spoiled by the time his birthday passes. These are not even all of his gifts. There are still the ones we ordered to have delivered. Looking down at the parcels I cannot help to wonder how much more Christian would have purchased if we had driven the Saab or the SUV. Holy cow am I thankful we had the R8. I place the last small bag, a special gift from me, among the others and close the trunk just as Christian walks out of the sidewalk bistro where we had lunch. We are in the heart of downtown Seattle, surrounded by quaint shops and restaurants. I love this part of the city.

"What were you putting in the trunk?" He nods indicating in the direction of the now closed trunk.

"Just a little something I bought while you were paying the check."

"Are you not going to tell me what it is?"

"No, you can be surprised with Ted on his birthday."

Christian wraps his arm around my waist, drawing me near and kisses the top of my head. "As you wish, Mrs. Grey. Shall we go home?"

Home, I look up at him and see the love in his eyes. Sometimes he does not show it in the most reasonable of ways but love is all he has in his heart for me.

**"WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ** me to store all of the gifts, Mr. Grey?" Gail questions taking in the mass of bags and boxes Taylor has unloaded from the Audi. They are now filling the foyer with bags colored in pastel blues and brown packaging paper.

"In the one of the guest rooms upstairs will be fine, Mrs. Taylor."

"Very well, sir. Ted is having his nap, Mrs. Grey." She turns to me as she picks up several of the boxes.

"Thank you, Gail."

Upstairs I peek in on Ted and find that he is still sleeping peacefully. I kiss my hand and gently touch the top of his head with it. Before I leave the room, I restart his lullaby music then tiptoe out of the room.

My feet are sore and I feel tired, bone tired. I drop my purse on the bed before collapsing there myself in a heap of exhaustion. My mind is as tired as my body when I think about my doctor's appointment this morning. The picture of Christian waiting in the car for me when I came around the corner after having tea at the coffee shop flashes through my memory. Did he really sit there and wait for me the entire time? I'm still in a state of disbelief about that. The fact that he did not go after me or try to contact me still blows me away. He may have needed the time to reflect as much as I did.

I hear Christian come in the bedroom just as my eyes begin to close. They pop back open and I sit up. As I sit up I catch an expression of alarm passing over his face, it's is gone as quickly as I notice it.

"Here you are," he says with relief in his voice.

"I came to check on Ted and then came in here to lie down." I explain, the tone of his voice tells me what he was thinking even when his words don't. He thought I had gone off on my own again.

I watch him set a box on his bedside table before sitting down on the bed. Condoms. When did he buy those?

"I bought them while you…while you were gone to wherever you went." He answers my unspoken question.

"I went to a small coffee shop and had a cup of tea." I look down at my fingers knotting in my lap. Up until now, I had not shared with him where I was when I walked away. I'm not sure if I owe him an explanation, but I want to tell him. I love him even when I disagree with him. "So, you are okay with using those." My eyes flick to the box.

"Anastasia, I believe I have made myself quite clear as to how I feel in regard to the subject. Given the fact that you tore up the script in front of my face I don't believe you've given me any other choice." We remain seated side by side, staring in to the space in front of us. Not looking at one another.

"No, you have not shared with me how you feel. All you did was tell me what I was and was not going to do. You never talked with me or shared with me how you were feeling. You blindsided me Christian. Of course, I tore up the script. I was angry and I felt railroaded."

He closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath. Releasing it, he turns to face me. "I should have spoken with you prior to the doctor's appointment."

"You're damn right you should have." I interject and he shoots me a cautionary glance, which I answer with a challenging glare of my own. Maybe my words and tone are harsh but I want to convey the depth of my hurt to him.

"I cannot lose you, Ana." He shakes his head in a pronounced manner.

"Christian, there are so many things that could happen in life. Unthinkable things, which could take us away from each other. Dwelling on the negative is not the way to live life. We need to cherish everything we have together."

"I cherish you, Ana. You and Ted are my world."

"And you are mine, Christian." I run my thumb over his bottom lip. "Please do not shut out the possibilities of our future. The possibilities of our family."

He nods silently. "Asking you to take your pill is not closing the door on our future."

Ugh! Am I not getting through to him? "It is not the birth control I am angry about. It is the way you spoke for me. Don't you see that?"

"There is less chance of pregnancy with the pill than with the condoms, don't you see that?" He rebukes and the tension begins to thicken in the air around us again. We are going in circles again, chasing our tails, never moving forward, always passing the same scenery. I want to scream and pound my fist in to the wall.

"There is less chance of pregnancy if we abstain completely." I snap back at him. We've had this conversation before. I never thought we would be having it at this point in our lives though. He draws back as if I have slapped him. Good, there. Maybe I have made my argument clear. "It hurts Christian, to think that you never want to share the joy of feeling our baby move inside of me for the first time again, or hold our newborn child in your arms as it cries. Life is full of risks, but aren't those the most beautiful ones? Aren't they worth it?"

This time it is Christian who has tears in his eyes. He holds my gaze while his hand cups my belly. "I want to say yes, so much. You will never know how much. Feeling Ted move and holding him are two of the most precious moments, I have ever experienced in my life, Ana. I cannot lose you though."

I swallow hard, maintaining my eye contact with him. He is genuinely afraid. This goes back to control. He was unable to stop nature. Saving our baby was not something he could do and it is killing him inside. I bled in front of his eyes, hurting inside and out from our loss and he could not take a measure of the pain away from me. Time. I need to give him time. As much as I need to give him time, I need him to give me hope. He has to give us hope. Would I be giving in to him if I agree to restart taking my mini pill? Is this a battle to fight, is it even a battle at all?

When we started our relationship, I asked him to compromise with me. We can find common ground on this, we have too. "Can we compromise?" I ask him and his face becomes puzzled.

"How would we compromise? We have come to a fork in the road. It's either left or right, Ana."

"It does not have to be, Christian."

I look back down at my hands and begin picking at the fabric of my dress. Running my fingers over it, I make creases in the garnet material. Christian shifts his hands back to his lap and resumes his forward stare. Silence falls back over us as we both sink in to our own contemplative states. I know what I want to suggest, I only want to formulate the right words.

The phone rings causing me to jump. It stops after only one ring though and I know that Gail has answered it. Neither one of us moves to see about the call though. The here and now is too important.

I turn my body and draw my legs up to sit cross-legged. "Christian, look at me." I touch his knee and he drops his shoes from his feet before moving to sit in a fashion mirroring my own. "I understand why you feel the way you do." He opens his mouth to speak and I hold my hand up for him to stop. "Let me finish…Two months. I can give you two months. I will call Dr. Greene's office and have her rewrite the script, but only for two months. After time has passed and…and things are not so raw…I cannot give up my dream of having a sibling for Ted. I won't do it Christian. I can give you time though. I can give us both time and I can give us a compromise."

"Ana," my name comes out as almost a sob and he lifts me up, bringing me to sit in his lap. "If I ever lost you."

"I am not going anywhere, Christian." I hold his face firmly with one hand on each of his cheeks. "I am here, right here."

What can I do to make him know this? Christian needs something tangible that he can feel and hold to know what is real, to be reassured. Making a swift decision, I leave his lap and close our bedroom door, locking it as I do. Turning I keep my gaze trained on him. I slip the tie on my wrap dress through my fingers, untying it I let the dress fall open and off my body.

"Ana," His says breathlessly.

"Undress with me." I coax him and he stands.

I watch, remaining still. Christian removes his pants and shirt, stopping to watch me as I slip my bra and panties from my body. Air rushes over my skin and I long to be in his arms, but I wait. His eyes travel from my toes to the top of my head and back again. His Adam's apple bobs up and down as he swallows. Finally, he takes off his boxer briefs and his need for me is evident.

Brazenly bold I pad slowly over to him. To my surprise, he reaches out for me and enfolds me in his arms as soon as I am close enough to touch. Naked skin against naked skin feels divine. I have missed this intimate contact. Christian lifts me in his arms and lies me down on the bed. In the bright light of day, we can hide nothing. Our fears and needs are as bare as our bodies. For what feels like an eternity, Christian stands beside the bed staring at me. His gaze is intent and I find that my first impulse is to cover myself with the sheets and blankets but I hold back.

In another audacious move, I wrap a hand around his erection and begin moving it slowly up and down his hard length, stroking him. I hear his breath hiss out between his teeth and my body responds. Desire and want pooling low in my belly. Christian's gaze is unwavering. Holding it, I shift to kneel on the bed in front of him. I swirl the bead of moisture on the tip of him with my thumb and bring it to my mouth to taste him. Wanting more, I lean forward and let my tongue swirl where my thumb did.

"Fuck," Christian whispers hoarsely, cupping the back of my head with one his hands. "Ana, you don't have to."

I surge forward, taking all of him in my mouth until I feel him hit the back of my throat. Not using verbal words I tell him with no uncertainty that I want to taste him. I want him in my mouth. I draw back and run my tongue up and down his erection. Still watching him I see his eyes close and his head falls back ever so slightly. My inner goddess cheers me on and I concur with her encouragement.

When my hunger is satisfied I pull back and take his hands in mine, bringing him on the bed with me. "Make love to me, Christian." I kiss him and he dips his tongue in my mouth, swirling it against mine and with mine. Now it's my turn to groan. God, how I need this…we need this.

"Baby…are you sure?"

"I've never been so sure." I reach for the box of condoms and rip it open, tearing one of the packages with my teeth. Christian kneels over me and I roll the condom over his length.

"I'm going to go slow. Ana, please tell me if you want me to stop. I cannot hurt you."

I bring my knees up, planting my feet flat against the mattress. My legs are spread wide, my sex dripping, aching and wanting him. Propping his weight on his hands he rests one on either side of my head and ever so slowly, he slides in to me. My eyes widen at the oh-so-familiar feeling and I revel in it. "Christian…oh…please." I murmur and mewl out the words.

"Ana, Christ you are tight. Baby…" He groans as he seats himself fully inside of me. He is hovering so high above me and I want him with me, as close as he can be.

"Let me hold you." I ask and he looks skeptical for a moment, but decides to oblige my request. Gingerly so as not to crush me with his weight he moves to distribute his weight on his elbows and I wrap my arms around him, pressing my hands against his back. We are nose to nose and I kiss his lips tenderly.

"I've missed this." His words are whispered against my lips and I feel them in my heart. It swells so big that I fear it may burst in my chest.

"I've missed us."

"Me too." He runs his fingertips over my jawline before drawing out almost completely and pushing back inside. I have not felt this close to Christian since our loss. This is who we are and this connection is vital to our relationship. There are no more words between us until we are both calling each other's name out softly as we come in unison. Strengthening the already untouchable bond between us.


	29. Chapter 29

Christian dots my moist skin with feather light kisses. Kissing my eyes, cheeks and nose each in turn before slowly pulling out of me. I want to cry at our sudden break in intimate contact. I do my best to smother my slight whimper. Instantly I feel empty. Wanting to be connected with him again.

"How do you feel?" With a furrowed brow, he looks down at me worry marring his handsome face.

"I'm good, Christian." I reassure him with a smile.

He removes the condom, knotting it before dropping it on the floor beside the bed. Lying back down he pulls me to him, nestling me against his chest. "I hate those things." He mutters even though I know what he is talking about I'm not entirely sure he is talking to me or solely to himself.

I let my fingers knot and swirl in his smattering of chest hair. "They're not my favorite either, but it's necessary right now." I speak against his skin. The steady beat of his heart fills my ears.

"I'm so sorry for what I did to you this morning." He repeats his apology from earlier again and I want to beg him to stop apologizing. We are both going to stumble and fall sometimes not only as we heal from our loss, but also as we navigate everyday life as a couple too.

"I know. We are talking to each other though, Christian. That is the most important part. We must always talk."

"Always." Pulling me closer he crushes me to him so securely that I feel as though I may break. I accept it, never able to get close enough to him. If I could crawl under his skin and be one with him every single moment of the day I would. I live and breathe this man.

"I'm looking forward to this weekend." I try for a change of subject. Something lighter and happier.

His voice is amiable, cheery even, when he replies to me. "Me too. I am looking forward to you enjoying what I have in store for you."

"What about Kate and Elliot?"

Christian chuckles and I love the sound. My impulsive Fifty, forever a mercurial man. "You're not going to wheedle anything out of me, Mrs. Grey. Just know that Elliot and I have everything taken care of."

I look up at him and see him peering down at me. "So you two have been working on our weekend plans together?"

"My lips are sealed, baby." He makes a pretend motion of zipping his lips and throwing away the key. My plan to lighten the mood worked, our early gloom forgotten.

Teddy jabbers over the monitor and I know that is our wakeup call from our afternoon sexing. "How would you like to take a walk in the meadow with our son?" Christian kisses my lips and sits up, taking me with him.

"I would love to." I beam at him, thrilled at the idea. "We could ask Gail to pack a picnic supper."

"Perfect." He kisses me once more and lifts me from the bed. "Get dressed, Mrs. Grey and I will go fetch our boy." He slips on his boxers and jeans and his gone before I even make it to the bathroom.

Dressed in a pair of jeans and a simple white t-shirt I am about to leave our bedroom when my phone begins ringing from within the depths of my purse. Throwing the covers of the bed back, I rummage around until I find it. My purse has been buried due to the activities Christian and I engaged in just a few minutes earlier. Well, they didn't last a few minutes, I think only to myself remembering the passion we felt while making love.

With my phone in hand, I look at the number and ponder answering it. I know I should. I haven't spoken to her in over a week and I miss her. It's only that I will feel terrible for not sharing what I have been going through with her. Deciding to keep the miscarriage between the people who currently know about it I answer the call.

"Hi, Mom."

"Ana! It's so good to hear your voice. I tried to call you this weekend you didn't answer. I've been worried."

Great, now I feel like a terrible daughter. Worrying my mom is not something I was aspiring to do. "I never saw a missed call from you." It's the truth.

"You wouldn't have, I called your home and even your work. I never called your cell phone until now."

Well, that's odd. I don't know why she would call work and home and not my cell phone, but whatever. "I haven't been at work."

"I noticed. When I called there today, they said you had been out of the office. Is everything alright?"

"Everything is fine mom." I answer her and I feel terrible for lying, but I do not wish to revisit the heartbreak Christian and I have endured. I'm not saying I will never tell my mom about the miscarriage it's just that right now I don't have it in me to go down that already worn out road again. "I've just been a little under the weather and working from home, no biggie."

"Oh…okay." She doesn't sound convinced but thankfully she lets it go and moves on to something else. "I was calling not only to check up on you but to let you know that I won't be able to make it up next weekend." What? Next weekend is Ted's birthday party. Why wouldn't she come? "Ana? Are you still there?" She asks after I am silent for a while.

"Yes, Mom. I'm still here." My voice definitely gives away the shock I am feeling at her announcement.

"It's just that Bob has a business trip for a big conference. He wasn't going to go but he got promoted last week to senior partner status in the company and they are flying us all expenses paid to Paris. Can you believe it, Ana? We are going to Paris, France."

I am stunned. "Wow, Paris. That's pretty amazing." I want to snuff out her excitement and pettily declare the already known fact that I have already been to Paris, but I don't. She knows Christian and I went on our honeymoon and besides, my motive for saying it right now would not be a happy one. I am hurt. No, I am angry at the fact that my mother is choosing to join her husband on a business trip to Europe over coming to her grandson's first birthday party.

"I am sending Ted's gift and we will be there to see him the following weekend. I know he is growing like a little weed and I cannot wait to hug and kiss him." I smile despite my frustration. My mom loves my little boy, I know she does. She just…loves herself and her lifestyle too. _Too much,_ my subconscious snorts and I tell her to shut up. "Promise me you will take lots of pictures of him eating his first birthday cake and tell him that Grammy will buy him another special cake when she gets there."

"Sure, Mom. I hope you and Bob have a great time."

"Is Ray still coming? Is he bringing Lynn with him?"

Now I want to snort like my subconscious. Of course Ray is coming, he is my daddy and Ted's gramps. He wouldn't miss his little partners first birthday for all of the money or luxurious trips in the world. And that is why I love him so much. My mind flicks back to my graduation and how my mom missed that as well, but Ray was right there with me. Cheering me on and smiling the entire time, he wouldn't have had it any other way.

I half listen as my mom rattles on and on about Paris. When they are leaving, when they will be back. Where they are staying and what they are planning to see while they are there. I am surprised when she asks me if there are any sites or restaurants, I recommend for them to go to. She does actually remember that I went there on my honeymoon. I know she loves me, but sometimes…I shake my head not wanting to go there at the moment. I have had enough strife and frustration to deal with over the past week and a half. For now, I want to live in the happy moment of having a picnic in the meadow with Christian and Ted.

Mom is still chatting when Christian appears at the door holding Ted in his arms. I hold up a finger signaling for him to wait a moment. "Mom, I really hate to cut this short but Christian and Ted are waiting for me."

"What? Oh, yes. Of course."

"You and Bob have a safe trip, call me when you get back?"

"I most certainly will. Give Ted a kiss from Grammy."

"I will, Mom. Bye."

Not giving Christian a chance to ask about the ill-fated phone call I just finished I stand and walk over to him and Ted. Kissing them both on their cheeks. "Shall we go see what Mrs. Taylor can whip up for us?"

"Let's go Mommy." Christian beams down at me.

"Mama! Dada!" Teddy claps his hands eager for whatever is to come and we both laugh at his jubilation.

**A WATERCOLOR WASH OF **vivid sun-drenched hues bathes the sky over the Olympic Peninsula. The sun will be setting soon, but there is still enough time to enjoy the peacefulness that is our meadow. Leaning back on my hands, I lift my face up to feel the salty breeze.

"We should go sailing."

Christian looks up at me from where he is feeding Ted bits focaccia. "What brought on this suggestion?"

"The wind, the warm weather, I don't know I just think it would be wonderful. We haven't been in so long, months actually. And we've never taken Ted with us. Don't you think he would love it?"

He glances back down at a chubby faced little boy. "I don't know, Ana."

"Why not?"

"I worry, that's all. Something could happen to him. He's not old enough to know how to swim and any number of things could happen out there on the open waters. He should be a few years older I think."

I turn my head and watch the white sailboats doting the cool waters. The move so surely, like white paper cranes flying at sea. Teddy would love sailing on his daddy's boat. What little boy wouldn't? The image of his brilliant copper locks highlighted by the sun while a grin is permanently imprinted on his face makes me smile.

"Can we take him to see the boat then?"

"Yes, that we can do." My overprotective Fifty. I love him.

Finished with his bread Ted spits out the last piece, rejecting it and wriggles down from Christian's lap. "I suppose he's done." I giggle at him and he crawls over to me.

"Mama…" He pats my lap and lays down, resting his head against my legs.

"What made you think of sailing? Christian begins packing away the few remaining remnants of our picnic supper.

"Just the beautiful spring weather. I suppose I'm catching a case of spring fever." It's true. Being outside in the sun and enjoying the afternoon in our meadow has done wonders for my disposition. I'm sure making love to my husband this afternoon plays a part in my improved me as well. A large part. And now watching him feed our son and enjoy playtime together, my heart just feels full.

With our picnic, packed away Christian crawls across the tartan blanket, coming to sit behind me. "Lean back, Mrs. Grey." He coaxes me to lean on his chest. We must look a sight, me reclined against Christian while Ted's head resting in my lap. "Perfect." He says and kiss the top of my head.

"Mama…bbbb" Ted points to the grasses swaying in front of us. A tiny hummingbird is flitting about, visiting as many of the flowers as he can.

"Bird, Teddy…that's right." I begin running my fingers through his hair, almost putting him in a trance. This gesture always relaxes my baby boy just like it does me.

"What did Carla have to say when she called earlier?" His question is innocent enough. Christian is unaware of the strained conversation I had with my mother. Then again so is she. In her mind, I am sure she believes all is well. It's not though. It hurts me to know that she will not be here for Ted's birthday.

"Nothing, really." I lie, hoping he doesn't hear the unhappiness in my voice. He does though, Christian can always read me like a book.

"Ana, that's not true. I saw your face when you hung up the phone. Did you tell her…"

"No. I didn't want to." He's asking if I told her about the pregnancy. I feel him sigh against my back. He's relieved.

"What was it then?" Christian is not going to be happy when he finds out, I have to tell him sooner or later though.

"Bob has been given a promotion and will have to be in Paris next weekend. Mom is going with him on his trip."

I hear the annoyed tone in his voice when he speaks. "Meaning she will not be attending her grandson's first birthday party." He states the obvious repercussion of my mother's choice to join her husband.

"No. She won't." I confirm.

"How tactless," he mutters to himself. "Are you alright?"

"Me? I'm fine. She did not make it to my graduation for college. I was surprised she was there when I graduated high school."

"She does love you, Ana." I know he's only trying to mollify the disappointment left behind by my mother.

"I know she does. She just…She is a good mom and I love her…I want to be more for my children though."

"You are, baby and you will be." He wraps his arms around me and rubs his hands over my bare skin. Just his words and his contact make me feel better and I let go of the emptiness left behind from the phone call.

Another hummingbird flits pass us and Teddy squeals with delight. The little acrobats are providing quite a show for him and he is delighted by it. The sun is beginning to sink in the water and we should begin walking back to the big house. We stay though, wanting to steal a few more moments together.


	30. Chapter 30

A few more moments turns in to many and before I know it the moon has changed places with the sun. Trillions of stars speckle the night sky adding their own sprinkling of light to join with that of the full moon. The warm evening breeze has been replaced with a night breeze and the sweet smell of our meadow flowers float along on it. Not saying much of anything aloud we listen mostly to our own thoughts and the sounds of nature surrounding us. The occasional chatter from Ted when he sees a bird or an insect has long ago ceased. He is now lying in my lap. Cradled by Christian and I's arms he sleeps peacefully. Every now and then, his mouth suckles at my breast. Mostly seeking comfort, he stopped nursing some time ago.

"Ana, promise me something." Christian's voice breaks through the still night.

I shift my head to lie against his shoulder and peer up at him. "Anything."

"When we begin talking about having another child, promise me…" His eyes search mine and I nod slightly, encouraging him to continue. My heart is caught in my throat. Has he made this much progress since this afternoon? "Promise to wean Ted from nursing first." The realization of what he is implying hits me hard. He's remembering what Dr. Greene said at my first doctor's appointment. "I understand we will never know why our baby died." Tears prick the backs of my eyes and I close them tightly to keep them at bay. Before speaking, again Christian touches my cheek. "Baby, please…I'm not blaming you."

Opening my eyes, I feel one tear trickle down my cheek. He catches it with his finger, swiping it away. "I know you're not." He would never place the responsibility of our loss on my shoulders. That is something he would rather carry himself than to burden on me. It is not his weight to carry though. It is no ones.

"I only want to do everything we possibly can to ensure that it won't happen again. Dr. Greene had no cause for alarm this time. She did speak of it though and I read, God did I read. I knew the miscarriage was eminent. I saw all the signs and I was so powerless." The last word in his sentence is barely there, congested by emotion. Now it's his turn to close his eyes, fighting back his own tears.

I listen intently to his words. As pained as they are they give me renewed hope. Words such as 'this time,' and 'having another child,' they tell me he is not ready to give up our dream of a big family. I won't push him though. He needs time and I will give that to him.

"I agree and I can do that for us." I touch the cheek of my little boy. "It won't be easy." I say looking down at him. Sleeping so angelically he has not a care in the world.

"No, it won't. You are his comfort, his security, and it is so beautiful to watch." He traces Ted's little button nose.

I love Ted's nose, his chubby cherub cheeks, his sweet puckered mouth and his bright gray eyes. He is the most beautiful child in the world. I realize I am partial but this one fact I know to be true. It has to be. Christian and I's little boy is perfect. The moon highlights his pure milky white skin and dances over his curls. I cannot resist leaning to kiss his forehead.

"It will be hard for me to give up too." I whisper settling back against Christian. "I've nursed him since the day he was born. I remember I was so scared."

Reflecting back on the first time he was placed on my bare chest I recall how I felt. The nurse was so patient and Christian was anxious, as always. He was concerned, asking how we would know if our baby was getting enough to eat and when he was assured that Ted would be okay he then became scared for me. Constantly asking if I was feeling well, if I was hurting or if it was uncomfortable for me. Eventually, without much coaxing Ted was able to nurse successfully. There were no words to explain the joy I felt in that single moment or the joy I still do feel. This is a special bond, which only Ted and I share.

"I remember. I was scared too." Christian presses his soft lips to my temple and I place a hand against his scruffy face to hold him there. The first cooler breeze of nighttime blows causing me to shiver. "The wind is cool. Come."

I sit up and move Ted so that I can refasten my bra and pull down my shirt. Ted grumbles, but does not wake. Christian lifts him from my lap and easily holds him, placing our son's head on one of his broad shoulders. I shake out and fold our tartan blanket and place it back in our mostly empty basket. Together we maneuver through the tall grasses. The moon and stars light our path and soon we are back at the house.

"Leave the basket and blanket in the kitchen." Christian directs, pointing with his gaze. "We'll tuck him in and have a bath together."

A bath with my deliciously sexy husband after an afternoon of lovemaking and an evening in our meadow having dinner with our son? Yes, please.

**JASMINE SCENTED BUBBLES FLOAT **and pop in the water. The hot water and steam flowing and curling around me relax me. The degree of respite they provide is nothing compared to the fervor of being wrapped in the long legs of Christian. Our legs are tangled together, woven like vines. In a methodic repetitious motion, he runs my soft bath sponge up and down my arms. Each in turn. Collecting water then slowly squeezing it from the sponge to release it along my arms and across my collarbone. I hum to myself relishing the simple act of him washing me.

"Are you sleeping?" He asks me after I have been quiet and lax in his arms for some time.

"No. Just enjoying." I murmur my response to him and kiss his left bicep. His skin is moist from the humidity in the room. "I could sleep though. I cannot recall the last time I felt so relaxed." My limbs feel like Jell-O. I doubt I'll be able to stand steadily when the water becomes cold and we have to get out of the gargantuan tub.

"No sleeping in the bathtub." He chuckles softly and slips the sponge down past by belly. With care, he washes between my legs. I shift slightly, moving to give him better access to my most intimate areas.

"Mmmmm…" I bite my bottom lip when he applies the slightest amount of pressure against my clitoris. His erection twitches behind me, tickling the small of my back. I raise my hips and send a small current of waves through the water.

"Greedy girl." Growling he nips my earlobe.

"I'm awake. Isn't that what you wanted?"

"Mmmmm…most definitely."

I watch as he releases his hold on the sponge and it bobs, floating to the surface. His hand returns to the apex of my thighs and continues his ministrations. Giving special attention where I want it the most. Responding to his touch, I ride his hand. He doesn't stop his movements. Rubbing me until I am screaming my release. Wow, that was fast. My vision blurs and I blink my eyes to bring it back in to focus.

"How was that?" He asks, most satisfied with himself. He knows damn good and well that it was spectacular.

"So good." I swallow, my throat having gone dry.

With gentle care Christian places, his hands on my waist and guides me to move until I am sitting astride him. We are face to face and his gaze is intense. "I want to be inside of you, Ana." Easily he lifts me and lowers me on top of himself. My teeth clamp down my lip and I bite it so hard that it is almost painful. His head falls back against the rim up the tub. "I've wanted to feel this again since the second I pulled out of you this afternoon."

I want to tell him that I feel the same way but I can't. All I can do is watch him. Loving what my body does to him. He holds me still, not allowing me to move. His hands are firmly gripping my hips.

"This is where I want to be." Christian lifts his head and looks in my eyes. My mouth is hanging open and my body is beginning to ache with the need to move.

I slip forward fractionally trying to convey my need to him. He understands and move his hands to cup my face. I brace my hands against the bathtub behind his shoulder and begin to stroke him from the inside. Moving at my own pace, I watch him watching me. Our grunts and moans mingle in the thick air. Yes, this is what I want. After what seems like eons, he kisses my lips. Running his tongue where my teeth bit my bottom lip. Holding my mouth with his he grasps my nipples tightly between his thumb and forefinger. As my movements become more insistent and driven, he tightens his fingers. I cry out from the painful pleasure and it only serves to urge him on. His lips travel down my neck and he sucks and licks his way to my shoulders. Still clasping my nipples tightly.

"Come, baby." He growls and grasps me. My nipples grow tauter by the second.

"Chrisitan!"

"That's it. Fuck!" Just as my orgasm grips me, he releases my nipples. My eyes flick down to see the hardened bright redness of them. Fuck. This is hot. My body embraces his and in that, second reality hits me hard. I never thought of it. It has been so long since we've had to think about it. Christian's eyes go wide and I know he is thinking the same thing I am.

"Fuck!" He shouts again but this time it is not a curse of pleasure. He lifts me off of his body just as he begins to come. I wrap my hands around him, stroking him, wanting to give him the fullest pleasure I can.

Christian stands up and lifts me out of the bathtub, setting me on my feet. He runs his hands through his hair. "I cannot believe I forgot the fucking condom. What in the hell was I thinking? Dammit!" He shouts.

He's pacing. I reach for a towel and wrap it around myself quickly before grabbing another. I step in front of him and he looks up at me. "I'm so sorry, I should have thought…"

"I forgot too." He should not lay this all at his own feet. "We haven't used them in so long, Christian. It is understandable that we both forgot."

Using the towel in my hands, I begin drying his chest. I lean forward and kiss each of his pectorals. "Oh, Ana…I risked…I cannot take that risk."

"Christian, I just stopped bleeding. I will not become pregnant. We'll just use the condoms for the rest of this week." His eyes search mine, wary and unconvinced. "Everything will be fine." I reassure him, stepping in to his embrace.

"I hope so. God, I hope so." He mutters wrapping me tightly in his arms.


End file.
